Grace, Love, Compassion & Faith - Huge Impact

[bustingout]

If I may piggy back off of what KD said...yes you are far more brave than me too Val. I admire you so.

[~ kd ~]

~DG~ just posted an update and so I read back a few posts and I was reminded...

Your growth through your sitch has been tremendous and while you want to protect yourself from your fears, your growth has proven and ensured that you are fully capable of handling any outcome that you fear.

So...

How would you handle yourself with your X, if you had no fear?

[keep_going]

So I'm trying to protect myself from that. I'm just not sure how I can do that and be true to myself... other than to not talk to her.

Val,

I am sorry you are struggling so much. It's hard, confusing and overwhelming.

Is your main goal in all of this to be true to yourself?
If so, I think you have to start there.

What does it mean to be true to yourself?
How does that look like?

Perhaps you may have already found an answer (or the answer)...
and perhaps that is what is really at the bottom of your emotional turmoil...
That maybe that is not the answer you want?

Keep digging - you will get there.

(((((((((((((Val)))))))))))))))))))

[Valeska19]

@ KD.

If I had no fear - I would just love the crap out of her. I wouldn't have to set timers on when to get back to her. I'd contact her when she reminded me of something. He!! - I might even invite her line dancing.

My heart would be on my sleeve..... but that just seems too dangerous currently.


@ KG - Always! I always want to be true to myself.. no matter what. For me, being true.. is just always pushing myself to be loving to others and to myself. I'm still learning what "love" looks like.. because it's not always puppies and butterflies.

Pushing her away completely right now - seems unloving. She is definitely trying to reconnect. I am not angry or feel resentment. Just scared. I'm working towards that because it is unfair for me to take that out on her. I am completely responsible for my own feelings and my own actions. I will never play the victim again.

But I need boundaries. I need to protect my heart and I've realized that I've never really learned that growing up.. so I'm trying. I've recently bought a book on it. I hope it helps me.

I wrote this letter to x recently (never sent.. not really planning to) but maybe it brings some clarity to this confusion.

----------

X,

A big part of my growth these past two years has been overcoming the fear I have with asking for what I want. It's a fine balance of letting things progress naturally vs. when to establish boundaries and set foundations to new relationships. Sometimes it means breaking the foundation of old ones, so a new healthier one can be built from the rubble.

So here we go.....

I really enjoy our text conversations. It's awesome to hear about your work and your new adventures. I feel honored to hear about your inner struggles and rejoice in the new way you handle life.

It just all so damn rad.

But at the same time, I cannot forget the past. And the past brings up many fears for me. I don't know this new W and as much I would love to trust her... I am waiting for the old W to appear. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The truth is that I've never really known you to be the way you are acting now. It always seemed like a dream to me. Something I always wished for you, but you could never attain. You could never really be present with me or truly let me in. I'm sure I contributed to that in some way.

I'm not telling you this to say that you need to work on anything. I know you don't want pressure and I do not intent to place any upon you. You are on your own journey. Your own path. You need to continue on it. I want you to continue on it.

And this fear is something that I need to get over. Sometime that will come with healing and time. Something that will come the more I get to know you.

But I need you to know that I am ONLY interested in building a new relationship with the recovered W. I know you are still growing and I expect that to be a journey for the rest of your life...

and I'm happy to be part of that journey in whatever way I can.

But I cannot have anything to do with the Old W so if you are not ready to open up to me... it's okay. I just need to step away.

And if you discover that it is impossible for you to be the New W with me, I get that too. There is no anger here.

I just believe with all my heart that the most loving thing I can do for both you AND me.. is make sure our old selves never be in each others lives again.

We both deserve more. We both deserve better.

Val

[BklynMom]

Is there chemistry still?

[Valeska19]

Hmmm

There is something there.. for ME at least... but I really hesitate to use the word "chemistry".

Remember my xw now identifies as straight.. or so I believe.

[specialk]

Hey Val,

I've been a member on this site for a while, but this is my first time posting. Don't have much insight since I am a newbie here, but I just wanted to give you some encouragement and say that I really admire your strength in this difficult situation. I often come to your thread to give me strength in my own crappy situation lol

[BklynMom]

I didn't know she now considers herself straight.

Hmmm... Interesting.

When there is something there, there is something there.

I feel it with my x.

Has she dated a man since you guys broke up?

[Valeska19]

I assume so. I did see her with hickeys on her neck two July's ago.

So cryptic.. what's going through that head of yours..

[2chiquitos]

Fear will keep you at a stand still. I'm speaking from experience so I hesitate to say anything because I'll be eating my own words ;-)

What makes me feel at ease is to know that I don't need to make a decision today and that H is not pressuring me so. I do things at my own pace. Take (micro)baby steps.