If I had no fear - I would just love the crap out of her. I wouldn't have to set timers on when to get back to her. I'd contact her when she reminded me of something. He!! - I might even invite her line dancing.
My heart would be on my sleeve..... but that just seems too dangerous currently.
@ KG - Always! I always want to be true to myself.. no matter what. For me, being true.. is just always pushing myself to be loving to others and to myself. I'm still learning what "love" looks like.. because it's not always puppies and butterflies.
Pushing her away completely right now - seems unloving. She is definitely trying to reconnect. I am not angry or feel resentment. Just scared. I'm working towards that because it is unfair for me to take that out on her. I am completely responsible for my own feelings and my own actions. I will never play the victim again.
But I need boundaries. I need to protect my heart and I've realized that I've never really learned that growing up.. so I'm trying. I've recently bought a book on it. I hope it helps me.
I wrote this letter to x recently (never sent.. not really planning to) but maybe it brings some clarity to this confusion.
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X,
A big part of my growth these past two years has been overcoming the fear I have with asking for what I want. It's a fine balance of letting things progress naturally vs. when to establish boundaries and set foundations to new relationships. Sometimes it means breaking the foundation of old ones, so a new healthier one can be built from the rubble.
So here we go.....
I really enjoy our text conversations. It's awesome to hear about your work and your new adventures. I feel honored to hear about your inner struggles and rejoice in the new way you handle life.
It just all so damn rad.
But at the same time, I cannot forget the past. And the past brings up many fears for me. I don't know this new W and as much I would love to trust her... I am waiting for the old W to appear. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The truth is that I've never really known you to be the way you are acting now. It always seemed like a dream to me. Something I always wished for you, but you could never attain. You could never really be present with me or truly let me in. I'm sure I contributed to that in some way.
I'm not telling you this to say that you need to work on anything. I know you don't want pressure and I do not intent to place any upon you. You are on your own journey. Your own path. You need to continue on it. I want you to continue on it.
And this fear is something that I need to get over. Sometime that will come with healing and time. Something that will come the more I get to know you.
But I need you to know that I am ONLY interested in building a new relationship with the recovered W. I know you are still growing and I expect that to be a journey for the rest of your life...
and I'm happy to be part of that journey in whatever way I can.
But I cannot have anything to do with the Old W so if you are not ready to open up to me... it's okay. I just need to step away.
And if you discover that it is impossible for you to be the New W with me, I get that too. There is no anger here.
I just believe with all my heart that the most loving thing I can do for both you AND me.. is make sure our old selves never be in each others lives again.
We both deserve more. We both deserve better.
Val
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
