I still like blue, what else?

[albamarie]

Did you have cruelty with H? Dead eyes? Conversations with an alien who said and did things that blew your mind?

Yes, yes, yes! And, it lasted 2 years before he decided that maybe I wasn't the problem.

The trouble is, that the innocence you had is GONE. It is gone for ever. You CANNOT assume or take as a wonderful safe lawn you can dig your bare toes in, that he doesn't lie to you, have compartments or secret thoughts that are completely hidden to you. You have to face, really face, that you don't know this person very well. Do you know anyone really well?

Or that the intimacy that you had between you and was so special, actually isn't. I used to laugh, cry, see colours or images during LM. That was the innocent thing and really letting go to someone you trust.
I don't any more.

This is a terrible loss of intimate trust. It makes you wonder what is love. What sex means or is it just a meaningless act like modern media makes it. Whether marriage really is all that, and a sacred bond.

I struggle with this each and every day. I wonder if I will ever come to terms with it as my husband make great efforts to come back to me more and more everyday!

I have been reading books and articles and this quote struck me, it says exactally what's been going through my mind. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being stubborn, and why wouldn't I want to piece my M back together. But, I know, and these words describe it best, that this is what's really going through my mind and it's ok!

Not only ok, I think it's good that I am protecting myself by being realistic and present in my sitch.

The innocence gone is the hardest! I was 22 and laughed, joked, ran around w my guy, my best friend! Yes, there is something that will always be gone about that!

Can that be w someone new, doesn't every R have its time of "play" as it matures. It's that play that helps us take our guard down and let them in? How could I ever let my guard down w H?

I can see why moving forward could bring me some new sence of self while trying to connect w someone new. While trying to connect w someone new we always find new things about ourselves, like hey, I never knew I liked skiing, or eating Sushi!

What would my H going to bring to a new R, and it does have to be new, at least more than just a repair of the old? I have changed, we change separately!

I know I seem to advocate not spending the second half of my life w H, and so many of you really want that and that's great, I think I want him to prove me wrong!

Not like a game or a punishment, but as something worth making a commitment at, and putting forth real effort. Showing himself as really being able to handle the next 35+yrs of our life together because I will not go through this again. The let down is too great sometimes to even take the chance for me.

My 25th anniversary is in two wks! I'm wigging out a little, there isn't much to celebrate. My h is trying, we fought last night, it was mostly me while he listened attentively. Strangely enough in my frustration I told him to leave, leave me, walk away! I realized as I said this I leaned in soo close, he thought I was going to kiss him and was ready to be receptive.

Today he's doing all the chores, still building me new kitchen cabinets, and preparing me lunch. What should I be doing? I'm not jumping up and down, I am being thankful, like how you thank a 3yr old when they bring you oh so pretty flowering weeds!