I've been reflecting and processing. Shortly before H left he asked why S15 was distant. During car rides to school they used to chat a lot and H looked forward to it. I didn't have an answer. Typical teenager behavior maybe? I later found out from S15. Fast forward, I recently found a letter that H had written to me saying that he might have tried to R if the boys missed him post BD. So did H leave because he felt unimportant and wanted to be noticed? I believe so along with many other issues and triggers. After I re-read that letter I thought back to the time it was written. The boys were grieving and missed H terribly. They told him that. So did I. But it didn't register. H was trying to put his feelings and actions onto me and the boys. He created the distance with S15. His addiction damaged their relationship, severely. He still doesn't see that his addiction and subsequent crisis is at the crux of this. He's still running, blaming and holding onto his "truth" no matter what it costs him.
I've tried to pinpoint the start of H's crisis. I can't. So much of what he's done could also be due to his addiction. Selfish, destructive behavior goes along with both. He truly believes he had to leave and, honestly, I agree. We couldn't continue the way we were. I wasn't facing his addiction. I was feeling hopeless, powerless and put all my energy into raising the boys. That seemed like something I could control. I micromanaged their lives. I kept a perfect home, etc. I never considered that my behavior was co-dependent and was typical of a spouse dealing with addiction, of any kind.
H may or may not ever see his behavior as destructive. He may never deal with his addiction. He also may never repair his R with the boys. To do that would mean he has to face his addiction and the childhood trauma that led him here. It's very sad. H deserves to be completely loved, cherished and adored, as we all do. He never had that, even from me. (It's only during this journey that I realized that.) He's rejected himself. His hurtful actions show that. Only H can work to restore his wholeness. I want to support that effort if the work on himself ever begins. It won't happen in the role of a spouse. It can't. I know that now.
Other than dealing with the logistics of the D, the hardest part of this journey for me is thinking about the little boy that was destroyed so long ago. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. The ache for him is what's real, not the anger about his current actions. I wonder if he will ever know how much he was truly loved by me and the boys. Ironically, that love in me has only grown as I have a deeper understanding about H and what true love really is.
