Even though I'm relieved that I found a new attorney I'm wondering if this is the right approach. If H were agreeable I'd rather use a mediator and get it done. We both have a pretty good idea of what we're going to walk away with. The last year has been a very expensive education. Continuing to pay attorneys seems like throwing more money away. Before I pay another hefty retainer I need to resolve this in my mind.
I've been reflecting and processing. Shortly before H left he asked why S15 was distant. During car rides to school they used to chat a lot and H looked forward to it. I didn't have an answer. Typical teenager behavior maybe? I later found out from S15. Fast forward, I recently found a letter that H had written to me saying that he might have tried to R if the boys missed him post BD. So did H leave because he felt unimportant and wanted to be noticed? I believe so along with many other issues and triggers. After I re-read that letter I thought back to the time it was written. The boys were grieving and missed H terribly. They told him that. So did I. But it didn't register. H was trying to put his feelings and actions onto me and the boys. He created the distance with S15. His addiction damaged their relationship, severely. He still doesn't see that his addiction and subsequent crisis is at the crux of this. He's still running, blaming and holding onto his "truth" no matter what it costs him.
I've tried to pinpoint the start of H's crisis. I can't. So much of what he's done could also be due to his addiction. Selfish, destructive behavior goes along with both. He truly believes he had to leave and, honestly, I agree. We couldn't continue the way we were. I wasn't facing his addiction. I was feeling hopeless, powerless and put all my energy into raising the boys. That seemed like something I could control. I micromanaged their lives. I kept a perfect home, etc. I never considered that my behavior was co-dependent and was typical of a spouse dealing with addiction, of any kind.
H may or may not ever see his behavior as destructive. He may never deal with his addiction. He also may never repair his R with the boys. To do that would mean he has to face his addiction and the childhood trauma that led him here. It's very sad. H deserves to be completely loved, cherished and adored, as we all do. He never had that, even from me. (It's only during this journey that I realized that.) He's rejected himself. His hurtful actions show that. Only H can work to restore his wholeness. I want to support that effort if the work on himself ever begins. It won't happen in the role of a spouse. It can't. I know that now.
Other than dealing with the logistics of the D, the hardest part of this journey for me is thinking about the little boy that was destroyed so long ago. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. The ache for him is what's real, not the anger about his current actions. I wonder if he will ever know how much he was truly loved by me and the boys. Ironically, that love in me has only grown as I have a deeper understanding about H and what true love really is.
You are an amazing lady and a wonderful example of love to your children. You have been able to translate that into some really thoughtful posts for others going through similar situations.
Showing grace and forgiveness through such a difficult time is truly a gift.
I wonder if he will ever know how much he was truly loved by me and the boys. Ironically, that love in me has only grown as I have a deeper understanding about H and what true love really is.
I feel your pain in this...I too could have written these words myself.
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It's very sad. H deserves to be completely loved, cherished and adored, as we all do. He never had that, even from me. (It's only during this journey that I realized that.
And this...my H has said this many times to me...but I don't see this realization during my marriage, maybe one day I will REALIZE too, that maybe he didn't get it from me. I am curious GM, do you really believe this? Not judging, just curious.
GM, you have given me a lot to chew on on my threads, and I just want to impart something on you to think about...the statement above is very profound...your realization. Maybe something to delve into for yourself. If this is true...why?
IDK, maybe I am going too deep, but for me, if that is true, i would want to know why and work on that part of me for my future relationships, and i am not just talking about with another man, but all relationships.
And in saying this to you, I think I will take my onw advice as well.
As always, thank you for your support and feedback on my thread...I am day by day again these days.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, yes, I truly believe what I have realized. Why, because I had not had the opportunity to learn and grow in the way that I have the last 18 months. I was living somewhat unconsciously. I think many people do. We were just going along, taking care of the kids, finances, etc. We rarely fought, but we also rarely had deep conversations about what we each needed and how we felt. I know quite a bit about H's childhood, but never really considered what he carried with him and how his trauma might play out in our marriage. He also has an addiction that I wasn't facing.
The flip side is I felt neglected in the M. I gave a lot to H and the boys at the expense of myself. That was my doing. I expressed resentment, but not deep feelings. I let that resentment change the way I cared for H and our marriage. I was careless.
I'm not at all saying that H leaving is my fault. He, too, was careless with our M. He made the decision to leave. That wasn't my doing. The reality is I could have loved my H in all the right ways and we would likely still be where we are or, at least, I would continue to feel neglected. H has to do his own work and also realize what true love really is. Without that, we have nothing.
What I can do is be the person that I want to be regardless of what I receive. I will love H from a distance because we have shared so much together, I know his pain and he is the father of my boys. He may never choose to express any type of love to me again and that's ok. Real love is not an investment with an expected return.
Honestly, B, it started with a better understanding and love for myself. I, too, needed to heal old wounds, something I'm still working on. In other words, I can't give what I don't have. I believe my love for my H has grown because the love I have for myself has grown. We both did the best we could with the tools we had. I believed love was a feeling, not knowing it's really a choice. Caring for H became a duty because I was at-home and he worked. It was not an expression of the love I thought I had for him. It may have started that way, but over time that type of shallow love will not endure life's challenges.
Again, I'm not blaming myself. I didn't know any better. I'm so glad I'm learning now.
Going forward, I love myself enough to set appropriate boundaries with others and to let my needs be known. Knowing this has diffused my grief and bitterness greatly.
BMom, Portia and B, believe me, I haven't been graceful, kind and loving from the beginning (post-bd). Af first, I was desperate, begging, crying, apologizing. I thought I understood where I went wrong. I thought if I had worked this wouldn't be happening. While a lack of money can be a strain, it is less likely that someone would leave a relationship where they feel unconditionally loved and valued. I had to look at the deeper issues, the wounds H and I each brought into the marriage and our lack of nurturing and deep connection.
For the majority of our M we had fun, we supported each other (most of the time) and we were committed to our family. We completely trusted each other. Somewhere things turned stale and we stopped growing in our M. I thought it was a phase and things would just right themselves as the kids got older. I think, but don't know for sure, that H was missing the spark that we once had. I was content, comfortable and secure. H was not. I think this had more to do with himself, but I'm not sure.
H still seems to be looking at external things for happiness, while I turned inward. I'm still somewhat reclusive, with a continuing need to understand and grow. I don't see that need waning anytime soon.
While I have developed this deeper understanding and love for H, it doesn't feel like spousal love. That's gone. I feel emotionally battered. I'm still in the thick of the D which is scary and painful. H, last I heard, is still in a R with OW. I do believe that I will recover from this. I do see H and I as friends, on some level, in the future.
It's hard to know where to go from here. I still have all communication from H blocked. I'm not sure if that's right. I just know that I will no longer be spewed at. I will not continue to apologize for the past. Interactions with H have been unsteady and self serving. He hasn't apologized for anything, past or present. He feels justified. He's angry. It's not apparent that he's grown in any way. In fact, he seems to have regressed.
The lawyers do all of the talking now. They aren't necessarily representing us the way we would want them to. There is more distance, fear and anger as we both try to protect our futures. It's very sad. Sometimes this seems like a tragic movie where two people really do love each other, but only the viewers can see that. What they show each other is quite different while they protect their own vulnerability.
I don't want to be hurt anymore, either directly or indirectly by what I might learn about H's new life with OW. It's hard to be rejected. It's even harder to be replaced. I'm still pretty fragile in this area. Any advice?
I'm so sorry GM. I can relate to so much you have said. I had a dream last night that H started to "wake up" and wanted to reconcile. Again, he was the H I knew and loved so much. In my dream his SIL who "likes" OW was telling him he was not treating OW fairly and that she was crying her eyes out. I remember shouting "Hello...I'm the wife here!! Does anyone remember that?" I felt good after waking from that dream but back to reality where H hates my guts and can't wait to be rid of me.
It hurts. It hurts badly. I wish I had some strong words of advice to make it go away, but I can't. I can only let you know I'm here for you as are so many others on this forum. You have a right and responsibility to grieve what is lost. We will grow and blossom from this experience. I am sure of it. If our marriages are saved then that's even better. If not, there are still good things in store for us. I do firmly believe that. God always has a plan and when he closes a door, he opens a window. I have experienced that more than once in my life.
(((GM)))
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I'm feeling anxious about my meeting with the new attorney tomorrow. Where will this road lead? I've enjoyed the much needed break from legal matters, but tomorrow it will all start up again.
I can understand your anxiety...have your list of questions and data ready for discussion. Try to keep your business hat on and emphasize that you want to move forward and not have to start all over again w/your legal actions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
