MLC by MIL death/daughter car accident/new job

[MrBond]

Don't think about the future right now.

Just think about the now and taking care of you.

DO NOT correspond with him at all.

[Live4myDay]

I will NOT correspond with him at all and I'm sticking to my plans of working on my goals for me. Quite excited because I keep thinking of my class reunion next year. Looking forward to my new transition.

However in thinking of the here and now, I can't help but start to get anxiety attacks when I think of his visit next weekend. I will NOT be seeing him or part taking in the visit with our kids. Sad. But I don't know how... to be his friend or how to be his X?

And I'm also overthinking his visit and telling our kids all about his trip (which is understandable) but also including the OW as if all this is ok with our kids. I know they are 20/21 and its there relationship with him. I feel betrayed by them too when I think of their acceptance of OW.

I don't know. It's inevitable that they will accept and move on with their dad. Possibly even marry her in the future. Why is it so easy for them to accept and I struggle?

Have there been any stories of WAS that marry the OW and eventually come back around? Is that really possible by the LBS? I understand with MLC to maintain a friendship relationship...But with a WAS how do you do that with so much bitterness, hate, betryal, etc. At lease the MLC has the excuse of its a phase, its his depression, he'll go through the full circle. I feel the WAS knows excatly what they are doing and that they don't care about the consequences and are determined to move on without you because if they think about you their wall will come crumbling down. Their pride gets in the way.

I know focus on me...either way I will be in a better place. Just feeling the anxiety of his visit...

Any suggestions when he comes?

[Live4myDay]

Journaling - Just feeling pretty good about my life and direction I've chosen with my D. She actually told me today that she likes our new life in Florida and really can't imagine living our life back home in Ohio.

His impending visit this weekend has me on edge. Although I will NOT see him, its just his presence around our S and D that's got me all worked up. And some decisions regarding my D care. She would rather I take care of things (getting her ready in morning, hair, shower, bowel routine, getting ready for bed, etc) but I want him to do it. And in doing so it makes D uncomfortable. And I have to pack up her stuff and equipment when all it would take is for me to do it.

I keep thinking stay away go "dark" but then I think how nice it would be for all of us if he and my S stayed here at my place and I made dinner and etc. Not ready for that and too much of expectation especially since his return from long trip in Europe with OW.

I keep hoping the trip with her made him realize that she's just temporary bandaide and that she annoys the hell out of him!! LOL!! But as with expectations I'm sure it brought them closer together. Everytime I see a couple holding hands, hugging, even kissing all I can think of is them.

In fact, while eating lunch outside restaurant patio we watched a couple making out by the woman's car door. Obvisously an affair. It was discusting to watch. That I kept thinking about the two of them again.

Sounds like I'm obsessing. But I'm not really. I put the stop sign up and refocus. Put all the blocks up in why he is the way he is and how he's treated me and disrespected me throught this whole process.

Trying to detatch. Still need advice (see above posts)

[kml]

She would rather I take care of things (getting her ready in morning, hair, shower, bowel routine, getting ready for bed, etc) but I want him to do it.

Why do you want him to do it? Just so he will know how hard you work? I don't blame a young women for not wanting her father to do those intimate things.

In fact, while eating lunch outside restaurant patio we watched a couple making out by the woman's car door. Obvisously an affair.

How could you tell by looking? I've made out with my H (when we were married) and with boyfriends (when I wasn't married). Be careful what you ASSume or project.

Help your daughter, avoid your ex (although it's ok to let him catch a glimpse of you dressed up and heading out for the evening).

[Live4myDay]

We used to take care of her together. I realize now that it is awkward. I really don't have a problem with it. But...I don't get any relief and he knows just what to do. Maybe not give her a shower but getting her ready in morning and evening. It's like he flies into town pick her up already to go. drop her off. and picks her up again the next day. I resent it that he gets to be with her but doesnt have to help out.

And the couple...well it was obvious. They left in separate vehicles and hers had the soccer mom and family outlines on the back window. He had a fancy sports car. I know judging but it was what it was. Sometimes when we are out together we try to guess what couples are talking about and if its a first date, the morning after, cousins, high school friends, etc. So it wasn't meant to be vindictive.

The tension with the kids and us is awful. Its' going to be a tough weekend. As I told my D this evening, the way he ended things was very hurtful. And we are unable to communicate with each other right now. My D asked us to go to counceling...he refused. Said your mom needs it and that he's fine.

Anyway, just trying to maintain my GAL, PMA, and 180 so I'm mentally prepared. I will CHOOSE not to let it bother me. He is just another visitor that I'm too busy to see.

[Live4myDay]

So I'm doing pretty good before the impending visit. Whenever I start to get that anxiety in the pit of my stomach, I stop and say, "so what! I won't see him and it doesn't matter." He is just another visitor I don't have to deal with." I get a break for the weekend. Woo Hoo!

I haven't any plans yet. I don't ever get any days to myself. I'm not going to let their plans ruin my weekend. The kids get to enjoy a two days with their dad. That's it. He's their dad. No longer my husband. I am free to be me.

I've decided to stay "dark" but I did offer to have dinner available for them at my place and that I had plans but they were welcome to hang out there instead of hotel room. I'm also offerning my car since its more handicap accessible for our D. Just trying to put that out there. Being friendly but showing that I am too busy.

I'm so excited to spend the next couple of weeks with my son. I am the one with the family. He is NOT; he has OW now. I think I got the better end of the deal.

I'm focusing on MY life and everything that's changed about it and refuse to focus on HIS life without us. So not fair. But it was a choice HE made when he wanted out. Not being vendictive or anything. Not even being bitter. Just know in my heart I tried and still do love him. Maybe not the person he is right now, but I know he's in there somewhere.

I choose LOVE. For whatever form that may be for now. I am the happy one. He can say that his life is so much better now and wouldn't change a thing... but I don't believe that trading me off is worth the relationship he had with his kids. Maybe he thinks that will change in the future. And he's right. But to me it's not worth banking on it and losing the time with them.

Just rambling on. I'll keep you posted if things change...I haven't got a Plan B. ?? but then again...NO EXPECTATIONS.

[Live4myDay]

Well I had to scramble for a Plan B. Geesh! I think God is trying to intervene.

1st X and S arrive as planned but can't rent a car. X license is expired and S isn't 21 yet. I offer to pick them up, but already ended up getting a cab. About 20 miles away.

2nd I try to locate a handicap accessible van that a friend has. Late so no answer from her. I let them use my car instead for the 2 hour drive for the surfing event. I packed it all up but was unable to fit everyone in car so I picked my son up and then he dropped me back off and then they picked up X. Not ideal.

3rd My D is first in line to surf at event. Great I guess they'll get home earlier and not stay at beach all day....except....D has indwelling catherter and during her surf the waves were pretty rough and her cath ripped out! Its weird cause I just happend to put in car 2 extra external caths. She can't pee on her own and if you don't release it she could go into shock and need emergency assistance. They call and I'm a wreck! X knows how to cath but since she didn't need to pee they drove home and would pull over if she needed to.

Well they make the 2 hour drive back without any problems! A miracle!!!!! She started having issues as soon as she got in the house. I put new cath in and off they went to his hotel to hang by the pool there.

So... I had to see him. Offered X and S to come into house where its cooler and the softball game was on. They sat in seating area in garage.

Cordial to each other. I comment on his flip-flops...I've been trying to get him to wear flip flops since I've known him. And he had on this orange flowery bathing suit with Tshirt. Brite orange!! This is Mr. Conservative! WOW. I used to say he was turning into his father (70 year old man). And now this!

But the sad part is how cold and indifferent he was to me. Hurts. Always has ever since BD he's treated me differently. I try not to notice and smile. I looked my best, hair and a little makeup. D even commented on how nice I looked.

How can he show no emotion? This was Mr. Family man. And he drives off into the sunset with the kids. I know its only 2 days out of 365. But seriously. Does it not even affect him? Do these times make him miss being a family?

This is where I think as a MLC he would second guess or at least FEEL something. But he's so self righteous and committed to his decision that emotionally he's WAS. Either way he's gone. The fact that I care for our D and am her for her 24/7 and what he's become says what kind of man he really is...and to not FEEL ANYThING...grateful, guilty, sad, angry, etc.

I don't understand. Not that I ever will or will get any answers. I only have love for him and for our family. He will have to live with that and walking away.

I'll keep you posted. He leaves on Monday.

[~ kd ~]

I'll try to catch up on your thread here, l4md. I'm just posting a link to your thread in the WAS forum:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2354157&#Post2354157

Keep posting here. I did want to make a couple comments here, right now.

You mention having hope to run with D one day in the future. You actually said you are PREPARING to do so. Is that realistic? Is her progress good that she COULD walk and run, again?

Also, you mention that you used to think feel a victim and now you are just better than him. Interesting that, because the emotional context of both remains the same. Anger. You might want to look into that and see how you can adjust that frame.

You mention how you want him to see what you have to deal with, regarding taking care of D. If your H is MLC... and even if he's not... I think it's a really good idea for you to let go of the idea that you need to "teach" him anything or that he actually need to "learn".

Yes, it's tough for you. Everyone would probably learn a great lesson to know what it's like to have to take care of someone in a way you need to take care of D. But expecting your H to learn the lesson you WANT him to learn, is likely futile. He might learn SOMETHING... but it could be quite different than what you'd think.

Anyhow, that's all I have for now, based on your other thread. You've got some great support in this one, so I may not have anything to add here.

[Live4myDay]

Well yes I feel that my D will walk again. She had stem cell treatment in January and is making small gains but they are consistent. I have to atleast ask Big so God can give me Big. Not sure if she will or won't, but she is not like other quads. She has no muscle atrophy and can stand. I just put that out there to mentally motivate myself to continue my physical fitness.

I did feel like a victim. That he left me with all this to deal with. Runaway husband. But I only feel better than him in the fact that I was left to put the pieces of our life after accident back together, meaning S and D. So much was turned upside down. I have that respect and relationship with our kids that he has to earn back. That's what I mean by better. They are with me he just visits on convienence.

When we first came home from hospital, my X and I both cared for her. It was so much more difficult back then since we were still learning and adjusting and my D was so much weaker and still in recovery. He knows what to do I don't have to "teach" him anything. It's just that he conviently forgets what it entails. He talks to D on the phone and she says things like, I took a shower, I went swimming, I had to go to college to take test, etc. but X doesn't realize I have to do those things with her. So it just appears so easy, as if he talks to her and she's not disabled. He hasn't had to put her pieces together either. Her tears and struggles and pain of starting a new life and grieve her old life. Or watch her struggle as she tries to pull her pants up and can't roll over or even too tired to pull herself up.

He bolts into town and she just adores him. She has always been a Daddy's pleaser. And just wants his validation. And of course his love. there's no question my X loves his kids. He just put them aside for a while because I'm sure he has gone through trauma with all this too.

After reading so much here, yes, he must have been going through some depression. I did not pick up on it. Always thinking it was our business and he was always stressed from it. I ignored so many cues when I think back upon things. But I always thought we loved each other. Would hold hands in bed and just let each other know that. I take my responsibility in communicating with him and the decline of things.

I have learned from a very young age to supress anger. So anger issues are very subtle and come out in other ways, especialy through sarcasm. But I have been trying to deal with that. Anger is one of the cycles that I seem to only go into and then jump immediately out of. Also my bitterness comes out when I try to make him feel guilty as I've done before DB. Like I said I did EVERYTHING wrong from day 1 until finding this site. He really just tries to avoid me because of any conflict or games as he says. It's just me blaming him for my victimization of his leaving and finding OW immediately after he BD. Although I believe in his cycle of MLC he had set her up for this in his Angry stage. Of which he was very angry with me. Blaming the accident of D on me for allowing her to sleep over her girlfriends. I don't think I can ever be anything more than that in his eyes.

Long nite alone. Sorry. Went to church tonight and I realize that this will take years...to even being friends again.

[Live4myDay]

Well I survived and so did the kids. Hahaha. Built up this fear and anxiety of the OW when X showed pictures of his trip to Europe with her. D said he even asked if she was ok to see them. Which I'm glad he was respectful. D said she really didn't want to know anything so she didn't ask questions just listened. I didn't ask her she just knew I was bothered by it and told me about it. It was relieving in a way. She said she's not a very pretty woman. I already knew that. But then she said but I don't really know her nor do I want to. I told her there may be time when she will have to for her D sake, say if they get married.

So at this point I'm back at square one. I will not see him the rest of his trip. Which is ok. Back to no expectations, my GAL, PMA, and 180. Just doing my thing until Monday when he leaves.

Like I had mention, this isn't changing anytime soon. And there's nothing I or anyone else can do. He's going to church w kids today. I went last night and the sermon was pretty good. Pastor in the beginning talks about marriage briefly because he and his wife are celebrating 30th anniversay this week. Hmmm...what what X would be thinking. He was such a family man, church man. Even when I go to church I see the couples holding hands or arms around each other with their grown kids. Nice to see. Does he ever wonder or think about us? There I go with expectations. STOP.

Ok. The kids are spending entire day with X and shouldn't be home until later tonight around 10pm. Now just need to refocus on me...after they run off into the sunlight to start their family outting...I become very paralyzed emotionally and I have to quit doing that. I;m happy the kids get to spend time with X. And I really just want him to be happy. Just don't understand how his happiness excludes everything about me.