The other day at work, I was hit with this wave of sadness. Nothing happened to spur it, it just came. And with it came this deep feeling of missing my H. And I haven't been able to shake it.
I know that feeling, T. He is there in body and it is so hard to get your mind around that he isnt the same man you knew. And though you are detached, in the back of your mind, you wonder when or if he will return.
Maybe it's the looming beach trip. Maybe it's our anniversary a week from today. Maybe it's living with him, dealing with him on a daily basis. Maybe its seeing him act "normal" more and more. Maybe it's everything.
I would say it is all those things, T.
But memories have been coming back in full force. Things I've tried not to remember, even though they are happy, because they are happy. That life is gone now, my memories stored safely away until a time I am ready to see them again. Or so I thought.
You are mourning the loss of that life, sweetie. You were on autopilot since bd, trying to get your brain wrapped around it, then finding out about ow, trying to live your life, be there for your kids, detach. And now, it's finally had a chance to come through. And that is ok, to feel sad and mourn, T. It is a sad thing. One day, though, you will be able to look back at those memories with fondness and love.
Sometimes I think I think too much. About everything. But maybe, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Yep, you and I do think an awful lot. Most times that's a good thing. Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes you have to just be.
As always, you see into the heart of things, see into my heart. No, I'm not done. I know it. I have learned to at least be honest with myself, and the tank is not on empty yet.
I see into your heart because it is true and deep and shines through in your posts.
To be honest, I have plenty of days where I feel less than remarkable. I feel lost. Confused. Sad. Angry. And just plain old beat down.
T, how could you not? This is something that you are never prepared for. There are no rules, no books, often no one who understands. And what you are doing goes against what is natural instinct. But it is on those days that you are building up strength inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This evening he brought up again about taking a family trip to a local theme park. He ran a few dates by me to see what I thought. I don't know why, but I have this sinking feeling that OW is connected to this somehow. Her kids are teenagers, so I don't think it's about her being there. Maybe she suggested it? Maybe she'll be away during that time, and he wants something to fill his time? I don't know, I just have a bad feeling about it, and I don't want to feel that way. He's suggesting doing something as a family. I should be thrilled.
Our instincts are rarely wrong. But your children will be thrilled, so, try to let that go.
Lots of texting after the kids went to bed. I was actually going to attempt watching tv downstairs for a bit (a 180, wanted to see reaction), but just couldn't take all the texting. Now I remember why I stay upstairs!
And that is why I finally made some clothes for his phone and invited it to Thanksgiving dinner. LOL!
S5 said something to crack me up today.
Nothing like a five year old to brighten your day.
"Mom, you look like a Viking!"
It's official - I am a bad a$$. I even have the hairstyle to prove it!
