MLC by MIL death/daughter car accident/new job

[Live4myDay]

Well yes I feel that my D will walk again. She had stem cell treatment in January and is making small gains but they are consistent. I have to atleast ask Big so God can give me Big. Not sure if she will or won't, but she is not like other quads. She has no muscle atrophy and can stand. I just put that out there to mentally motivate myself to continue my physical fitness.

I did feel like a victim. That he left me with all this to deal with. Runaway husband. But I only feel better than him in the fact that I was left to put the pieces of our life after accident back together, meaning S and D. So much was turned upside down. I have that respect and relationship with our kids that he has to earn back. That's what I mean by better. They are with me he just visits on convienence.

When we first came home from hospital, my X and I both cared for her. It was so much more difficult back then since we were still learning and adjusting and my D was so much weaker and still in recovery. He knows what to do I don't have to "teach" him anything. It's just that he conviently forgets what it entails. He talks to D on the phone and she says things like, I took a shower, I went swimming, I had to go to college to take test, etc. but X doesn't realize I have to do those things with her. So it just appears so easy, as if he talks to her and she's not disabled. He hasn't had to put her pieces together either. Her tears and struggles and pain of starting a new life and grieve her old life. Or watch her struggle as she tries to pull her pants up and can't roll over or even too tired to pull herself up.

He bolts into town and she just adores him. She has always been a Daddy's pleaser. And just wants his validation. And of course his love. there's no question my X loves his kids. He just put them aside for a while because I'm sure he has gone through trauma with all this too.

After reading so much here, yes, he must have been going through some depression. I did not pick up on it. Always thinking it was our business and he was always stressed from it. I ignored so many cues when I think back upon things. But I always thought we loved each other. Would hold hands in bed and just let each other know that. I take my responsibility in communicating with him and the decline of things.

I have learned from a very young age to supress anger. So anger issues are very subtle and come out in other ways, especialy through sarcasm. But I have been trying to deal with that. Anger is one of the cycles that I seem to only go into and then jump immediately out of. Also my bitterness comes out when I try to make him feel guilty as I've done before DB. Like I said I did EVERYTHING wrong from day 1 until finding this site. He really just tries to avoid me because of any conflict or games as he says. It's just me blaming him for my victimization of his leaving and finding OW immediately after he BD. Although I believe in his cycle of MLC he had set her up for this in his Angry stage. Of which he was very angry with me. Blaming the accident of D on me for allowing her to sleep over her girlfriends. I don't think I can ever be anything more than that in his eyes.

Long nite alone. Sorry. Went to church tonight and I realize that this will take years...to even being friends again.