Oh man, had to break out the Kleenex again after reading that
I read your post UW. And reread it. And then reread it again.
Thank you
The other day at work, I was hit with this wave of sadness. Nothing happened to spur it, it just came. And with it came this deep feeling of missing my H.
And I haven't been able to shake it.
Maybe it's the looming beach trip. Maybe it's our anniversary a week from today. Maybe it's living with him, dealing with him on a daily basis. Maybe its seeing him act "normal" more and more. Maybe it's everything.
But memories have been coming back in full force. Things I've tried not to remember, even though they are happy, because they are happy. That life is gone now, my memories stored safely away until a time I am ready to see them again. Or so I thought.
Sometimes I think I think too much. About everything. But maybe, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
As always, you see into the heart of things, see into my heart. No, I'm not done. I know it. I have learned to at least be honest with myself, and the tank is not on empty yet.
It helps to know that I always have that choice to stop, and know that I have the support if I choose to do so. But I'm not ready to walk away - not physically or emotionally.
To be honest, I have plenty of days where I feel less than remarkable. I feel lost. Confused. Sad. Angry. And just plain old beat down.
But it all passes, and then that hope springs back up again. Over and over.
I am the one honored to walk this journey with you. Our stories are still being written, and if I do say so myself, have some pretty outstanding women as the main character
Complicated, Linda, and dear rH, thank you too for stopping by and offering support. It means a lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not sure what happened yesterday at yoga. My parents were able to watch the boys so I could go. It was hotter than usual in the studio, everyone was sweating buckets. I felt all my emotions stirring in me, and they couldn't be contained anymore. I had tears streaming down my face. Lucky for me, they mixed right in with the sweat already dripping down my face!
The instructor is a dear friend of mine who knows about H. She asked me a few times after class if I was okay, she could tell I was upset.
H came home around 10:00 last night, way earlier than I expected. He was a little off, something not quite right, not in a good mood. I think he may have actually saw his friend for a bit, but this is what he does - half truths. Lies of omission. Maybe in his mind, it's not REALLY lying...
He was pretty good today. Took S5 out and about for a bit this morning, took him to lunch. S5 loved it. I told H that S5 seemed really happy to have H all to himself, and had a fun time. H seemed happy too.
This evening he brought up again about taking a family trip to a local theme park. He ran a few dates by me to see what I thought. I don't know why, but I have this sinking feeling that OW is connected to this somehow. Her kids are teenagers, so I don't think it's about her being there. Maybe she suggested it? Maybe she'll be away during that time, and he wants something to fill his time? I don't know, I just have a bad feeling about it, and I don't want to feel that way. He's suggesting doing something as a family. I should be thrilled.
Lots of texting after the kids went to bed. I was actually going to attempt watching tv downstairs for a bit (a 180, wanted to see reaction), but just couldn't take all the texting. Now I remember why I stay upstairs!
When I said goodnight, he was all nice and tried chit chatting with me. Oh hi guilt, how are you?
Anyway....
In other non- MLC related news, S5 said something to crack me up today.
Just to change things up, I decided to pull my hair back in a French braid today. I usually wear it in a pony tail or bun around the house.
So S5 takes a look at me and I can see he's checking out my hair. I ask him what he thinks, and he says, "Mom, you look like a Viking!"
It's official - I am a bad a$$. I even have the hairstyle to prove it!
Goodnight all
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
