I've been fairly accused of trying to manage all my family's relationships for them, so take this with a grain of salt. This is about your kids and their dad. Less about you, though the grandad was a part of your life, the future of this stuff will belong to your kids. Try to enable thrm to be at the funeral.
If this ow is so important to their dad that he would bring her to a funeral (crappy as that may seem now) try to envision that she may be a part of their lives for a long time to come, and accept it. I want to hopefully be able to tell my kids that liking or loving who their dad is with is not a betrayal of me; it is what i want for them.
More likely i wd think if you have a conversation with h about encouraging the kids to go and receive the closure of a funeral and the chance to say goodbye...he wd hopefull agree to take them, without the ow. I just wd hope you can help them avoid becoming a bigger symbolic issue with their dad. Hugs.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Definitely encourage your kids to go regardless of whether or not ow goes.
It takes courage and bravery to do something like that. Not going would be easy.
Also i personally don't think you need an invitation to attend a wake. I think you should consider stopping by to say your own good bye. I think making a brief and loving and non drama appearance is okay.
Show your kids how to be graceful in the wake of this messiness
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
It's very difficult to think of OW around our children. Even though my kids don't currently see H I do hope that there is a reconnection in the near future. I admit, the hardest part for me is knowing that at some point H may want to introduce my kids to OW, a person partly responsible for the destruction of my family. This is the most painful part of D and something I never wanted for our family. I don't know how I will cope when that time comes, but I know I need to. It's unfortunate for you and the kids that the passing of a loved one will possibly put you in a situation that you are not ready for.
I hope you do attend the funeral with your kids. This was your family member, not OW. Due to the history you and xh share and your recent interactions don't be too quick to think that he would want OW there instead of you. Quite frankly, it would be in bad taste if she were, but you can't control that. Keeping your heart open will get you through this. Your mind is coming up with lots of hurtful senarios. Try to shut that down. Your heart will keep you calm, your mind will not.
Not easy and I would not add anything to what everyone wrote above, although I do want to put out a few different scenarios that may be options to help make things more comfortable, depending on the formalities of the funeral.
If there's prayers, that might be an option to go and sit in a back row away from the rest of the family and possibly OW. The kids could go up for viewing and to give their respects. That is also possible the day of the funeral service, prior to burial or interment.
If going on day of funeral service, you could take the kids and they could possible go with their dad to burial or interment and you stay back.
If a wake or similar, you could always drop the kids off and pick them up. Obviously, if you are not invited, you would not go in, if you are invited, you'd make that choice.
Of course, in situations like this it is good for us to put aside personal issues. Something else for you specifically would be to find out who is going that is a friend and neutral party in your sitch with XH and stick with them during the prayers, service, interment, wake, etc.
Oh, also if a more traditional or formal funeral with prayers, etc. The priest or funeral chapel will have ways of dealing with these types of matters. There may be some negotiation, but often the OP will be placed back a few pews or the exs will be separated by the aisle.
There can be many different options to help everyone come together. Speak to exH when it comes up and otherwise find out where the service is and speak directly to the priest or those company handling the funeral.
Hugs to you NLW. I cant say anything more in terms of advice. I support what the others have said about encouraging your kids to go and for you to go as well if you can. I too believe that in such situations, personal issues need to be put aside. I am here to support you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Ad, thanks for looking in and for your thought on this.
I appreciate the perspective: this is about the kids and their dad.
On the topic of OW, I am having difficulty just 'accepting'.
If she had been a new woman that XH had met, that would be different. She was, however, a friend who betrayed and actively involved herself in the worst possible way (black-mail) in the destruction of a marriage and shattering of the lives of 2 kids whom she knew (and courted with presents).
I hope she is not an issue in relation to the funeral.
GM, Thanks for your support - you know how I feel.
I wonder what XH will do about the funeral.
He rang the kids early yesterday morning but we had already left for sport. They called him back when they had finished and he told them over the phone that their great grandfather had died.
He didn't offer to come and see them - but this was because he was due to play in his Sat afternoon football game with all of his new 20-year-old friends. He still has his priorities!
I don't hold out much hope that he will do the right thing by the kids in respect of the funeral, but we'll see. To complicate matters, he and I have a court hearing scheduled for next week in relation to financial settlement. It will probably end up being the same day as the funeral.
