Seems like so many of us are trying to move from a reactionary style of living to one of purpose and thoughtful action. Fear/shame = reactionary, empathy/forgiveness = purposeful and thoughtful action. It is so easy to fall into a role of cause and reaction.
Oh wow subguy. This is so good.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This turned into a great discussion. I think when we find that one thing that we're most afraid of and are able to understand it and stop protecting that spot, we can move froward. It's in there and many are afraid to dig deep enough to even get to it. I was for a long time.
While I agree D may be a societal problem, we shouldn't be surprised because there are many ways our society doesn't support families. I come up against this on a daily basis in my work. But the good news is, each of us can make changes that will affect ourselves, our Rs and our families. Sometimes those changes are difficult...most times they are difficult and sacrifices must be made, so we put it off. Making real change isn't easy. We have to hit rock bottom before we see the light.
I think M is also a societal problem as it seems it's become all about how much money can we spend so my wedding is bigger and better. Or that you'll meet someone on a reality show and become soulmates. Do our kids watch this stuff? What message are they getting? I could go on but I won't.
Courts rule on the business R that a marriage is and unfortunately, they do get tasked with trying to stem the wreckage of kids lives. Courts see black and white, as they should; we can't expect them to be able to make perfect sense of something when the 2 people who are supposed to love the child more than anyone can't figure it out.
I don't know what the statistics are on whether kids are better off now that D is easier and people aren't stuck in M riddled with abuse, violence, substance abuse. It's my belief that D being made easier is a good thing. I've been around long enough to remember the bad old days. A law can't force a "bad" spouse to become a "good" spouse.
No matter what the statistics might indicate, or courts might decide or society does or does not support, each of us has the awesome opportunity to take responsibility for our lives and make necessary changes. In doing that we change not only our lives but our children's lives and their children's lives...
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Spent some time with a friend Sunday night. She's going through some emotional times as she gets ready to see her son off for his second tour in Afghanistan. She also has some old wounds that are still healing from her father's infidelity when she was a teenager. They aren't debilitating, just occasionally something will hit that scar and cause pain.
I was so happy that I was just able to be with her and listen and support. In the past I would have been an anxious mess because I would have attempted to fix everything for her. Instead I listened and felt very little anxiety. When I did, I recognized it and just let it go. I thought to myself, she just needs me to listen without judgment, not fix.
In the past this level of intimacy was scary for me because I wasn't able to fix everything so 1) why would she want me for a friend if I couldn't "do" something to make her feel better, fix all her problems? and 2)the anxiety of sharing these things and my needing to fix would have been too much, I would have distanced. I've known that I kept people at arm's length but now the way and the why that I did that is so apparent.
This is a process that I need to practice everyday. The more I have empathy for me the more I can have empathy for others.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I like it a lot Bug. Empathy seems to be the key on this journey.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
It's the small things that change inside of us that we notice the most. A lot of work to make those small changes but... once done they are so rewarding. Loving me some bug right now.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I'm loving myself more these days and that's a good thing.
What I'm learning:
I haven't had contact with H in about 5-6 weeks. Haven't seen him for a bit longer. This wasn't really a conscious decision on my part I just haven't had anything I wanted or needed to tell him, so it just happened naturally.
The perspective that the distance provides is good but it brings with it some sadness. During this time H hasn't seen S20 either. They may be communicating in other ways but he hasn't physically spent time with him. As I observe this what comes to mind is the more people are left to be themselves, the more themselves they become. I've said this a couple of different times here this week in different ways but, you can't make someone be who they are not. I used to hear the expression "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" when I was a kid, maybe that fits.
I won't bring it up again, it's their R but it is sad to me. They each need to do their own work, that's not for me to do.
The sadness I feel isn't overwhelming or constant, don't want to give the wrong impression. Overall, I'm good. There are a lot of good things and people in my life right now.
I'm learning my worth. I'm learning my boundaries. I'm learning what it takes to be a good partner in a R. I'm learning that having fun is essential to living a good life and that you don't have to pay for it in some way. I'm learning that emotions, all emotions are fleeting. I'm learning to have compassion and empathy for myself. I'm learning compassion and empathy for others. I'm learning that what I think is not always what is true. I'm learning that what others think of me is not always the truth. I'm learning that everyone can teach me something if I'm open to them.
Each day is a new opportunity.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
amazing as always... bug - when I log on to newcomers, I am always eagerly awaiting an update from you. thank you for your example - you give me hope in my journey. be proud and celebrate your accomplishments and growth! today and every day! love you, dear friend.
((((((labug)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
