LW...Your not whiny, you are hurting. As I do feel so much empathy for you and your sitch. I wish I could wave a wand and take away the pain and guilt you are feeling. But these are times where our true selves are tested.
You are a strong woman. You can and will overcome this. And trust me....I know its easy to keep saying this, but it does get easier...detach and get a life. At this point your M is drowning. but you cant save both yourself, and your H. Like a good lifeguard, you have to save yourself first before you attempt to save anyone else.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
LW ... at this point in your situation when your hurting and your problems are all-consuming, the best thing is to focus on the immediate problems, in your case, this seems financial. When you interact with your H, don't say much. Certainly, don't let him see you needy and hurt.
My first BD was last June so it's been almost a year since my H told me he is in love w OW. So, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now.
I do have to second that THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU. Saving your M is not your first goal here, I have to be honest. Saving yourself IS.
So, breathe, sleep and eat (I know this is impossible but try). Take one day at a time...one hours at a time when you need to. Your mind will be all-consumed with your situation for a while.
Find ONE THING to do that makes YOU feel a little better (exercise? shop? paint your toes? take a warm bubble bath? beat a pillow w a wiffle ball bat?) You choose!
I know this hurts! It sux! It isn't fair! But, others are right. The crazy monster that your H has become is NOT him--it is an irrational, spewing, self-centered version of his childish self.
Will he return to you? Maybe, but he will never be the same person as he was before.
I am going to speak a difficult truth here. You LOVE him, but you do NOT love this person he has become. You want to save your M, but the M you had is OVER. YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON!
That doesn't mean you won't have a new R w your H in the future. It doesn't mean you have to give up the happy memories of the M you had (and yes, you DID have it, so don't let him rewrite the past in your head). It doesn't mean there isn't HOPE of reconciliation.
It just means you are in for a LONG HAUL. MLC doesn't happen overnight or end overnight. So, it the meantime you do need to protect yourself (and I was happy to hear you contacted a L) and you DO you to start "taking the bulls by its horns" and do what is required to function.
And, BTW YOU are the most important part of this situation. You are WORTHY! You are IMPORTANT! You deserve a healthy R, but it won't be w H for now. Accept that. Tough words, but I have been where you are and know the truth of this journey.
Go to my thread to read what I've learned through all this.
Hang in there! You will be OKAY NO MATTER WHAT!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
My husband said the same things to me, that he never loved me & that he had been unhappy for years. It is awful and painful.
COunt your blessing, write a gratitude list. You have 2 I am guessing great adult kids, maybe even have grandkids soon. Show your children how to carry yourself with grace during these hard time.
These are the things that helped me get out of my dark place.
Reading & rereading Db Posting here and following others threads non stop Alanon (I am sure you quailify even if you dont think you do, try it) The book "This Is Not The Season You Think It Is" Laura Munson Therapy Anti Depressants
Of course I do GAL and now have hobbies but for months and months I was just acting as if we my interests, I really had to work on myself before I could enjoy life again.
Today every morning I am grateful for my 2 awesome kids versus how I used to wake up angry that my kids didnt have a father at home.
You can do this
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
"COunt your blessing, write a gratitude list. You have 2 I am guessing great adult kids, maybe even have grandkids soon. Show your children how to carry yourself with grace during these hard time.
These are the things that helped me get out of my dark place.
Reading & rereading Db Posting here and following others threads non stop Alanon (I am sure you quailify even if you dont think you do, try it) The book "This Is Not The Season You Think It Is" Laura Munson Therapy Anti Depressants
Of course I do GAL and now have hobbies but for months and months I was just acting as if we my interests, I really had to work on myself before I could enjoy life again.
Today every morning I am grateful for my 2 awesome kids versus how I used to wake up angry that my kids didnt have a father at home.
You can do this"
These are terrific suggestions Limbo! What did the lawyer have to say about your mortgage being in default? And your other financial problems? How is your job search going? I think about you every day. I hope the newness and rawness of your pain has calmed down a bit, so you can start to work on these things to protect yourself and your kids.
Hang in there. You will survive this.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thank you all so much for caring about me. I just don't know which way to go right now. I mean direction wise. After all that H has done to me and the kids, all the pain, betrayal and lies why do I still even love him and want to try and save or maybe rebuild is a better word, my M. What does that say about me?? H hasme feeling so bad as it is that I feel like I actually am a complete idiot for having these feelings. Then on the other hand everyone thinks I need to just take him for everything he has got which isn't anything as he has spent it on JW. And he has " moved on" so why am I even considering standing... Another site I looked at before I found you all was all about me being this psycho-bit#% and to not even CONSIDER standing. I am just so tired and confused and my emotions jump back and forth in the same minute it seems.. I don't expect you all to make the decision for me I know I have to do it. I have no one except you awesome people that are in my corner as far as me even thinking about standing. How do you know which is right. He is a monster right now and my head says no way you are an idiot and a doormat. I feel like he has broken me. Then another part of me has these moments of clarity where I thinks I can do this and just be here while H works thru stuff. Then I think of how he thinks the JW is his salvation.... I am soo soo sorry to be rambling on and not making any sense. Thank you all for listening.
I am working hard on detaching and GAL. I have been counting my blessings and praying so much. I realize there are people that have it so much worse than I do relationship wise. He stopped over last night and it was very awkward but civil. He even ate some pasta I had made the kids and told me boy this pasta is really good....What???? Is this cake eating?? But I also saw how my kids came in the room where he was and they all just sat and watched a tv show together. And I totally get the whole NC thing but how will he see changes if he isn't around... So many questions. I know bottom line also I have to protect myself and my kids financially and make sure we have a roof over our heads. Looking into a loan modification for the mortgage and waiting on a decision for some help from SSI. I feel like once the lawyer gets involved and it goes "legal" that will be the end of it period. So that is where my many jumbled thoughts are right now. All over the place. Again I wish I could see you all in person and give you all big hugs. You are such a comfort to me and I appreciate the honesty about the things you tell me. I need to hear everything good and bad. Going to go work on keeping busy. Thank you.
Hugs. I have thought several steps along the way would be the end, period, and they werent. When you arent sure how you feel, go slow, breathe, keep busy, wait. Nothing needs to get decided right now.
Pasta eating was not cake eating imo lol. Good interaction, good for the kids, put you in a good light. Like db says, if results are good keep it up, if results not good do something different. Be breezy and low pressure and try not to have any expectations at all, but a light positive family interaction is a good thing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks for the giggle adinva.. I am trying so hard to just breathe. I don't know if I had mentioned it or not but he said that he was" finally happy and it was about time." Was this spewage and being hateful?? SFC had said they will refuse to remember any happy times. When he texts me and is seeking what I think is maybe comfort like-- oh my back hurts or what can I take for a headache -- I soooo very much want to say--- hey call the junkie but of course I don't. And in the back of my mind I think-- not being snarky right now truly serious--can he even have stuff like Motrin around if she used to be addicted to pain killers and such. My mind is on overload I think today. Well not just today but you all know what I mean. i am going to go do some reading on the site and work on breathing. Thank you all so much.
I didn’t get from your posts, did you H moved in with OW? One thing is having the R with OW, and another thing is moving in with her. Does he have the kids all the time with her? I just cannot imagine that your H would want to start over with the young kinds in his age. I think you need to give it some time. I’m sure he will re-examine his “happiness” after the reality will settle in.
You should not feel bad about yourself because your H chose to get involved with OW. It is not your fault. Don’t listen to his spews. I totally understand how you feel. You will go through a lot of emotions, but it will get better. NC is for you, not for him. After you feel stronger, you can resume the communication, so your H would be able to see the changes in you.
Advina gave you a good advice. Take one day a time. Be happy, pleasant, and no pressure. OW is going to put a lot of pressure on him eventually (goodness, with 2 young kids in diapers.) I know it is difficult right now, but you need to behave “as if” you are not affected by this. You are your own person and your life doesn’t depend on what your H does with his.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
