I hope so, too, Bea. I'm worn out and need this to be over so I can really start to recover emotionally and financially.
It hit me that a possible reason H is now pushing for a sale of the house after offering it free and clear is that he needs to pay his attorney. Similar to someone who unconsciously runs up debt, is surprised to receive a bill and then doesn't want to have to pay it out of their earnings. So typical of H. Our current mortgage has a car and other irresponsible debt rolled into it because H didn't want to pay it off. Obviously, the debt is still there, just disguised. BTW, I'm not on the current mortgage. H told me I couldn't be on it since I didn't work and I stupidly believed him. It wasn't until the D process started that I took a careful look at the loan papers and saw what he had done.
I just want to get out of this with my kids, home and no financial scars.
I received the checks for my new bank account. Seeing my name, alone, on the checks stung. I remember all of the excitement twenty years ago of H and I merging everything. I was so in love and was proud of my new married name. I had a lot of security. Now, I'm on my own and it feels bad. I do know I will be ok, but my insecurities and grief were triggered.
I was just packing for my trip back home and came across my wedding ring. The most beautiful ring I have ever seen. I couldn"t help but feel sad and feel the sting of all that's lost. I too was so excited and proud to wear that ring.
You're not in this alone, GM. Try to take care of yourself.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, there are so many losses. I realize that I'm trying to avoid another one by holding onto my home. It absolutely makes good financial sense, but I'm also not ready to move on. One day I will be, but not yet. There are so many memories here. It's the only home my kids have known. I think of all of their developmental stages, the marks on the wall that chart their growth and the mile stones reached by all four of us. H doesn't understand. His ability to emotionally connect is absent, likely due to neglect and trauma during childhood.
WH, I'm so sorry for your losses. I understand how painful it is to look at your ring. I put mine on a few weeks ago, just for a few minutes. Receiving my ring, planning the wedding and looking forward to a life together was such a joyful time. I can't imagine ever feeling that way again.
Is there a way you could supplement your income by renting out a room or the basement instead of selling. Even a few hundred a months could help over time.
If you do end up selling thats okay too, your kids will still know what an awesome mom you are. Plus a smaller place will be much easier to clean
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Income isn't the issue. H vacillates between signing the house over to wanting a buy out. I'm starting from scratch with my new attorney. I believe she will put forth a fair and realistic offer. We'll see.
Looking back over the last year something struck me. For the most part, H and I were able to communicate about kids and finances cordially, but the attorneys would get involved and emotions ran high, demands were made etc. I had wondered throughout this if what H's attorney said/demanded was really what H wanted or just the attorney's ego talking. I'm now starting to wonder how my attorney represented me. One thing's for sure, my H doesn't see the real me anymore. He seems to be doing and saying (or is it his attorney) out of anger (really hurt and fear). A year ago he was still coming to pick up the boys. Now, none of us are on speaking terms.
There have been many times when my attorney would relay a conversation and I would get into an absolute lather wondering why in the world H would treat me this way, make that demand, characterize me and my actions unfairly. Now I think I'm finally starting to see what might have been going on. If I was having an intense reaction, then H likely was too. We were no longer honestly communicating with each other. We allowed two people who had no invested interest in us personally represent us at our most vulnerable time.
From the first consultation I should have walked away from my attorney. She told me a useless story about one of her male clients who was having a long term affair, but was willing to stay in the marriage. The wife found out and filed. My attorney thought her client was a wonderful dad because he was willing to stay at home, but carry on the affair until the kids were grown. She thought the wife was too emotional and she alone was the reason the kids wouldn't talk to their dad. If only the wife would have kept things as is the kids would have a Dad at home. I thought, are you kidding me??? I should have left immediately. She has made many references to that case even at my settlement conference. I don't know why I hired her. I guess I was so broken in the beginning that I went with the first recommendation.
Something else has bothered me throughout my representation. My attorney made comments to me that my H married up when he married me. So in other words, I married beneath me. That never sat right with me. She also thought I was crazy to ever want him back. Thought I would find someone much better (better than the father of my children???) and generally steered me further away from R.
It's no wonder I have had gnawing feelings that I needed to switch attorneys. The damage that has been done may never be repaired. Both attorneys have made a lot of money keeping H and I on the D train and making sure we sufficiently hurt each other. I'm sicken. I cried myself to sleep last night.
I am suffering from sheer exhaustion. I've slept off and on all day and have done a little reading in between. This is so unlike me. Everyone says I look really tired. I agree. No amount of sleep seems to help. The emotional stress from the D, my Mom's cancer and the boys grief is too much. I feel myself shutting down. I don't want to answer the phone or get the mail. What's next. I'm forced to function since I have kids to raise, a job to do, a house to maintain and bills to pay. What I really want to do is take a hiatus from my life, check myself in somewhere and recover from this nightmare.
You're right, BMom, I do need to take care of myself. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that. This D is really wearing me out. The anxiety and drama from it has become a way of life. I don't want that to continue.
