Val, thanks for this. I have been thinking "why do I feel the need to respond quickly". I'm afraid that if I don't respond by tomorrow, before she goes to AP. (she said on Sunday) That my W will not read or openly receive my answer before she is in the company of the AP. That's it. Honest. I want to "control" the setting in which she receives my response. Is that "off"? Is that manipulation? I'm afraid she won't hear me if she's reading quickly to make sure AP doesn't know she's reading. uggghhh. This is the pendulum isn't it?
That my dear is being motivated by fear.
And it's sooo hard to control ourselves from acting from that emotion. Because if we do that and manipulate the situation - at least we have some control.
So we react quick and say what is "safe"
I mean - who really wants to spend the time feeling everything... thinking about what is the most loving thing to say... say it... and then get no response or even worse, a negative one.
The latter path is so hard. IMO - it's almost impossible for LBSers to do right away.. because we fear losing our marriage... for GOOD.
But we have to remember, we didn't attract our spouses by being afraid of them, so that tactic will almost always fail.
So we must dig deeper and the 1st step is saying "I'm afraid".
Keep digging RT. The words WILL come... I promise!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
