Taking My Space - Giving Spouse Theirs

[Valeska19]

Why the rush to respond RT? It's barely been 2 hrs.

[RealityTrip]

No rush. I don't plan on sending anything yet. I'm processing out loud.

[Valeska19]

Fair enough.

So let me ask you this - what would make your life easier? Obviously Recon is out of the question at this point.

What do you think you need to heal, become the best person, etc?

[Wonka]

RT, this is a good start!

I want to draw your [and other DBers/Newbies] attention to this crucial point: When it comes to letter writing, it is critically important to make a distinction between getting it all out for your internal processing purposes and actually responding to the WAS' thoughts. Granted, I've written tons of letters and never sent them to DXW. However, in this particular situation, RT's W deserves acknowledgement for her vulnerability and willingness to share her inner turmoil.

Now, that said, the response needs to focus on the current reality that W's going through at this moment in time. As you all know, emotions are like passing clouds...they will dissipate over time. It is all about W and her feelings. It is not about you.

The draft letter lends too much focus on "I." It appears that you are trying too hard and trying to audition for some starring role in Annie. It doesn't work that way.

Instead what the focus needs to be is empathy and validation from an arm's length. It is W's journey to go through and take full ownership of her own feelings.

WAW,

I understand [is that so...really understand? one can never understand what a person goes through] that the letter must been very difficult for you to write. Regardless of any other emotions I might be feeling right now it isn't about you, RT. leave it out, the honesty and respect you are showing me is important and I appreciate you writing me and telling me about your plans.

We both have had a lot to navigate in this process of opening up and healing. When you left for your brother’s again, I told you that I recognized you were leaving again because you still needed space for yourself and I said that I was prepared to give it to you. I am. [she heard you the first time around...no need to belabor the point and it borders on superiority as in "prepared to give it to you"]

I cannot speak to your affair [scratch any mention of affair...guilt-tripping]; I read your confusion and anguish and hope that you are able to find resolution and peace for yourself in all of your actions and decisions.

I am under no delusions of where we stand at this point [say whaaat? do you both really know where you both stand?] . I have come to a place of understanding that truth lies in what we do and not what we say [[what truth? pray and tell? again, it is not about you/b].

I have worked very hard on myself and know that I cannot control anyone’s feelings, actions, or decisions [b][this comes across as a bit judgemental...careful] . And I want you to make them for yourself, just as I make mine, so that when you come out of this, your life and your path are authentic [authentic based on what ASSumption?] .

I will not share your thoughts with your AP [for me, i wouldn't acknowledge OW at all. Act as if she doesn't exist at all. No mention of OW.] . They are yours alone to process, deal with and share with AP if you choose [yech! you don't want W to draw closer to OW!..again scratch this.

Thank you for the validation of my patience. I have always given it willingly. It is a true part of me. [this comes across as smug. be careful, sweetie]

I understand that calling me would have been difficult. I think your decision to write me instead was best for both of us.

Be safe on your drive and take care of yourself.

RT

Again, I would suggest that you re-write this letter to make it more concise and succinct with a more emphasis on empathy toward W's feelings and courage in writing the email to you. Leave out the "I"'s and turn the focus squarely on W.

And I want to remind you that there's no urgency in responding to W's email. It can be done in a few days from today or even one week later. Let this process occur organically.

[Wonka]

Dissecting The Letter

Let's dissect W's letter with the aim of aiding RT in recognizing the nuggets she proffered up in the email.

W's comments:

"First of all let me tell you that I love you. This is not a goodbye letter!"
"I am trying to dig myself out... My life is in a shambles" she feels out of control and that appears to be scary to her

"I am searching for me. I am not always doing what's best for me." WAS code for feeling lost

"I am still in contact with AP. I seem to get reeled back in and whenever I let her back in we argue and I ask myself, what the F*ck am I doing?" This is quite interesting. It is the dopamine talking and she's in the throes of an addiction to OW

"When I am with you I enjoy our time.THIS IS SUPER BIG!!! Are you able to identify times, places, instances that allows W to enjoy her time with you?

My guilt and shame get in the way of my progress in any manner. I have never been so low in my life. WAS speak for the guilt over OP I see your pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I feel like I mislead you at times as to where I am with us.

"I am still very confused and can't be completely done with AP and I can't let you go." Dopamine again.

"I want to be honest with you. I am going to spend time with her. I don't know how long. I don't feel good about the visit for some reason but I am going to find out." Seems to be trouble in OW paradise

"I am afraid to be completely honest in this email because I'm afraid it could come back to bite me if you choose to send AP a copy." This goes to the crux of her trust issues. She needs to feel that you will honor her confidences however ornery they may be

"I don't think my future is with AP. She is too emotional and she knows I have not completely let you go." Smart insight into her dynamic with OW. Give it time to fizzle out

"I can't ask you to wait much longer. You are not second choice. This is about ending something and beginning something. I need to rectify this and that is what I plan on doing." This is incredibly perceptive of W. Wow

"You have been so patient and understanding while I have been navigating. I deserve whatever you choose to give me." In her twisted view, she feels she deserves punishment for her mistakes. I am wondering if she is waiting with bated breath for the axe to drop. Show nothing but compassion toward her

"If me spending a few days with her is a deal breaker for us, I will be heartbroken but that is what I deserve." Expecting the axe to fall again. Hmmmm

"Please forgive me. You are probably spent with forgiveness and I would understand. I promise to call you soon." WASes generally do want forgiveness at the deepest level. What's surprising here is that W has verbally articulated it to you. Store this info in the back of your mind for future reference.

"I love you... always and forever, WAW"
"P.S...I am sorry I am not strong enough to call you with my voice and say what I am doing. I just can't bare to hear the pain in your voice knowing I am the cause of it. xoxo" This is an indirect cue to you to try to talk W as calmly as possible for the WASes cannot handle or deal with any form of pain from LBS.

At the end she says, "If you want to respond to this email, please do so."

[RealityTrip]

Wonka, thank you so much! I am going to read, re-read, and think about my re-draft. I appreaciate your time on this... I soooo do!

[RealityTrip]

Thinking on this....

Why the rush to respond RT? It's barely been 2 hrs.

Val, thanks for this. I have been thinking "why do I feel the need to respond quickly". I'm afraid that if I don't respond by tomorrow, before she goes to AP. (she said on Sunday) That my W will not read or openly receive my answer before she is in the company of the AP. That's it. Honest. I want to "control" the setting in which she receives my response. Is that "off"? Is that manipulation? I'm afraid she won't hear me if she's reading quickly to make sure AP doesn't know she's reading. uggghhh. This is the pendulum isn't it?

[RealityTrip]

Shorter. Trying to be more concise and less "I".

DRAFT 2:

WAW,

This letter must been very difficult for you to write. The honesty and respect you are showing me is important and I appreciate you writing me and telling me about your plans.

We both have had a lot to navigate in this process of opening up and healing. If you need space for yourself, you should take it. In reading your confusion and anguish, my wish for you is that you are able to find resolution and peace for yourself in all of your actions and decisions.

Brunch was great on Sunday and our evening together was really special to me. I enjoyed our day together. Thank you for the validation of my patience in this process, your journey has been difficult and recognizing mine is very thoughtful.

I understand and respect that you need to make decisions for yourself, just as I make mine. I will keep your confidence in this letter.

Calling me would have been understandably difficult. Your decision to write me instead was best for both of us.

Be safe on your drive and take care of yourself.

RT


Not sending... just out loud processing Val!! Hope to hear from you on my "rush" response. Thanks ya'll!!!

[RealityTrip]

My reality is... I know I need to breathe and ride this wave. But I can't sleep now... so I'm in "healthy, crazy banshee mode".. meaning you all ge tit instead of my W! I'll keep writing reading threads, and I'm sure tomorrow I will decide on my response. Thanks Wonka, Val, and All for being here for me tonight.

[Valeska19]

Val, thanks for this. I have been thinking "why do I feel the need to respond quickly". I'm afraid that if I don't respond by tomorrow, before she goes to AP. (she said on Sunday) That my W will not read or openly receive my answer before she is in the company of the AP. That's it. Honest. I want to "control" the setting in which she receives my response. Is that "off"? Is that manipulation? I'm afraid she won't hear me if she's reading quickly to make sure AP doesn't know she's reading. uggghhh. This is the pendulum isn't it?

That my dear is being motivated by fear.

And it's sooo hard to control ourselves from acting from that emotion. Because if we do that and manipulate the situation - at least we have some control.

So we react quick and say what is "safe"

I mean - who really wants to spend the time feeling everything... thinking about what is the most loving thing to say... say it... and then get no response or even worse, a negative one.

The latter path is so hard. IMO - it's almost impossible for LBSers to do right away.. because we fear losing our marriage... for GOOD.

But we have to remember, we didn't attract our spouses by being afraid of them, so that tactic will almost always fail.

So we must dig deeper and the 1st step is saying "I'm afraid".

Keep digging RT. The words WILL come... I promise!