Hey there! Read up a bit on your stich and sorry to see the pain being dredged up once again by your W's involvement with the OW. However, there are tons of nuggets to mine from and her email deserves a response. Val and I can agree to disagree here.
From W's perspective, she is feeling very vulnerable as evidenced by her fear that you'd send the copy to the OW. That's the key. She's opening up emotionally to you and reaching out to you. The best action course is to validate and respond respectively without being caught up in W's confusion. From my perspective, if I wrote an email opening up to a person and not hear back from the person...I'd be somewhat insulted that they did not respect me by responding back to me. Put yourself in W's shoes and think about how you would feel if W did not bother responding to your email.
Another case to be made by responding to W's email is to show that the lines of communication are open between the two of you which is a part of the healing process and that you're open to dialogue. Showcase the new you to W!
I'd highly recommend that you begin by drafting a response to W here for us DBers to offer some ideas, suggestions, feedback and changes. This way, your email response will not appear to be clingy, chasing, etc. I've done it several times here on the boards when drafting a response to my DXW which was of immense help to me.
I agree with both Val and Wonka. You need to reply, but you need to take time with how you reply. Good luck.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thank you dear friends. I will respond. I am really trying to talk myself through my emotions. I appreciate the idea of drafting a response for advice. I think later tonight I will start one and see where it goes.
I feel like Val and Wonka have a good objective view on how both my W and myself are feeling. I knew it was a good idea to come for support here before acting (or reacting).
I'll be back later.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Agree too, but I would right a letter now and set it aside. Say everything and anything you want. Sometimes we learn some valuable things about the things that trigger our reactions and what those reactions are ( hurt, fear,anger).
Seems obvious, but sometimes it's a surprise.
Sit with everything and then start drafting the loving response. A response where you understand what is best for W and also. More importantly what is best for you.
I got the letter at 3pm today. I have been thinking and thinking. This is some of what I think I want to convey. The truth behind the raw emotion. What I really want her to know... all the crazy banshee stuff deleted. I'm sure it's just the beginning of thoughts I will have on this issue. I appreciate feedback.
DRAFT:
WAW,
I understand that the letter must been very difficult for you to write. Regardless of any other emotions I might be feeling right now, the honesty and respect you are showing me is important and I appreciate you writing me and telling me about your plans.
We both have had a lot to navigate in this process of opening up and healing. When you left for your brother’s again, I told you that I recognized you were leaving again because you still needed space for yourself and I said that I was prepared to give it to you. I am.
I cannot speak to your affair; I read your confusion and anguish and hope that you are able to find resolution and peace for yourself in all of your actions and decisions.
I am under no delusions of where we stand at this point. I have come to a place of understanding that truth lies in what we do and not what we say.
I have worked very hard on myself and know that I cannot control anyone’s feelings, actions, or decisions. And I want you to make them for yourself, just as I make mine, so that when you come out of this, your life and your path are authentic.
I will not share your thoughts with your AP. They are yours alone to process, deal with and share with AP if you choose.
Thank you for the validation of my patience. I have always given it willingly. It is a true part of me.
I understand that calling me would have been difficult. I think your decision to write me instead was best for both of us.
Be safe on your drive and take care of yourself.
RT
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
