Standoff is over

[adinva]

Passive aggressive is when your words and actions dont match, such as you say you agree and will cooperate and then you "lose" documents and " forget" appointments to block her without being upfront and honest. So saying this is not what you want and responding slowly and not initiating it, isnt passive aggressive, if you dont want a divorce.

I dont care for any of your suggested actions. It isnt your place to encourage her to file. Shes a grownup doing what is her choice. She'll get it done if she wants it, without your encouragement. I'm assuming encouragement is like, go for it, you can do it! Maybe you meant something else? Telling her you are ok with it (if you are) or that you accept that its her deicision (even if you wish things were different) isnt encouraging her, as much as it is being honest and telling her your opinion or feeling, for what its worth. The difference is you staying in your own sandbox and owning what is yours to own. Her actions are hers to own.

Sharing what youve learned, does she have a lawyer? She should not be planning on relying on you for info on how to divorce you. You need to keep your own counsel on that.

Urging her to set up a mediator appointment, why? Are you in a big hurry? Are you preferri g mediation and so wanting to drive it that direction? Are you afraid of something that might happen if you dont take charge of this? What?

In my opinion, if you dont want to file, dont. Let her figure out how to do it. If you are tired of limbo and have decided you want to move the divorce forward, then go ahead and ask her about getting mediation set up, and help move things along.

One thing you should not delay is to protect yourself, if a separation agreement is needed or if you need to get legal counsel and information about what you're looking at from a legal standpoint, it is possible to want to save the marriage and still take necessary steps to reasonably protect yourself.

Heres how this has been playing out in my sitch. H wanted separation, wanted papers signed asap in august 2011. I didnt want it, wanted to work on things. Saw a lawyer to gather info, spoke with mediator also to gather info. Decided i would wait and let h act and i would respond to what he did. I also met with a financial planner who specializes in divorce situations. But then i waited. In november 2012 (yes a year and a half later) h presented me a draft sep agreement. I reviewed it thiroughly with him to fully understand his position and asked for time to respond. He knows how busy i am. He hasnt brought it up again. The money is getting more complicated so i feel we should wrap that up soon to clarify the finances, and will give him a response i think this summer, unless he indicates he wants it sooner. In my state you need a sep agreement by the time divorce is final, you can file for D before during or after the agreement is being worked on. No D filing has happened yet. H told me he wasnt in a hurry on that. Mainly he wants our finances separated. So all this is happening slowly. Twice ive met with my lawyer, twice he asked me do you want a divorce? Twice i said no. He said then let him figure out how to do it. The third time i go in i will change my answer to yes i do want a divorce. I no longer feel as strongly as before about who took action. My boys know exactly who left the marriage and i just didnt want them thinking their mom broke up their family. As time goes by those details seem a lot less important. The fact is our m is irretrievably broken and we should move on. Im ok with playing a role in that. But a year ago i wasnt. Be patient, act according to your values, act out of real love and compassion for your w and you wont go wrong.

If she's not acting as fast as youd like maybe she is conflicted. If you want to force the issue you can be certain which way that will go. Not favorable for a reconciliation. Good luck and hang in there. Hope some of this was helpful.