Hello, the lack of context makes me look like a monster. when I said the beach thing, what I ought have explained is that I was going to resign from my extremely stressful job in France and rather than flying overnight and starting a new job in Canada the next day, I would stay a little more to rest and then fly and take on the new job. With perspective I now know it must have come across as the guy who doesn't give a fig and is thinking of himself, but it truly wasn't my sentiment.
To clarify, no court is scheduled as of yet, however two important things happen in June.
1. The 18th June it will be one year of official separation, which means she is legally entitled to file for divorce.
2. The current order runs till end of June. And I'm trying to negotiate something for after that date. Son and money wise. So you need do nothing but continue on as you are now. EXCEPT You want more time with your son than the court ordered, and to pay less than the court ordered...
so what's the question? You seem to be asking us Why SHE won't help you achieve those goals. It's an odd question.
Because Bruce, those are NOT HER goals; they're yours.
SHE
If I stop the payments, I will have to pay arrears at some point and it'll look bad on me.
WHY on earth would you stop the payments? What possible goal would be served? You won't "save" money, that's for sure.
(Bruce...recognize your inner self here. Your priority is clearly to pay less. Dig deep and see if that is the man you really truly want to be).
FYI---She'd take you to court and win the back payments, (plus you would also have to pay legal expenses for her having to go to court to make you pay.
Why? B/C the court does not want to reward you for not paying support, so it won't.
In her shoes, she'd probably start having an allotment automatically deducted from your pay, so as not to ever have to rely on your word or commitment to provide, OR have to go back to court every time you with hold support.
In the past, you did not pay regularly, (hence the arrears) so you'd simply be repeating that pattern of not paying unless you are forced to, or unless you are in the mood...which the court would see clearly.
No mother wants to feel chronically worried about finances and how to care for her son. No woman wants to have to "ask" for money from the father of her child, or have to go to court every time he doesn't send a check. So like I said, If it were me, I'd want an automatic payment right out of your check into my account. No more requests or interactions about money.
Please don't pipe up about HER parents taking care of HER, (as if that's something you get to resent).
At times You deeply resent or complain about their "Interference" but you were willing to let them provide for her and your son. Your son is Not their responsibility,
And they have more than "chipped in" to help him.
They've provided a home and stable environment when you did not. They provided food on the table and clothes for him,
all those months you were in your home country, too "stressed at work" to send money or want to be with him/your wife. I SO wish you could hear what we are trying to tell you.
Yes that would "look bad on" you. B/C It would be bad of you to do that.
I understand that her withdrawal is an answer in itself. Because dialogue for refusing to give me more time, nevermind 50-50%, is not sustainable, she just doesn't engage in it.
Therefore, stop me if I'm wrong, but the only solution I have is to go see the lawyer and when end of June hits, file for pre- trial, with a request to have my Son half the time.
Or is there a way to tell W: look we'd better save us some hassle, and just grant me half time, etc...? when you say "WE'd better save US some hassle"
you do realize it's only YOU, that would be saved "a hassle", Not her?
I mean, honestly,
what is in it for HER? Why would she "just grant" you what you want...I find it amazing you cannot hear yourself. (SIGH)
SHE does not want or believe you are entitled to have him half time.
She does not believe it is in your son's interest to be with you half the time.
You can keep stomping your feet refusing to accept that^^, but it is what it is.
I don't know, women in general want the dad to be involved right? Why doesn't this one want that to? You ARE "involved". She simply does not want you to be more involved. Why does "this one" not want that?
B/C thus far,
you have Not impressed her as being a good father, or much like other dads. And I think most of us agree with her.
You have had less involvement mostly by choice or abdication, which is a choice, and you were Not interested in him, (you said he was boring at this age. I commented about this earlier, but you ignored me). You can dodge those types of comments and questions, but then you keep acting baffled by her choices.
Her choices do not baffle me.
You seemed totally unfamiliar with some things the rest of us learned when we had kids, or asked around. You could have read up before he was born, or since. I've suggested a number of books for you to read and have not once heard you respond to any of those suggestions.
Not changing the diaper or ever being solely responsible for him til recently, means I'd never want you to have him for that much time - and certainly Not before he's totally potty trained.
(And are YOU going to help with that^^ whole endeavor? It's a big hassle Bruce. And it requires consistency on the parent's part... And over time...it's often not that fast )
Bruce, as the mother of your child, I would worry that you are not mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle a stressful child or a "terrible twos" phase or a tantrum. You certainly mention being close to "losing" your sanity a lot.
We understand, but when we suggest you get professional help, you sound a little smug or indignant. You insist you do "Not need meds" or professional help...
well, which is it? if you are or were so close to having a break down or killing yourself, you need help. There's no shame in that. But you cannot let your pride endanger you or your son.
If you are in a fragile state, then the last thing you need is MORE time with your son. He's at a demanding age.
And Bruce,
given your history with child care, of course your request for more time with him looks like you simply don't want to pay as much or any child support.
The easiest way to Decrease the amount of child support is by having Increased custody of him. We know this. You know this. AND Your wife knows this!
One of my brothers fought hard for half custody of his daughters. His ex insisted on 65/35 and for 3 years they fought in court, racking up huge bills and even having a trial.
I suggested that if it was "really not about money" that my brother request increased custody WITHOUT a decrease in child support...in writing.
poof! The ex wife agreed and the problem was solved.
Are you willing to do that? If so, tell her asap.
SIDENOTE Bruce, U notice how you changed the wording about your delay in getting to your wife/son. You went from saying you wanted to "go to the beach for the summer" to "a few days at the beach"...
Uh, You think we believe your new version?
Do you feel indignant or angry, if we don't?
See, When you consistently dodge the important questions
and change your answers when you realize how horrible the original, unrehearsed answers sound to us, you mostly hurt your cause. You don't realize what lessons you are missing.
B/C if that is the real you, (yes, the self centered immature 'boy') then why not work on changing ^^THAT -- instead of playing games or asking the rest of the world to make an exception for you? Put the pride aside and fix yourself inside.
We are trying to help you see this and do this,
but you seem more interested in "winning" this contest.
When you play word games with us, or dodge the core issues, you fail to realize, we see thru that. AND So does your wife.
Thanks for your great posts, Bruce
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
