snodderly, you're gonna need to keep saying it too, cause my goodness I keep thinking I'm standing on solid ground and then realize it's all sand, and I want answers now at any cost. You are so right. It's funny that I know as much as I do by being quiet. He would make a terrible poker player. He hints and hints and hints, and then the moment I pry, he pulls away and tells me to stop analyzing.
Your post made me think that he has been trying to push me to the point of me initiating D, and when it seemed clear I would forgive an A, he took it further. But then he got what he wanted and realized he actually doesn't want a D yet.
Okay no more questions or showing interest from me.
Him being here is going to be quite the adjustment. My money is on him not going anywhere until he gets scared. So I guess the best thing to do no matter what my goals are is to follow the lead of the other spouses with live-in MLCers.
But if I were playing the odds in vegas with the ways this story would go, I would be deep in the red.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I've said it before and I'll say it again, sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap when yo least expect them. If you don't show any interest in those comments or what he's doing, he will tell you because they can't keep stuff to themselves for very long. They are worse than children when you tell them to keep a secret. The less you appear interested, the better if you truly want answers.
So, so true in my sitch. The power of STFU...
Like in your sitch, my W has a "secret or two" that she is not revealing, that would explain a lot, and tie up a bunch of loose ends. And like you, I have spent a lot of time trying to imagine what it could be, the worst case scenario, the best case, and everything in between...I think it's natural to want to have some mental prep for whatever "awful" thing it could be, so we can react calmly, appropriately and rationally. I have read in a lot of sitches, That "it" isn't as bad as what we could imagine often....
You're not done with H, neither am I with W...speaks to the nature of approaching unconditional love, doesn't it?
Hang in there!!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
wow, I am on this same cruise....Makes me a little crazy! Have nothing to offer, but so helpful to read others responses.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I like that quote, "The power of STFU" I'm going to get a T-shirt for that.
Raine, you have as solid a hold on things as is possible at this point in time with the information you have. There really is no point in looking in the other direction becuase you are already walking this path and made this offer. And he is not moving in until he moves in, ya know? It's a lot of minutes between now and then. May as well hunker down and be comfortable.
But I put that information out there for you to read and to see at least one path that happened. In the end, you can't imagine what the next steps are going to be. I mean you can, but you can't be accurate - just lucky
Be patient. Don't guess.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
T i sure hope its minor. My bomb shelter is pretty shattered. How did you react in front of W about the PA? It seems like in private you had a hard time but in front of her you were pretty validating. When stuff comes up it feels strange to stifle a reaction. If I was on the other side and he acted like that, I would think he didn't care.
AJ, You'll make millions on that shirt! I want one. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You said what I needed to hear. I feel strong, but I also feel like my thoughts are all over the map.
Oh he is moving in. He has two friends (his close buds from the neighborhood that he dropped from his life) lined up with a truck to help him. I think the only thing that could stop him is me. But we'll soon find out. He seems super happy about it. Grabbing boxes, asking me questions about cleaning it before leaving and what he should use. Today he has been the old H in every possible way. It's scary. He is his happy self, and really attentive to me. I don't know how many times I was ask it I was okay or needed something. He also just did things without asking.
Tonight was a soccer party (families included) for S6. I asked H earlier if he was coming and he said he hadn't planned on it, no. I said okay no problem. Just checking. He then says, unless you need help? I said nope I'm good. So fast forward and H shows up home 45mins before we need to leave. He was really helpful with the boys, but most the time I was helping S2 with the slide or playing ball, and letting H talk. That's one of my 180s. I think H got stuck looking after the youngest or wildest in these settings too often.
I kid you not--H talked about me the whole time with other people, from the sushi I liked in Hawaii four years ago to the house in the neighborhood we wanted to buy if it ever goes up for sale. Not talking about our S with hardly anyone has made social settings way easier and if we ever did get back together, no awkwardness there.
So there it is. Another unpredictable day crossed off the calendar. I'm good. Kids are good. Life is good!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Let's hope it's "minor"...but I guess "minor" or "major" or "deal breaker" is in the eye of the beholder, ya know? They may see it as one, whereas we see it as the another...won't know til we get there....
How I reacted was pretty much like as if she had been in a car accident and it wasn't exactly her fault, I guess that would be the best way to describe it...idk...I have not been one to freak out on that sort of thing (and I do have a teenage male driver in the house the past few years)...I just accepted the reality (and there was a little "social" shared present that brought it out for her). I brought out my Mr. Spock side in front of her...of course I had more to say here on the forum... And I am pretty much moved forward, let go, accepted the past, etc about it now...maybe like 98%...just doesn't bother me much when I think of it now.
Good luck with the moving in...read up on how to deal with the in-house mlc'er...The "dim" dance is your friend, cuz you will have to interact with him more often...The 37 (or so) rules are the guidebook...
Spin up Bob Marley's "Run Away"...the lyrics sound like our mlc'ers...
Make a great weekend!!! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well, I'll place my bets on illegitimate child or pregnancy.
But, of course, it could be any number of things - cocaine addiction, hit-and-run accident, $100,000 in secret debt, previous affair years ago, ongoing sex addiction - who knows? Or maybe it's just that he's been with more than one OW.
The way he's dangling it out there, though, makes me think on some level he WANTS to tell you.
My ex had a secret early in our marriage, in retrospect I can see he said several things over the years that were feeble attempts to bring it to the surface.
You are so right. It's funny that I know as much as I do by being quiet. He would make a terrible poker player. He hints and hints and hints, and then the moment I pry, he pulls away and tells me to stop analyzing. 
