WFM. Try doing what I am doing. I don't initiate conversation. I stopped mindreading and self sabotaging myself with my own destructive behavior and anxiety. Once you stop taking he issues personal you will live a healthier life. Would you care what your co worker thought. No. Hop on my post and read about letting go versus giving up
Due to having leave the house when BD, I left without alot of stuff, including toothpaste. So yesterday, I mentioned to h that I needed to go out to get some or to take some from the house. I began my stmt with "when you asked me to leave, I left with just my overnight bag"... he got offended and said "whoa, you aren't telling people that I asked you to leave, because you left because you couldn't handle it, all the fighting"... At this point I was shocked and left it alone. This is not true! When I came back, I said "not trying to start anything but I never left, you asked me to leave, I would NEVER have left"... we calmly debated this for a bit until he stated that he can't recall and alot during that time and its fuzzy for him.
WOW! How can he forget??? He asked me to leave!!! and we were NOT fighting at the time either... we were spending lots of time watching really good movies, take-out meals, etc. I would like to remind him of this too... I forgot.
He mentioned again yesterday, that he still has intentions of renovating his area of the house... which is totally stupid, unless he plans on living with his mom forever! HE is the one who insists he wants to move out of there! Why renovate? Hard wood floors, fire place... for who? no one goes there!! And any future woman would judge him "living with mommy"...right?
UGHHHH!
Going to read PON's thread...letting go!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
First, there is the possibility that your H is MLC. That said, he will NOT remember some of the things that happened, which lead to your current sitch.
That said, even if he is NOT MLC, people have their own specific understanding of things that happen. He may truly believe he never asked you to leave.
In my mind, I seem to remember that my stbx DID NOT ask me to leave. I chose to leave and she alluded that I did not have to. I'd put bets now, that she would tell people she DID ask me to leave. Although that's a bet I could just as easily lose.
The point is, it really doesn't change the sitch as it currently IS. All it does is harp on an unhelpful dialogue of who is "right" and who is "wrong".
For you, the question is: Why did you have a conversation about toothpaste when you simply could have gone out and got some?
This isn't about "how" you asked him.
You could have been all pleasant and said, "hey, hon... I realize I am running out of toothpaste and will have to go to the store to get some, unless you have some extra at the house that I could have."
This is about an item that might cost $6 if you bought the value pack at Costco of four tubes, plus a toothbrush.
I have a feeling, under all the pleasantness of your "ask", you were letting your H know how much this separation has inconvenienced you to have to grab a tube while you are at the store getting other necessities and that your world would be so much different if you were still living at the house.
I do say that with tongue in cheek. And I DO understand that you are still frustrated and angry with him. If that were not the case, then you would not need to keep proving that he's an idiot.
Hi KD.. I def, believe it is MLC (BD after a death, confusion, concerned about life, aging, grass is greener, etc).
I was at the house, which is why I asked about the toothpaste, because earlier he kind of got annoyed when I wanted to make a special trip into town over toothpaste. Thinks I should be "working" !!
In my effort to ask for the toothpaste, it came out that he feels I left (which is a shock)... and then to see his confusion too. I now want to point out to him that no, we were actually getting along during that time, so that he doesn't have it in his head that we were fighting... is that OK to do?
I know ultimately it doesn't matter... but, I want him to understand that his head has it mixed up... maybe it isn't as bad as he "thought" and needs to remember how it actually went. IT might make him not think so poorly of us!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
ok... so does it hurt/help to remind them? non-confrontational, of course. More matter of factly.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
wfm, often we will say it may not help OR hurt. Although it CAN chase them further away.
The truth is, it DOES hurt. Not him and not the sitch, BUT YOU.
Because you keep hoping / expecting for a different result. Right now, that's not going to happen. And it hurts you also, by NOT saying anything, because you get frustrated holding it all in.
Everything around the R and him is still hurting you.
Tx KD... Im not a fan of detaching, although I know it has helped me ALOT!
I do not want to do anything that risks him being chased further away.
I am trying soooo hard to keep all communication about business only. Not initiating convo's (not even work ones, unless super important). Trying to be upbeat, happy & attractive when I see him or take his calls.
I would love to just chit chat about friendly stuff, days events or even a joke.... but am dim in these areas too, hoping he will lean closer towards me and want to pursue me in that way. Even when we have client meetings, I distance myself from him, walking in opposite direction, and he will come towards me.... all of this, but still friendly.
OH... it is finally "shorts" weather...but I looke like a 12 year old boy with all the weight I lost
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
A few times now, and even to my DD my h has mentioned how he finds it strange how some people can move on so quickly into another relationship. He just doesn't understand how they can carry on so quick.
He even asked if I was 'mad' that my friend was able to come out of her 5 year rel'p and after 4 months of deep heartache is now in a full relationship talking marriage. He asked if I was mad?? I said no, that I was not looking yet.
With that being said, it comforts me to know that he is not ready for a relationship. BUT, scares me to think when he is ready... he will be ready. I am sure he considers the grass is greener theory, at times.
Aren't most MLC'ers involved in A?... I haven't read any stories of MLC'ers who aren't.
COMMENTS WELCOME PLEASE.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
detach more. It is brutal I know. I am stuggling myself. But honestly just not initiating conversation with her, taking a day off for myself and not telling her, going to open mic, it is all so nice. I don't have worry all day long. I also visual my life without her, it is not that bad besides the kid thing
