My WAW story

[JRG]

My cousin wrote this in an email to me:

As a social worker, I definitely recognize the wisdom of letting your wife have her space and time to figure out what direction she wants to take, but I also think it is important for you to let her know (if you haven't already done so) that through counseling, the materials you've read, and most importantly your own self reflection you have come to accept that 1) She needs this time and space to figure out what direction she wants to take in life, 2) You support her in this process, even though it saddens you that she is gone, 3) Your love for her remains, no matter what she ultimately decides, and 4) You are open to talking with her if she decides that she is ready. I'm only midway through the Divorce Remedy book, so maybe you have more knowledge about what Wiener-Davis recommends regarding regarding leaving her alone, but in my humble opinion it might make all the difference to her to actually know how you really feel right now as opposed to hearing nothing from you and possibly reaching her own self-fulfilling prophecy confirmations like, "See, the fact that he's not saying anything only proves that he doesn't care or isn't interested in me." Letting her know these 4 points in a non-judgmental way will give her the messages that you still care yet you are willing to let her figure things out on her own timetable, do not resent or hate her for feeling the way that she feels, and you are "leaving the light on" (like Motel 6) for her in case she decides that she is ready to come home and begin to talk things out. It will also show her that you care enough about the relationship to invest time in counseling, reading, and self reflection, and you are willing to make changes for the future. It's possible that these might be sticking points for her. Her knowing how you are currently making changes might be the start of the "heat" she's looking for to melt away the ice that has formed between you. One e-mail from you could make a big difference in how she is interpreting things. Just some food for thought...

What he says makes sense, but I'm hesitant to follow through with this advice. Stating these things seem to go against my acting "as if" stance and seem to put me in a place a weakness. I also don't want her to think that I'll always be there as her back-up plan. Confused...

Any advice?

[woundedfool]

Today I had some thoughts that maybe my W or situation is somehow different

It isn't different (although it feels like our situations are unique). For what its worth I had to accept this too.

and she needs me to pursue her a little.

MWD doesn't know what works. But She knows what DOESN't work... And pursuing is one of those things.

I feel that each passing day is making it easier for her to forget me. If this sounds ridiculous please talk some sense into me!

Sounds like your trying to read her mind. Yes another thing I had to accept that I did not have the power to do.

[jp787]

My cousin wrote this in an email to me:

As a social worker, I definitely recognize the wisdom of letting your wife have her space and time to figure out what direction she wants to take, but I also think it is important for you to let her know (if you haven't already done so) that through counseling, the materials you've read, and most importantly your own self reflection you have come to accept that 1) She needs this time and space to figure out what direction she wants to take in life, 2) You support her in this process, even though it saddens you that she is gone, 3) Your love for her remains, no matter what she ultimately decides, and 4) You are open to talking with her if she decides that she is ready. I'm only midway through the Divorce Remedy book, so maybe you have more knowledge about what Wiener-Davis recommends regarding regarding leaving her alone, but in my humble opinion it might make all the difference to her to actually know how you really feel right now as opposed to hearing nothing from you and possibly reaching her own self-fulfilling prophecy confirmations like, "See, the fact that he's not saying anything only proves that he doesn't care or isn't interested in me." Letting her know these 4 points in a non-judgmental way will give her the messages that you still care yet you are willing to let her figure things out on her own timetable, do not resent or hate her for feeling the way that she feels, and you are "leaving the light on" (like Motel 6) for her in case she decides that she is ready to come home and begin to talk things out. It will also show her that you care enough about the relationship to invest time in counseling, reading, and self reflection, and you are willing to make changes for the future. It's possible that these might be sticking points for her. Her knowing how you are currently making changes might be the start of the "heat" she's looking for to melt away the ice that has formed between you. One e-mail from you could make a big difference in how she is interpreting things. Just some food for thought...

What he says makes sense, but I'm hesitant to follow through with this advice. Stating these things seem to go against my acting "as if" stance and seem to put me in a place a weakness. I also don't want her to think that I'll always be there as her back-up plan. Confused...

Any advice?

Yes, that is dead on IMO.

Perfect!

I think I will copy it and add it to my notes

[newman7977]

What he says makes sense, but I'm hesitant to follow through with this advice. Stating these things seem to go against my acting "as if" stance and seem to put me in a place a weakness. I also don't want her to think that I'll always be there as her back-up plan. Confused...

Any advice?

Hi JRG, Pls take in consideration that I'm not fully caught up on your sitch. IMHO, I feel the same way ^^^^after reading your cousin's note.

Newman

[woundedfool]

My cousin wrote this in an email to me:

As a social worker, I definitely recognize the wisdom of letting your wife have her space and time to figure out what .........

You cousins response is very similar to MWD MLC youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHvV55IpAxk

I found myself in a conversation with the wife, and I recited (and meant) MWD's response from the 3:29 mark of the video. She got choked up when I said that to her.

and you are "leaving the light on" (like Motel 6) for her in case she decides that she is ready to come home and begin to talk things out. It will also show her that you care enough about the relationship to invest time in counseling, reading, and self reflection, and you are willing to make changes for the future. It's possible that these might be sticking points for her. Her knowing how you are currently making changes might be the start of the "heat" she's looking for to melt away the ice that has formed between you. One e-mail from you could make a big difference in how she is interpreting things. Just some food for thought...

You had me up until this point.... You need to make those changes (and do those things), but do them for YOU. If she asks about them or notices (and she will), only then elaborate, but leave some mystery to it.

I asked if W would pick our child up from school and I could get him at 6:00pm, when she asked why? I said I had an appointment (I didn't elaborate), after doing this for 2 weeks, she came out and asked me what I was doing.... I then told her I was seeing a counselor, and left some mystery about it.

IMHO, As far as sending an e-mail with changes you are "planning" to make.... that reeks of chasing.

[stilllookingup]

Hi JRG,

So have you decided to do anything? This is the same problem I struggle with every day as we don't have kids either. We don't have a reason to see each other than some of his mail I still get here.

When we broke up once (before getting engaged) I could tell my initial pursuit didn't work at all and he went deep into his cave and didn't want to have a contact with me at all so I stopped it right away. I was in my country, he was here. I didn't contact him at all for 2 months or so. The first contact I made via chat was to just say hi, and he seemed overly excited to hear from me. I kept it casual and I told him I was going to U.S but seeing him was not the purpose.

After that I didn't contact him at all for another 2 months. This time I told him I was coming to U.S in a week or so, and he told me to have a safe flight. I was crushed. So I said w/o even thinking "You don't want to see me at all?" And he said "The last time we talked you said you were not coming to see me..." I don't remember what I exactly said to deny that but I must have said "That's not true" or something and he quickly said "ok never mind then! (really excited)" and he asked me for all the travel details. I flew, saw him, reunited and he proposed to me a couple of months later when I went to see him again in U.S.

I still grilled him about this after we got married. "What would you have done if I hadn't brought up meeting you again?" I know I shouldn't have but it bothered me somehow ever after we were married.

Anyways... so the memory started haunting me again lately as I'm giving him the time and space. What if I don't initiate the contact? What if he is misunderstanding about where I stand like the last time..?

So I guess what I'm trying to say is although your cousin's opinions might be against "As if" I kind of understand it especially because of my past experience. You know your W more than anyone. Try to remember how she acted when she went into her cave.

[sandi2]

What is the difference in what your cousin is suggesting and pursuing/pressuring the WAW?

Why would you tell her that you will keep your light on in case she decides to come back?

And are you going to support her if she's having an A?

but in my humble opinion it might make all the difference to her to actually know how you really feel right now as opposed to hearing nothing from you and possibly reaching her own self-fulfilling prophecy confirmations like, "See, the fact that he's not saying anything only proves that he doesn't care or isn't interested in me."

This is not the thinking or reaction of a WAW who is in an A! And, if you found inappropriate contents between her and OM, then she's probably having an EA, if not a PA by now. If that's the case, you don't need to appear to be available (leaving the light on) b/c it just pushes her away.

It will also show her that you care enough about the relationship to invest time in counseling, reading, and self reflection, and you are willing to make changes for the future. It's possible that these might be sticking points for her. Her knowing how you are currently making changes might be the start of the "heat" she's looking for to melt away the ice that has formed between you

Again, how is this different from any other pleading & promise making? A WAW doesn't want to hear how much you love her (or care about the M)and what you're willing to do to keep her. She doesn't want you convincing her how much you care! If she had left under different circumstances, there might be an exception, but based on your written post, I just don't agree with your cousin's advice. We always tell the LBH to improve himself, but not to talk about it to his W. If you really change, she'll hear about it, or see it for herself.

[JRG]

Hi JRG,

So have you decided to do anything? This is the same problem I struggle with every day as we don't have kids either. We don't have a reason to see each other than some of his mail I still get here.

Hi looking. Thanks for telling your story. I'm still fairly confused. Some days I really believe that no contact is the best. Other days I start questioning it. Last Friday I did email her just to ask how her Memorial Day weekend went. The conversation was pretty neutral but I still seemed to come away from it with negative/hurt feelings. I guess because I'm STILL not used to her acting in such a distanced/cold manner. Maybe that should be my lesson to leave her alone!

This Friday is her birthday. Sounds strange but I really wish it wasn't. I feel like I HAVE to at least text or email wishing her a happy bday, but at this point I don't even want to initiate anything. I guess I'm scared what she'll think if I don't tell her happy bday. (I can't believe that she has this power over my feelings...although I know it's not her...it's me allowing these feelings. During our marriage I never felt this way!)

Anyways... so the memory started haunting me again lately as I'm giving him the time and space. What if I don't initiate the contact? What if he is misunderstanding about where I stand...

These are the exact feelings that I start having when we haven't had contact in awhile.

[JRG]

And are you going to support her if she's having an A?

This is not the thinking or reaction of a WAW who is in an A!

I'm not sure if she's having an A. Besides the phone calls early in our sitch, I have no other suspicions. She's been traveling home (3hr drive) every other weekend to hang out with her family. She tells me things that they've done while she was there. I would think that if she was in an A that she would want to spend time with the OM. Could she be lying about going there? It's possible, but deep down I don't believe her to be that kind of person. If she was lying I think she wouldn't tell me anything at all (as opposed to making up stories).

However, assuming that she isn't in an A, would that change anything? Your statements refer to a WAW in a A.

[sandi2]

I noticed a recurring phone number. This person has called my wife several times (even several times a day)and they talked for up to 2 hrs. Including midnight calls. I'm devastated at what seems to be obvious.

So I "gently" asked her about the number during a phone call with her. She admitted that it was a guy that she works with but said that "it was nothing". Well, IMO, receiving a call from another man at 4am is definitely something. She said that she just needed to talk with someone.

I told her that I trusted her and I didn't think she would do anything like that.

It's possible, but deep down I don't believe her to be that kind of person.

I wasn't "that kind" of person, either, but I still had an EA. It has only been a couple of months since you discovered the phone activity.

Women don't walk away from a M b/c they read a personality book! But they do tell their H's the same cr@p your W has told you about needing to find herself, etc.

Could she be lying? If she can cheat, she can certainly lie.

She didn't have to tell you much of anything b/c you were too quick to tell her you trust her and didn't believe she would ever do anything "like that". Whenever you have evidence staring you in the face and you give her an open door to continue inappropriate behavior, you're pretty much sticking your head in the sand. Did you not find it odd timing that she would want to leave just as you confront her about the midnight & 4:00 am calls?

IMO, you need to handle this as having a WAW who is in an A. No contact of any kind. Let her wonder what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Stop with the temp checks.

You said you were assuming you were in the LRT, so what type of action would apply?