Welcome! And I do appreciate you weighing in. (I think I'm a little harsher on myself, so thanks for being supportive.)
I dated someone for a year thru/after my divorce, and it ended by him too. I think in some respects, it was much tougher to bounce back from that R than from the death of my marriage. I've had 8 years to evaluate why, and I think it was because it was the first time I really felt something significant for a man for the first time since my XH. And like you, I had hoped he would be a forever guy. I just see now that it was a very useful and helpful relationship - one that was instructional as well as the one pivot point to give me hope that I could be with someone again.
It took me about 9 months after we broke up before I started feeling okay again. I grieved that death hard.
I don't know if Mr. Sweet Stuff is that guy either.
I did have a long chat with D19, who called me after she got off from work. I started with an apology and she said, "Stop! You don't need to apologize to me."
She asked me if I liked him and vice versa and gave me her blessing. She told me that she thought I had been a good mom and done all the right things for so long that she didn't judge me either. I feel like crying now. Especially since she told me that she'll make sure she watches D16 on Sunday so I can go on my date. I am blessed to have such an understanding daughter.
When I told her I didn't know if he was the forever guy, she asked why? I told her that I've been single or separated from her dad and all others for 10 years now, and that it's been enough for me to love the life I've lived as their mom. And right now, it still IS enough for me. But when she graduates from college and ultimately moves away in 3 years, I'm not sure if I'll feel the same way then. I figure I have time to mull this all over.
In the meantime, I think I'm just going to thank the good Lord for bringing me something good and fun, and for continuing to grace me with the love of friends and family. They are far kinder to me, knowing how tough it's been to do this on my own for 10 years. I literally have a cheering squad on the sidelines. As a friend once told me, "Every now and then, the sun shines on a dog's a$$."
I'm pretty sure I'm the dog's a$$...
Take care-
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
See, the problem is, at our age..........if you're with a sexy guy, and he likes you, and you like him......sometimes it's darned hard to find a rational reason to say no!
I've been warned before, though, that when the R gets sexual right away, it tends to short-circuit the rest of the process of getting to know the other person - the relationship gets kinda stunted.
I don't know if this is really true, or always true - but worth watching out for. Make him woo you a little bit now, at least
Ellie, I will journal it out. Thanks for helping. He sent me a text on his break to ask about day and to see if I had talked to D19. So that's been nice. He also said he is looking forward to Sunday.
He's seriously a decent guy. Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I've been warned before, though, that when the R gets sexual right away, it tends to short-circuit the rest of the process of getting to know the other person - the relationship gets kinda stunted.
That's been my experience kml. I actually told SDA lady that when we were first dating and discussed our thoughts on you-know-what. I was OK with no sex for awhile and we waited for seven months. When I told her I needed a little more she stepped up. I once dated a woman for six months and pretty much all we did was have sex...and have sex...and have sex. We never went anywhere but dinner and rushed to her place...to have sex. Finally, she dumped me because she decided she didn't love me, she felt it had just been lust. Through this time we thought we loved each other and had a great relationship but in hindsight we were stunted and the R never grew...the only thing that grew was between my legs lol. So, yes, I agree with you kml.
im glad you had a great time! people deserve to have some fun once in awhile. live in the moment. you cant always be second guessing things. he sounds pretty cool from what you have said.. enjoy him being mr. right now. he very well could turn into mr. right. as long as you both are upfront with each other, who knows what will happen. i'm happy for ya!!
and now i am goin to weigh in on the other stuff..lol women send dirty pics.. alot of of my online dates have went the same way as betsey's, at their initiation. not all went that way cuz i turned it down for my own reasons. sex on the first date doesnt mean the relationship is doomed from the start. my XW and i had sex our first date and we were together for a long time. enjoy the dating scene. it is tough and i feel you gineen. my XW was my first real girlfriend and now i am trying to figure it out as well. keep smiling and you never know what will happen!!
btw.. gineen, did you look at SD's POF? im gonna check out jersey..lol
I've had a good night's sleep and feel a whole lot better about everything now. I think some of my malaise and 2nd guessing is a little bit from the maudlin effects of not getting enough shut eye.
I had a text from him last night wishing me a good night, and again this morning wishing me a good day and that he's thinking about me. At least there is respect here. So I think that dodged one bullet. At least for now. Since our date Sunday is at a restaurant with a fabulous outdoor view, I can say with 100% certainty that we won't be conducting any monkey business there!
Wii, I think it's okay to have those lust filled Rs. As long as nobody is confusing it with love, what's the biggie? Unfortunately, I know that usually one partner develops feelings over time and someone gets hurt. That bites.
And to weigh in with Clay and Gineen on the topic of first date sex, I know you're right too. Actually, the big love of my life was the BF I had before I got married. It was magical and one of those types of things that was a chance meeting and there was a tug that some would say was love at first sight (I don't believe in that), that just was compelled to occur. I met him visiting my sister in Scotland on a water taxi back to her flat (he was working for a contractor and also a fellow Virginian). We slept with each other the first date, and wound up conducting a long term love affair for a couple of years. We still keep in touch - he's happily married with kids and we have a mutual respect for each other.
BTW, it took me a long time to figure out why I didn't marry him. I dumped him for Mr. Wonderful, even though I hated doing that. He was really good looking as well as smart as hell - a mechanical engineer who was anything but geeky - but also didn't take it seriously and was always nice to women and trolls. He was hit on constantly when we dated. The reason I fell in love with him was because of how he treated them. He'd tell them that I was his lady love, he was out with me, and it was a sign of disrespect to dismiss me, and he didn't appreciate it. They usually apologized to both of us. Anyhoo, over time, the constant attention bugged me. I'm not a jealous person, but you get a steady diet of that and it makes you become someone you don't like. That's why I broke up with him. He told me years later that I broke his heart. That bummed me out.
Anyhoo... getting back to Gineen.
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I know I won't run into him in the grocery store.
Nope, I wouldn't discount that. When you are supposed to meet someone, I am a wholehearted believer of divine intervention (see water taxi story above). Is it likely? Probably not. But someone actually does win the lottery every week, don't they? Why not you?
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I know I won't find him from my couch.
Now that IS true! In fact, that's why I did the online thing. My couch is really comfortable, and while I can fantasize there all I want while watching romantic comedies, nobody will pop into my living room!
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Most of my activities are with my married girlfriends. Are family oriented bar blues where everyone has there significant other and then there is me. I'm ok with it but would love to have " the one" with me. I just really have no clue to go about this. I have the problem where I am in a much much different place than men my age.
Yes, I know EXACTLY that feeling! When I hung out with the volleyball directors, their spouses would often join too (whom I all like as well). I was always the fifth wheel, and often wished I had someone else to share my experiences with while with them. I just tamped down those feelings, stuck with the program and decided that I was going to be the best friend I could.
Ok, so you answered the big question:
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I'm scared scared scared, but ready. I ant someone who wants me just as much if not more.
Then let's make sure your online profile is rock steady with who you are and what you want. Let's give these guys the road map. If they can't read a map, then they can get lost!
You are so young, and definitely deserve having a partner - someone to give Gabby more brothers and sisters if that's what you want. And if that's your heart desire, Gineen, you definitely should get that. I'll be your cheer leader. I'm not saying you're gonna find him online, but at the very least, why not look at this as practice for when you DO meet Mr. Tall, Dark and Hot?
Let's just look at this as spring training!
The really great news for you and Clay is that the men and women in your desired candidate pool are all at the time in their lives where they are seeking a partner with the same qualifications as you have. They aren't usually so jaded and disillusioned like those in my age pool. I don't want you to let us old farts dampen your enthusiasm and hope that you can find him. Because I believe with all my heart that you will. You just have to believe that too!
Hugs to everyone today-
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, the R mentioned was not initiated as a lustful activity. We were dating and looking for a partner but when we jumped into the sack real fast, that became the R. So, what I learned was that it's best (for me) to refrain and build an intimacy before hand, to build a history together. I also (again, for me) find it a secure feeling to make love to someone who I know cares a great deal for me...and at my age performance is never a given, so an understanding partner who is into you is a nice thing to have . Anyway, that's my take.
Wii, I'm totally with you! With the exception of my Scotland BF, all my love partners since then - including Mr. Wonderful - started out as my friends and progressed from there. I prefer that timeline too. I want to be able to know all those things as well.
So know that we're on the same page. That's why I shocked myself.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Gineen, it's perfectly normal to be scared. When I started online dating I certainly was. I'd been out of action for 21 years! Would anyone even want me? It felt so raw, putting a profile out there for everyone to judge and reject. If I did meet anyone would I be any fun? Would I ever be able to trust again? It's all anxiety provoking...but, it we don't leave the nest we ain't gonna get any worms are we? So, just feel ok about being scared. I'd be worried if you weren't!
Betsey
That bummed me out.