NILWY - There is this "chemistry" b/w us

[Kim65]

Thanks AnotherStander.... Despite how it may of sounded I ment "old pair of shoes" in a positive way.. Sort of like "the grass isn't always greener on the other side", sometimes it's ends up being artificial grass!!

I have been working on myself... and feel quite happy with how I've done. Must addmitt though, thinking of getting a new hair style!!

I will look for that story in my DR book!

[Kim65]

I finally heard from H last night...

It wasn't just about asking how I was, H called to tell me he's not going on our holiday!! Feels as though I would have "expectations" about our trip. I said to him that that's not the case, well maybe a "little".( I didn't tell hm that though)

I reminded H that this was his idea that we still go together, he had sworn he wouldn't change his mind, the only way that he wouldn't go was if he was dead!!

His reply was "I haven't been very good at keeping my word have I??" and I replied no...

Told him I realize that he doesn't want me any more, that he loves the OW. All I wanted was to go, enjoy some time away, I know he is going to want to go off and do his own thing. I reminded him that if nothing else we have, through all of this, still been able to get along.

I then asked if the OW had had any thing to do with it. He got defensive and said he didn't want to talk about her, he makes his own decisions...

H also said if i didn't have any expectations why was i so disappointed?? I just said "would u prefer that I had cheered that you weren't going??"

I actually kept my cool pretty well, didn't over react. We then just started having a normal conversation just about "stuff", which was nice to do.just to diffuse the situation.

Before the end of our conversation he said he would re think about going and let me know. I'm not holding my breath though...

I "WILL" still go on our holiday even if he doesn't, and I did tell him that.... I am upset though that H has gone back on his word, don't feel as though I can believe anything he says.

I've just remembered the statement "Don't believe anything they say and only half of what u see"... How true!!

[InnerStrength]

Kim, I know with my W, I have never been able to depend on anything she says or promises since before BD - since the affair started, in particular. Even after the affair was exposed and we had started to develop a solid friendship, she would still lie to me about things and break her word. For instance, it was agreed that she would not have OM near our kids in any capacity. I took my oldest son to an event last month while we still lived together and she had him at our family home -- she didn't think D4 would tell me.

I called her on it and we had an argument which ended up in her recanting the agreement outright, which means now she won't even wait until S7 (who is the most deeply affected by the whole thing and unfortunately, thanks to another family member, knows what happened between those two) is gone -- he has to see this guy. They are no longer romantically involved but it still can't be easy for my son who is really fragile right now.

Anyway, my point is: the WAS will continue to lie or break agreements for quite some time. It got easier when I really internalized that statement about "Don't believe anything they say", and that means having the expectation that any agreement they make could be broken and anything they tell you at any point could be a lie.

I have a fantastic relationship with my WAW nowadays -- in her words, we are now "best friends" -- but I still wouldn't trust her for a second and that expectation does help to handle it when they do disappoint.

I don't know if it is healthy advice, but it is what helped me.

[Papa4Life]

It got easier when I really internalized that statement about "Don't believe anything they say", and that means having the expectation that any agreement they make could be broken and anything they tell you at any point could be a lie.
...

I still wouldn't trust her for a second and that expectation does help to handle it when they do disappoint.

This is such a great point. I never even once thought about it this way. This is a very good insight.

[Kim65]

Your right Papa4life, that is such a great point by nolongersure!!

I now know that H is not going with me to the Cook Islands. He called Monday night to tell me. And you know what, I'm ok with that!!... I really feel as though I'm moving forward now, I'm much more like my normal self!! And I am feeling happier about my life... I now know that no matter happens, I'm going to be fine.

I just said to H to let me know if you change your mind??

I'm in the process of having an agreement drawn up about the sale of our house, just to cover myself, no matter how much H reassured me he's going to give me half...

A dear friend of mine who has used the DB site before has said to me that I now need to go "Pitch Black" and have no contact at all, non... not to even leave it for a few days before I answer any texts or calls. Nothing....

I'm not sure if that's going to work with H, it worked for her and her H but my H is completely different to hers..

Need a little advice from others!!!... I was just going to continue with being "dark".... Me not initiating contact with him ect... Can any one else help me out, let me know what they have done , and did it work or help??

[Kim65]

I know that patience is the key to this process, but in the back of my mind I wonder if it's all going to be for nothing?

But I'm not about to throw in the towel just yet, I guess I thought I may of had more progress than this with H. I must remember that Rome wasn't built in a day!

[Kim65]

Well H dropped a bomb tonight!!

He called around to drop off the travel details and Ticket for the holiday. All started well, I hadn't seen him for a month...

To cut a long story short H is now going to the Cook Islands but not with M, yes with the OW. Not at the same time as I'm going during the July school holidays, but during the September holidays....

Just another kick in the guts!!. H said he's not wanting to intentionally hurt me but I don't think he gets it???

I feel very hurt and feel like just giving up??

[~ kd ~]

How are you doing, Kim?

It does svck that he is going with OW and not with you. You knew that was a possibility, though.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, you say he is going in September? He might end up going with OW... then again, that's a long time away... who knows what could happen in that paradise, before then.

[Kim65]

Hi KD, Thanks for asking after me!

You know I never thought he would have gone with the OW KD, I thought that if H went it would of been with me or not at all. I now realize how naive I really am....

I haven't had to much to post about, although this week I finally feel as though I have turned a major corner.I think I'm beginning to accept what has happened and feel prepared to truly move forward.

H and OW aren't consuming my thoughts as they were, I'm focusing more on myself and my future. Truly looking at taking care of myself and not worrying about anyone else. I'm certainly not interested in "finding another man", that's not even entering my mind. The only man I would be interested in is still H.... but at the same time I'm letting him go...

H and I have virtually no contact, we have sent the odd text message which has had to do with family ect, he has dropped off mail to my letter box. I do so miss our talks and miss hearing his voice. I know that H and OW are just getting on with their relationship and I'm trying not to concern myself with that. Of course I still hope the "wheels" fall of at some stage!!

I leave next Saturday for my holiday, I've only just got myself motivated about it. Had been feeling a little flat, not really looking forward to it. But I am now!!

I'm off to the hairdressers this am, think I'll have a change in my look seeing as though this is the new me!..

If nothing else I feel a new sense of calmness within myself, but don't worry I know I'm still ridding the roller-coaster!!