Hello, I have posted before on this topic and I have a whole sitch in I need support. But i guess we were always peicing. Aren't we always peicing something? Our friends, family, our lives our love? I though that this time would be different. Tha we could make the R go forward enough that we would never have to be here. I have rotating feelings. I feel angry and resentful when I think about how much I have sacficed and little she sees that. I feelsad and lonely when she sees that I am being angry and doinga poor job at hiding it. I feel lost and confused when she turns away form me in bed or doesn't want to give me a kiss. I feel so many things and out of all those things one feeling pemiates, I don not wnat to lose this woman. No matter how hard it gets or what I have to do I know I am meant for her and she for me. I am trying to give her spavce but it oftens seems like I am giving her a free ticket to do whatever she wants. I don't wnt her to hinkl that she gave it a try and she still feels like she is caged but at the same time I don't want her to feel like there isn't anyhthing between us anymore. I am so confused? She talks about the future with eachother inderectly and directly but I don't know hat she is thnnking I don't know if it time fro a temperature check? Ite feels like there is a huge gulf between us at times and I am afraid to ask how she is doing, beacuaes her thing with me is the fact that I am too needy at times and need constant reassurnace. What a I need to know is some techniques for me to stop the negative thiking and then being so needy. I am a bad actor when it comes to this. I wear my emotions pretty much all over my sleeve. She hasn' asked for a D but I feel that I am pushing her that way with out meaning to? Help. Please.
But I have to say one thing! Your S is still living with you! You have a chance to work on your M, so don't blow it! I'd give anything to have my S home! Geesh!
Ok, when you have negative thoughts start listing positives, put up a stop sign when you do the stinking thinking! Are you giving her space, really? uhmmm Be loving, be her friend. Let her lead the dance.
And by all means count your blessings, there are some here that have it worse off than you. Buck up, and start reading the DR book.
And know that at least you have a chance to save your M! Now get to work, and DB your butt off!
I too tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Learning to truly feel positive and happy about myself and my life (with or without H) has been a true exercise in patience and control. My H has been in and out 4x now. I have given ultimatums, gotten needy, and not given him space when he really needed it. This time is different. He too is still at home right now, but showing his all too familiar pattern of bolting. I am continuing to be supportive without pressuring and loving without smoothering. If you do the opposite of what they expect, you will be surprised at the results. Just lst night H started to really push my buttons (see my thread) and old me would have BLOWN UP. I made up my mind that I would not be affected and I wasn't. Eventually H loosened up and had a great time too. Hang in there! P
Thank you. Is there something you visualize or do you just tell yourself to get over this little thing? It is hard for me to not take whatever could be sort of negative and make more of it then it should be?
Thank you. Your right it could be worse? I guess i just ahe to start looking at the positive. I have read DB and DR , I'll go an re-read the juicy parts. Thanks again
Here are some of the things that really and truly worked for me in terms of abating my anger and negative feelings.
1. Listening to audiotapes on Buddhism and compassion. The fundamental teachings of Buddhism are chock full of ways to develop alternate views to anger and a lack of forgiveness and other negative emotions. I am not a Buddhist nor do I play one on TV but the thoughts in these tapes hold universal appeal.
My two favorites are:
Your Buddha Nature by Jack Kornfield Awakening Compassion by Pema Chodron
2. Meditating -- I have to say that developing a daily meditation practice has saved my mind Just 10 minutes a day regularly (that's the key!) has really helped me quiet my mind...which can help you be an observer (as opposed to a reacter!) when your emotions get out of hand.
I'd highly recommend the Vipassana Meditation that you can download for free from:
3. Exercise -- Keeping myself exercising and eating right just works for me to stay upbeat and positive.
4. Getting the feelings out in a journal -- In the early days of my sitch I wrote some unbelievably venomous entries in my journal...I created horrible scenarios where really, really bad things happened to ow. I called her and my h every single name in the book ON PAPER. This period didn't last long but it was beneficial.
5. Working on Forgiveness -- I've read quite a few books on it and recently went to a seminar about it. if you go to my thread the first few posts are exercises around Forgiveness.
6. Time.
7. Being kind to myself. It's ok to be angry and hurt and a thousand other things. As long as you're not wallowing in it or using it to harm others...I think it's expected that you WILL feel badly sometimes.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Gosh. Thank you. I have started to meditate a bit and that does feel good. I am trying to let my "blanket " of judging and anxiety go . I will try the steps you suggest. One more to suggestn though I am one of those people who can't listen to the radio. Songs hold to many memories for me at the moment. Thank you again this is great.
Life Lesson #20 You must have great non expectations. It doesn't make sense to second or third or 158th guess your life.
Just 10 minutes a day regularly (that's the key!) has really helped me quiet my mind...which can help you be an observer (as opposed to a reacter!) when your emotions get out of hand.