Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[Portia]

B,

I was thinking about you - are you still around?

How are you doing, my friend. I hope you are on a nice vacation with your kids.

[BRNR]

Hey Portia,

Thanks for checking in on me...I am still here.

After last weeks events of finding how much happened with H, OW, and my boys, I had to take a break and let it all go...

I enjoyed my holiday weekend with my boys, some friends, and family. S9's birthday was also Memorial Day this year, so now he will be S10.

I really don't have much to report. h asked me last week if I contacted mediator, which I told him yes. He was suppose to make an appointment, but I have not heard about it. H went missing all weekend, dropped off sons birthday present at my job on Friday, called and spoke to only s10 for five minutes Monday...and today he couldn't make it to my s14 last Pop Concert of the year.

So, after last week, I just kinda threw H on the back burner. The kids and I had a great weekend, even though on the little exhausting side. I have tried to keep up with everyone's sitches, but am slightly behind. The break has done me wonders mentally and emotionally and has helped with detaching even more.

There is nothing I can do except roll with the punches where H is considered, all other aspects of my life seem back on track including work.

IMO, now that OW and the truth is out there with my boys, I feel like a weight has been lifted and things are seen more clearly not just by me, but by everyone else too!

My PMA is up, I have felt like myself again, and the kids seem happier honestly. I am eating more regularly and sleeping a little bit better. The saying the truth will set you free has become my reality I guess.

Sorry to ramble, but I did so much this weekend, that I am running on little energy...there were things that happened, but nothing that would shock anybody on this board and nothing that I stressed over. (Finally)!

So, another day down, the rest of my life to go...and I am feeling really good about it. Goodnight everyone!

[Portia]

B,

I am so glad you posted and so glad to hear the break was good for you. I agree, sometimes you just have to step back and breathe!

No doubt you will hit the hills again (we all do!) but if it helps, from my experience the ups and downs are not nearly so bad as in the months following BD. The first time I actually noticed I was hungry was a cool moment!

Take care!

[BRNR]

Portia, I am sure you are right that I will hit a low moment soon, as they seem to come when we least expect.

I almost feel as if I have given up trying to save my marriage. If it is saved, then great, if it isn't, then it isn't. This sitch has destroyed parts of my marriage that I will never get back even if we do R.

So at this point I have let go. I am doing nothing but focusing on me...and doing things now that I will never be able to do in a marriage to my H or otherwise. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but it is what it is.

[BRNR]

So, low moment has hit this morning. This morning my mind is swirling a little...random thoughts of what is going on with H and what is going on with me.

So for starters, H sent me a text yesterday...well, we actually exchange a few text yesterday about S10. I tried to keep it light hearted and threw in a comment about how I never see him smile anymore. H said that he probably won't be smiling for a long time. I said I was sad to hear. A little later he sent me a text that said "I am on the edge and don't know whether to jump or take two steps back" I was immediately concerned. i responded with "if you want to talk I am here, and how i knew he was a strong man and he would figure things out". A few more text back and forth with him finally saying "Thank you for everything" I was really concerned he was having some type of suicidal thoughts, and I would never want our children to endure anything like that. I am chalking it up to H seeking some attention, and I, the big dummy, fell for the trap.

I am off GAL this weekend...alone. I am doing some good things this weekend, but I would love to have the company of my old H. Pretty bitter sweet moment just thinking about it, but I know I will be fine. Something about my internal feelings has changed, and it does scare me. I don't feel like I "love" H, but really miss him. I am not sure how that works, as you would think they go hand in hand. Also, while I feel this way, I believe that I am starting to have more compassion towards H. But not as a H, but more like an extended family member. I look at all the mess he has created and wonder what his life will be in the future. Shame to say I feel for his future "self" whatever that may be. I know my old H would be destroyed over what new H has done to his family...but H may never get there if he stays stuck, which he seems to be stuck in a life he doesn't like, which is unusal to me. Why do they seem unhappy with the "new" life choices they make for themselves. Aren't they doing what makes them happy?

Last thing on my mind is H's dress code the past three days. He has to wear a shirt and tie to work, and the past three days, he has showed up to pick up the kids in jeans and t-shirt. I know I shouldn't make assumptions, but I am concerned H maybe has lost his job...which will put me in a financial bind as well. I am trying not to dwell on it, but like I said my mind is swirling this morning.

So, just a small update for me. I hope to enjoy my weekend alone at the beach...going through a few days here of 90+ degree weather. Should be awesome after what seems to have been a long winter around my area.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend. Oh, and by the way, I still haven't had time to catch up on everyone's sitches...maybe at the beach I can do some reading...

[job]

BRNR,
They are like children in my respects. They see a bright, brand new toy that shines and they want it. Once they get it, the shine soon wears off. The same applies to this new life that they think will be even better than the old life. Many of them will say that it's not what they had expected. They forget that the responsibilities of taking care of a place, bills, children, etc., still have to be seen to. They forgot one little thing...their spouses use to do a lot of those things for them while they worked. Now, they have double the work and it's not an exciting adventure any longer.

As for the way he's dressing...maybe he's left work early and stopped by his place to change. He could be working in a different office that doesn't require dressing up. There are any number of reasons why he's dressing in tees and jeans. Try not to allow your mind to wander and "assume" something. Assuming will get you in trouble every time.

Enjoy your weekend at the beach. You need a break and please try to leave the mlc monster at home. Travel safely.

[golf mom]

B, you are not a dummy that fell for a trap. You're a wonderful, caring person who reached out to someone in need. Regardless of the destruction these MLCers cause we all remember who they really are and our commitment to them and the deep love we still have allows us to be sensative when they are obviously hurting. It's wonderful that you two had a moment of honest communication. That's what happens when we're guided by our heart not our head (no ego!). Nicely done!

Enjoy your time at that beach!

[BRNR]

So, a bit of anger tonight, and I released on H. Need to vent...

h sends me a text that he is going to be late with the kids. I had Madelyn's to take them out for ice cream and this would impede, so I asked him how late because I wanted to do that. He replied 45 minutes and then told me "he" was making them dessert. I asked him not to as I had plans and since he would have them later that that would be the trade off. I then texted my son to let him know what the plans were and he said OW was making them a surprise dessert. I lost it. I called H and told him that it was very disrespectful that he couldn't honor my wishes especially since I was being giving on him bringing the boys home late. He replied with well OW is making them something special and I said I didn't care and she wasn't thier mother so she could not make that call and that he needed to respect me as I did him in that regard. He got angry, and I didn't care. So upon arrival of bringing the kids home I just happened to be venting to a freind and waved goodbye to H. But he wanted to talk, and instead of getting off the phone I told him that I had to take the call and practically pushed him out the door by following behind him and shutting the door. He got upset, and I didn't care. My rationale is that my time, is my time, and I don't have to stop everything because of H. So afterward I texted him what's up, and got no reply and then I called and he didn't pick up. So I sent him a final text that was sarcastic that said " I tried to call, but I guess whatever it was, wasn't important, and to have a good night. No response.

Oh, and H didn't have time to wash the kids clothes or feed them lunch today. Go figure...I guess it interferes with OW and OWD time. I am just sick and tired of having my kids being schmoozed by a girl who is partly responsible for thier life being turned upside down....and trying to mother my kids if that is going to make it better, and H still lying as if he is doing things for and with the kids. Not. He was supposed to by S14 clothes this weekend and didn't do that either.

I guess I was a little mean tonight, but I was infuriated hearing OW spent time with my kids...again...and my anger got the best of me. I know I was wrong, but consider how much I don't say, it was bound to happen. Hopefully all is forgotten by H and myself in the morning...

[AJM]

Are you surprised, BRNR? I'm not. He impeded on your boundary, you responded. It's as simple as that. If you let it be.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't get so angry. But you do, and that's how it is. You weren't mean, per se. You were defending your boundary. That's how respect works.

I don't suggest bringing it up. There's no point. If he does, just let him know that you expect to be respected. End the conversation there or you will start to vent all kinds of stuff. And seem crazy in doing so... (but you're not; you're hurt and that's different. Just saying how it would look)

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Thanks AJ. I am just really tired of my waivering emotions...miss him, hate him, want him back, kill him, be kind to him, empathy, anger, frustration, love him, etc...

I really wish my mind and heart could stick to one and go with it...why can't I do that?

So dwelling on a lot tonight knowing I may have pushed H to do something vindictive. And no, I a m not surprised by his actions tonight or what comes "next".

I constantly think about filing for the divorce myself, but know that wont solve anything for emotionally, which is why I refuse to do so.

Respect...hah. h doesn't know what that means and keeps stabbing me innthe back every chance he gets. I am starting to think that he is not MLC and I am just giving him an excuse of why everything is happening. Is that normal? Who knows, I just know that there are more times then not that H seems really intent on what he does, and very little times with the confusion. I just wonder if I am wrong in all this by applying a label to the situation and not really just living with the reality of my h cheated on me and is moving on with his life. Is that stupid of me or what?

So having a down night to which was a very peaceful, relaxing weekend. I feel I added another nail to my coffin and I am getting tired of putting in the work. I wish I knew what my next step was. 6 months out and I feel like I should be further along in my emotions, detachment, and line of thinking...yes AJ I do care, that is why I am crying right now, because my actions were horrid tonight and I am regretting it.