Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

So, low moment has hit this morning. This morning my mind is swirling a little...random thoughts of what is going on with H and what is going on with me.

So for starters, H sent me a text yesterday...well, we actually exchange a few text yesterday about S10. I tried to keep it light hearted and threw in a comment about how I never see him smile anymore. H said that he probably won't be smiling for a long time. I said I was sad to hear. A little later he sent me a text that said "I am on the edge and don't know whether to jump or take two steps back" I was immediately concerned. i responded with "if you want to talk I am here, and how i knew he was a strong man and he would figure things out". A few more text back and forth with him finally saying "Thank you for everything" I was really concerned he was having some type of suicidal thoughts, and I would never want our children to endure anything like that. I am chalking it up to H seeking some attention, and I, the big dummy, fell for the trap.

I am off GAL this weekend...alone. I am doing some good things this weekend, but I would love to have the company of my old H. Pretty bitter sweet moment just thinking about it, but I know I will be fine. Something about my internal feelings has changed, and it does scare me. I don't feel like I "love" H, but really miss him. I am not sure how that works, as you would think they go hand in hand. Also, while I feel this way, I believe that I am starting to have more compassion towards H. But not as a H, but more like an extended family member. I look at all the mess he has created and wonder what his life will be in the future. Shame to say I feel for his future "self" whatever that may be. I know my old H would be destroyed over what new H has done to his family...but H may never get there if he stays stuck, which he seems to be stuck in a life he doesn't like, which is unusal to me. Why do they seem unhappy with the "new" life choices they make for themselves. Aren't they doing what makes them happy?

Last thing on my mind is H's dress code the past three days. He has to wear a shirt and tie to work, and the past three days, he has showed up to pick up the kids in jeans and t-shirt. I know I shouldn't make assumptions, but I am concerned H maybe has lost his job...which will put me in a financial bind as well. I am trying not to dwell on it, but like I said my mind is swirling this morning.

So, just a small update for me. I hope to enjoy my weekend alone at the beach...going through a few days here of 90+ degree weather. Should be awesome after what seems to have been a long winter around my area.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend. Oh, and by the way, I still haven't had time to catch up on everyone's sitches...maybe at the beach I can do some reading...