Well MzJay, I read thru your threads, and have to say how much I admire you for your strength and fortitude in dealing with your H all these years. At least most of the rest of us have the carrot before us that just MAYBE our H or W will go back to his pre-DB personality. But what do you have to look forward to? Some affection and sex? (well sex IS something to look forward to ) You are truly a woman who believes in the sancity of her vows, and I so look up to you for standing all these years, since way before the bomb.
Geez, your H's mind is truly amazin'. The squish game!? Threatening your S over a sandwich!? It must really s*ck to be a woman!? All women are illogical!? Not even asking his OW what is wrong with her when she tells him she cannot breathe or see, maybe she was having a stroke or heart attack for heavens sake!? And then actually SHOWING YOU their text conversation!? That totally flabbergasts me. And the worst in my mind -- saying "if our marriage is over...." in front of your son and then wondering why he could not see the "positive" in that!?
Congratulations on losing two pounds, on your new step grand daughter (it is SO sad that they are estranged from your H), on having such wonderful kids despite their dad's influence all these years, and on being a super wonderful employee (nice to be appreciated somewhere in your life, right?). Have you signed up for school this fall? I think this is a great GAL idea.
You are one terrific woman. Someday your H will appreciate that. Maybe after you've had enough....
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi Snodderly, Linda & Portia! Thanks for stopping by.
Snodderly Martha Stewart I am not. But there is a certain amount of caretaking that must get done every so often. The kids might help - if they are properly corralled and beaten- but everyone here is so busy all the time between work, school, sports etc that sometimes it gets more than a little wild. But! Get this! I have tomorrow off!! HA HA! from both jobs! and from sporting events!! and from H, for at least a while although his "itinerary" says he returns tomorrow afternoon. So I just might get caught up ~ I am now doing a little dance
LindaM I don't know what I have to "look forward to" - but I guess that's no different than most on this board. I don't know what an official diagnosis of H would be... I have a zillion theories. But things were "good" for such a short while, and so long ago, that I really don't hold out much hope for that. I would "settle" for honesty, integrity, compassion, consideration. I would "like" also patience, interest in who I am, and not to have to listen to nastiness regarding gender, race, religion etc. I would "love" to have a squirt gun fight, dance in the kitchen and hold hands at the breakfast table.
And thanks for the accountability regarding school. I haven't made that phone call yet. I have a few half-reasons why not, and plenty of whole-excuses... but I need to at least call and get some info, some of my particular questions asked. I will make a call this week or face 2X4's.
And Portia! Hey sweetie just wanted to tell you I think about you and your sitch quite often. (((hugs))) I stumbled across the post below, (you may have read it before) and of course YOU jumped right out of the lines.
Originally Posted By: Tipper
Hey All, I am so so sorry I have been away for a while.
I unfortunately just got laid off from my teaching job I have been in for the last 8 years and My life feels like its been flipped upside down all over again.
I will do much better dealing with this crisis now though - that I have survived my H's MLC. Its made me stronger in many ways and one of them is to not freak out so bad about new changes and other crisis. I know I will be o.k. no matter what.
I will be gone for a while on the boards due to not having internet access all the time. And I am sorry to any of those I didnt respond to lately. I have my thoughts on all of you here, even though I am not posting.
The best DBing thing I look back on doing was definetly NOT CALLING MY H. So for anyone that is in the dark and not calling due to the DB advice : I am evidence it works. So stick it out. DONT CALL the WAS.
I strongly believe in my situation it was the thing that worked the best. I had to GAL after I realized I could not call him, and the rest the DB advise also followed. But It all starts there if you want to make them notice you again for the first time in a long time. Remember human nature usually get curious or wants to know about the things they dont have or cant get. So if you avoid calling in between visits, it is very much so making an impact on your WAS due to their curiousity. They will only hate it if you call and check on them anyways.
Just tell them the next time you visit. That you dont plan on calling them for a while so that they have enough time to be alone and get space. Say, you will only call when absolutely neccessary and if need be. Otherwise, they are free to do what they want because its their life to live.
For the time your in the dark due to the "not-calling/talking" it is THE WORST EVER< EVER< EVER>. I hated it. But I look back on it as one of the most important things i did and that even my H thanked me for when he finally returned. DONT CALL unless if emergency arrives.
Hang in there all, I will not know when I will be back but I just love this forum and I dont ever really want to leave it forever. And My laptop wont be taken back by my School dist. until the end of June so I have a bit more time. Then I will figure something else out. TIPPER
The red highlights in the above post were done by me.
And I'm only mostly detached. (Similar to "mostly dead", for all you Princess Bride fans out there.) I still have times when I sag, when my breath catches, when tears fall, when I want to hit something. I still have times when I think I can't stand this for even 1 more second...
Sometimes its just so damned hard. And sometimes it just hurts so damned bad.
But the earth has yet to open up and swallow me whole - although I've asked more than once. So I guess I'll just have to keep on blazing the j-trail, whatever that might turn out to be.
Have a good night
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Just what needed to hear. Ready to send a rant text to H. I will pause. Tomorrow another day. If he chooses to be with OW over his kids then really it's his own guilt he has to deal with.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
"I don't know what I have to "look forward to" - but I guess that's no different than most on this board. I don't know what an official diagnosis of H would be... I have a zillion theories. But things were "good" for such a short while, and so long ago, that I really don't hold out much hope for that. I would "settle" for honesty, integrity, compassion, consideration. I would "like" also patience, interest in who I am, and not to have to listen to nastiness regarding gender, race, religion etc. I would "love" to have a squirt gun fight, dance in the kitchen and hold hands at the breakfast table."
I pray you'll get what you would settle for MzJay (honesty, integrity, compassion, and consideration are the BASICS for any R, unfortunately MLCer aren't very truthful, kind or considerate are they!), what you would like (patience, interest in who you are, and not to having to listen to nastiness also seem kind of basic), AND what you would love -- fun and a loving R.
I know how hard it is for you, you are truly the Queen of Standers. And I respect you SO much for it.
You deserve happiness, peace and love. Hopefully that lug nut brain you are married to wakes up and smartens up. But if not, you have done SO much work on yourself and will be a wonderful wife to some one else who can give you the love and respect you deserve.
Shucks, thank you for thinking of me. I hope you are enjoying your free day to the fullest!
Thank you for the quote. Ahhh, conflicting advice. Just enough to confuse someone already spinning The one thing that I did notice, was that she speaks about "visits" and "the next visit" and unfortunately for me, there is no "next visit" without someone breaking the NC. We are too far apart. I am not ready to come out of the dark just yet - if ever - so I am content to wait a bit longer.
Back to basic DBing - Do what works!!
Strong people still hurt, MizJ. I hear you. We'll never be the same after this experience, that is for sure.
Hang in there, my friend. Maybe the H will win again and treat you with the proceeds.
Hey Portia! Good morning. I agree that the quote does not seem to completely pertain to your sitch. Confusing! Do what's best for you my friend, if being in the dark is helping YOU, stay dark. This is all about what's best for you!
I have been half dead since Tuesday evening when some sort of intestinal bugaboo attacked. Idk flu or food poisoning... but it hit me on the drive home from work on Tue, couldn't pull over fast enough... sigh... so have a not so lovely smelling car Have been in bed, or in the bathroom ever since. Worst part was that twice whilst being torn asunder in the bathroom I passed out - and landed on my face.
But, I have lost 5 pounds lol. And the bruises don't show. And it never came to the kids finding their mother passed out half naked on the bathroom floor. (H is at the casino. Txted often, "very concerned", "if you want me to come home say so". Really? I'm deathly ill and passing out.... if I have to ask you to come home, I don't think I want you home!)
I think I feel better today. I had about a quarter cup of apple juice ten minutes ago, waiting to see if I keep it.
Very concerned to be better enough to go to S16's track meet today. Its the regional meet, last one before state. And its 60 miles away.
Interesting event of the day so far (its early, bound to find more interesting stuff at some point lol)...
my laundry detergent has gone missing. Not used up and empty bottle left on the shelf missing, but the whole bottle is gone. As is the stain remover. I have 4 teenagers in the house who can drive cars and operate sophisticated electronics - but are defeated by the intricacies of a washer.... so I'm left to think someone broke into the house and stole my laundry detergent?
Hope everyone is doing well and has something fun planned for the weekend.
Cheers!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I hope you feel better soon. That bug has been making the rounds here in my area as well. I have found that toast and ginger ale or gatorade are the best things for it. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids. It should be almost out of your system. It lasts approximately 3-4 days.
Well, that's interesting about your laundry detergent and stain remover. You don't suppose he took them with him? I can't see your children taking them. Very interesting. You'll find out soon enough because if someone took them from the house, they are bound to spill the beans.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
oh gee whiz MzJay, did your H's OW run out of laundry detergent again? And what are YOU supposed to do, run out to the store when he's at the casino and you are so sick that you can hardly stand up?
Boy oh boy, you had that bug bad. I'm glad you're a bit better. Snodderly is right, ginger ale is great for nausea and vomiting. Let it go flat if the carbonation bothers your stomach. Did you keep the apple juice down?
"H is at the casino. Txted often, "very concerned", "if you want me to come home say so". Really? I'm deathly ill and passing out.... if I have to ask you to come home, I don't think I want you home!"
I'm glad you did not fall for that "if you want me to come home" line. When my H's Russian Tramp was over here in March for her conjugal visit, I developed a rapid heart rhythm (over 200!!) and had to have a cardiac ablation. My sons told their dad that I was in the hospital, and I got that same line, if you want me to come home, just let me know. I said yes, I need you, please come home. He told me he and the Tramp were on the Staten Island ferry, but he'd be home by 5 pm. He showed up three days later. Showed just where I fit in his scheme of important things
You are a strong and wonderful woman, J. I hope and pray for you that you realize that soon. And that you make it to the track meet! Tell your son we all wish him luck!
) You are truly a woman who believes in the sancity of her vows, and I so look up to you for standing all these years, since way before the bomb.
I don't know what I have to "look forward to" - but I guess that's no different than most on this board. I don't know what an official diagnosis of H would be... I have a zillion theories. But things were "good" for such a short while, and so long ago, that I really don't hold out much hope for that. I would "settle" for honesty, integrity, compassion, consideration. I would "like" also patience, interest in who I am, and not to have to listen to nastiness regarding gender, race, religion etc. I would "love" to have a squirt gun fight, dance in the kitchen and hold hands at the breakfast table.
Have been in bed, or in the bathroom ever since. Worst part was that twice whilst being torn asunder in the bathroom I passed out - and landed on my face. 