Linda, I am so impressed with your fortitude and strength. You have been living with this for so long already!
Thanks Portia, it's been over 3 1/2 years, but only the first 2 years and past 3 months were really bad. The rest of the time we lived like friends with benefits Plus I have the advantage of having seen my H temporarily go back to his pre-MLC self, so I know he's still in there somewhere, and have the hope that if I wait long enough, it will happen permanently.
The distance keeps me pretty far from his actions so I don't see the crazy. But when we talked, I could hardly believe that he could say the things he did with a straight face. Like talking about other people's relationships and the train wreck that it is - without realizing that the one he is in the middle of is just as much a train wreck. The truth is, from his perspective, he wanted anyone but me. Wasn't sure about this one, but it might be someone else. Never once did he even come close to saying let's work on us.
They DO have their own agenda and reality, don't they? It seems so strange and hypocritical even, that your SO can see all the problems in his brother's life, but does not realize that he has the exact same stuff going on in his life. The MOST flabbergasting to me, though, is his cockeyed idea that an A is not cheating because you two were not committed to each other. What did he think you two were doing together for the past 18 years?
My H claims he never loved ME (he's a big fat liar!) but at least he adknowledges that I loved him.
You mentioned on your thread that you wondered if the MLCer ever understands what it is they have done to us. I wonder that, too. Will he continue to blame me that I did not want to keep up the friendship for the rest of his life? I guess if he gets stuck in the tunnel, he might. In that way, I would not want to be him and have to face what a horrible person I was to someone I said I loved.
I still have hope that your SO will come out of that tunnel back into the fresh air. Have you thought any more about the two opposing views on no contact vs. limited contact? I still lean towards Scout's method of limited contact, maybe a short text. It made more sense to me. But the time has to be right for you.
Where do you live, by the way, that you have such a short summer?
[/quote]I still have hope that your SO will come out of that tunnel back into the fresh air. Have you thought any more about the two opposing views on no contact vs. limited contact? I still lean towards Scout's method of limited contact, maybe a short text. It made more sense to me. But the time has to be right for you.
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Thanks Linda,
I love your optimism! And as to contact, I am really not sure. I need to be ready to possibly open myself up to being rejected again by him. If I could have no expectations, good or bad, that would be great. But in reality, why would we contact someone - anyone - without the expectation that they would reply? Once upon a time, I would have no trouble breaking the standstill. Never could hold a grudge. But this time is different. Although there is a possibility I might get a friendly reply, that does not mean anything. I might get news I don't want to hear or might not get a reply at all.
I want to make sure I am on solid ground before contacting or simply deciding that I am not inclined to open myself up again to be bitten by the dog who is a known biter.
What did he think you two were doing together for the past 18 years? [quote]
He thinks we were friends with benefits, of course.
We've been separated quite a lot for various reasons over the course of our relationship. I always thought that since we survived all of that for so long that our bond had to be strong.
No, apparently it was apathy on his part. Just did not care enough to pursue another relationship. Or so I am told.
I really shouldn't dwell on the negatives. Doing that makes me want to contact him less and less.
Hi Portia. I like Linda’s optimism too. I’ve just remembered that I was given an advice some time ago by a different relationship coach. She said that you should maintain at least one months of NC when your spouse or SO leaves in order to have better chances to save your R. I’ve also read this in some of the e-books that I purchased right after BD. Some of them actually recommended even longer NC period. And if you make a contact for any reason, then you have to start over. I think you are doing good by maintaining NC for now. You still have some time to consider when you want to make a contact.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just checking in - been under the weather the last couple days.
Interesting choice in reading... don't think I'd be up for that myself, just yet anyway.
But I haven't read much of anything lately - my concentration has dropped off the charts in the last few months.
I see you're still picking petals off daisies... to call or not to call... Well, tomorrow is the start of June, so if you stick to Snodderly's suggestion you only have a month to go.
sending you good thoughts
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
"And as to contact, I am really not sure. I need to be ready to possibly open myself up to being rejected again by him. If I could have no expectations, good or bad, that would be great. But in reality, why would we contact someone - anyone - without the expectation that they would reply? Once upon a time, I would have no trouble breaking the standstill. Never could hold a grudge. But this time is different. Although there is a possibility I might get a friendly reply, that does not mean anything. I might get news I don't want to hear or might not get a reply at all.
I want to make sure I am on solid ground before contacting or simply deciding that I am not inclined to open myself up again to be bitten by the dog who is a known biter."
Yup Portia, your dog's a biter alright! I don't blame you for wanting to avoid his sharp teeth! Cadet says we should not believe anything a MLCer has to say. But knowing he's lying does not make the mean things hurt less.
It WILL be hard to get to the point where you are sure that if you contact him, you have no expectations of a response, and that no response will not upset you. And even harder, that the wrong response will not hurt you. But it sounds like you are doing great most of the time, and are getting stronger and stronger with no contact! You can hold on another month!
Request -- if my H actually does go spend a week or so at this mom's house, I will have the chance to practice no contact, which will be great for us I think. But knowing me, I will probably be whining and crying and wanting to call and text him 15 times a day. Please help keep me strong, thanks!!
MzJay, sorry to hear you've been feeling sick. I hope you're doing a little better. I'll go check out your thread next, hang in there!
Nothing much to report on my end. Yes, still swinging between contact - yes or contact - no? It seems stange that we have not spoken in two months now. It seems even stranger that at this point last year, he had already begun his relationship with GF and I had no idea. I think a year from BD will be a turning point. No more thinking "at this time last year..." because BD changed everything.
Linda, no contact is difficult but I think it would be good for you for the week. If he contacts you, great, you can answer. But you can practice not contacting him.
One thing that this period of NC has taught me was to rely on myself when I am feeling low. I used to want to contact him so very badly. Now, I can deal on my own.
You ARE strong Portia, but learning to rely on yourself when you feel down must have been REALLY difficult. I admire you so much for that. Is there anything in particular you have found that lifts your spirits?
I think my H really does plan to change his mom's cabinets; they went shopping to look at what's out there. If he goes, I'll follow your advice and try to stick to no contact while he's away, as I agree it would be great for me to step away from the insanity living with a MLCer can bring. I'll get to see all the new different craziness living without our MLCer brings It must be just as hard, just in a different way. I apologize ahead of time for the whiny anxious mess I'll be!
When was your BD? Your SO doesn't have a girlfriend now, does he? I know you feel that you are moving forward at a snail's pace, my friend, but you ARE moving forward, that's the important thing. Even 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards keeps us moving in the right direction!
No need to apologize for anything - we always have the tissue ready around here. Sometimes I just want to howl but the urge is coming less and less these days.
I find a walk or a drive will lift my spirits. A nap with my cat helps, too. I simply try to remember that I am still alive, able to move forward from this and can still make my dreams come true.
I am not sure if my xSO has a GF now. The last time we spoke he was "visiting" his GF again after about a month apart. I realize I should not assume anything but if I had to guess, I would guess that they are back together. I would also guess that they are back together and that plays a big role in why he has not contacted me.
Of course, that is only my guess. But she was going through her divorce and seemed quite needy to me. No less than we all feel when going through a D/S or break up. But instead of focussing on her and her kids, she hooked up with my xSO. And he went back for more as of two months ago.
All of the advice is not to worry about the OP. But it is hard especially because for the MLCers that leave, these are not affairs, they are "relationships".
The embarassing thing is, prior to BD, I never guessed that there was someone else, let alone someone he called his GF.
I so get what you are saying here. My H's OW is now his girlfriend as he has introduced her to our boys that way and I have found out that they share each other's apartments. So not fair.(and funny since we are not divorced, nor has he filed). The NERVE!
I think about that too...when is an affair not an affair and a relationship. IDK!!!
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The embarassing thing is, prior to BD, I never guessed that there was someone else, let alone someone he called his GF.
Yep, yep...UGH!
I am right there with you girl...and the only advice I get from the few I have told...is get a boyfriend.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Plus I have the advantage of having seen my H temporarily go back to his pre-MLC self, so I know he's still in there somewhere, and have the hope that if I wait long enough, it will happen permanently. 
Well, tomorrow is the start of June, so if you stick to Snodderly's suggestion you only have a month to go.