I spent the day with D17 at an out of town cross-country course. It was state champs and she did great.
Got a call from XH while we were there.
After weeks of no calls whatsoever, he rings my mobile to ask if he can pick up his golf clubs. Is in a big hurry to have them. I tell him to come by at 5pm.
He asks where i am - he can hear sports announcements on loud speaker in the background. When i tell him that D17 is running, he is shirty: "You could have told me".
Thought to myself: Well, yes, i suppose i could have. But it's no longer up to me to organise your social life with your children.
Anyway, he comes by the house at 5.15pm. First time in months.
Walks in, kneels down to fondle the dogs and before i could walk past him to get to another room, says: "Would you and the kids like to go out for dinner? We could get pizza."
The moment is etched in my memory.
I picked my jaw of the floor and said Yes.
This, after months and months of refusing to go anywhere with us or even come to the house.
He hasn't even seen the kids for a month or more. The last time I saw him was at our D hearing - and then he took me out to lunch straight after.
Can someone hazard a guess as to what's going on?
We went out to dinner in the restaurant where you have to sit on the pavement where everyone in the village can see you. The one where all the staff, including the owner, know him and us as well (and where he takes OW I would imagine).
He was nice all night and really proud of his new (!!!!!!!) business. He now has a mining company and says it's going to make him a lot of money. Showed us pics of the mine site and gave a spiel about how it he's going to save the environment. Begged the kids to come up to the site with him (5-hr drive away) so they can see it "before' he starts to work on it. Then they can be proud of what he does when he gets his business going. (Sad, isn't it?)
Took us from here to the ice-cream place that we used to frequent as a family and bought us all gelati.
Got out of the car and walked us back to the door when he dropped us home.
Didn't bother to collect his golf clubs. Says he'll come back on the weekend to get them.
Perhaps I just dreamed it all and have gone completely mad.
Oh my, NLW. What a surprise. It sounds like you had a really fun evening. Maybe this is the start of finding a different way to be a family. I sure hope so.
I can't imagine my H ever asking me to go anywhere. So far, he hasn't even been able to make eye contact.
He kept insisting that they tell him when they were playing sport on the weekend so that he could attend.
S14 said he didn't want XH to go. XH said it wasn't up to S14, and he'd be going.
We're now in a bind.
Want to reinforce the "nice' XH, but don't want to facilitate his cake-eating.
Any suggestions, anyone, as to how to proceed.
I have been NC for about 4 weeks prior to this.
What we really want to say is: XH, if you want to be part of our lives, ditch OW and you can come and do things with us. But it's too embarrassing and hurtful for us otherwise.
This is not just my view, the kids have said that they feel this way.
But this is an ultimatum. It's not going to help matters at all. Unclear as to how to go forward without him taking advantage of us again.
One dinner does not give him a guest pass to our lives.
And yet, it might be a step in the right direction. Don't want to squelch any good intentions he has either.
I completely understand how you feel. Since the D is final maybe you could try to do some things together again, without OW of course. This might seem like a crazy statement, but the four of you are still a family, but in a different way. How did you feel you were treated during the outing? That's going to be really important going forward. Think about whether spending time together will start a new friendship. I really believe you all can be close again even if you and xh are just supportive friends. Depending what you ultimately want that could go a long way toward starting a lasting relationship of some kind. It might be too soon. Only you know what you feel comfortable with.
You and your kids have probably become pretty close since bd and now the person who caused all the grief wants to share a part of the new life that you and the kids created. Afterward, he returns to his other life. I can understand why you see that as cake eating. It's also an opportunity for him to see and experience the new you.
I'll be curious about how the weekend goes. In the spirit of DBing, can you treat xh like a friend or neighbor? Please tell me he's not bringing OW.
Hi GM, To answer your question: How did you feel you were treated during the outing?
XH treated me like royalty - encouraging me to eat and drink whatever I wanted, enquiring after my health, validating, standing back to let me through doorways first, chatting sweetly, no sarcasm, no put downs, no woe-is-mes, or anything.
I kept waiting for the bomb to drop. I was sure he was about to tell us that OW is preg or that he's getting Married.
I just don't trust this nice behaviour. We'll wait and see.
At this point in time, I don't want to be his supportive friend in the future - as a long-term thing. It's all or nothing for me.
For now, I am treating him like a new acquaintance. Not saying too much, standing back from his relationship with the kids, and being polite and nice.
But yes, he better not try to bring OW near my kids' school activities.
And, I've been wondering what she would have thought about him taking me and the kids out to dinner so publicly in our shared stomping-ground. Also wondered about this the day our D was granted and he asked me out to lunch straight afterwards.
I think I'd be pis.ing myself with fear, to put it crudely, if I were her.
Your approach makes sense, especially about being cautious. I understand it's pretty common to get caught up in the frenzy of D and then feel a moment of relief (could explain the lunch invitation) which is then followed by regret (may be the reason for sudden interest in the family). My attorney told me that many people who initiated the D seek reconciliation, even after it's finalized. Think about it, life with OP isn't real until they settle into a normal routine. That really can't happen until the D is final. There are no longer distractions and the euphoria of the new, sometimes secret R, starts wearing off. So, is the grass really greener? I don't know - just a thought. I'll be curious to hear how this unfolds.
His grandfather, the kids great-grandfather just passed away.
He was 92 years old and in hospital.
XH wanted to tell the kids, but they were out.
I told him I'd let him tell them, but he said no, i should handle it. He seemed not to want to end the conversation. I have a heavy cold/flu and Xh was very concerned (again, so uncharacteristic).
The kids will be upset. On hearing that their grandfather was in hospital recently, they had wanted to go and visit him - as they'd not seen him for the 2 yrs since their father has been gone.
XH offered to take them, but the kids said they didn't want to go with him. I asked MIL to take them, but I think she thought she would be undercutting XH.
So, the kids didn't see their great-grandfather, and now he's gone.
Just another stupid pointless waste from this whole mess. And more damage to the kids.
I am so sorry to hear the news. What a hard loss for your whole family.
Your story is sad, NLW, and one that is probably quite common when families break up. It does seem that your xh wants to be with you and the kids now. It might be fleeting or lasting. You can't know. If you can, put the past aside and try to see him for who he is today. Let you heart guide you, not your head. It's scary. You could get hurt again. Without egos in the way so much is possible.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take good care.
