It's hard for me to post because I don't like to do it when the kids are around, or H. Pretty good weekend. H was around for a good chunk of it. We actually went out on Saturday night but that was kind of awkward. Later he said he didn't really want to go but went anyway. It was nice that he was around. On Monday he called the kids to see if they wanted to go go cart racing. When he got to the house and saw that I wasn't in the pool (cloudy) he invited me along. We had a great time, laughed a lot with the whole family.
During one of the evenings he told me that the son of one of the guys he works with is getting married. He said "maybe if you're good you can come with me". Not sure what that is supposed to mean but we'll see. I didn't really respond. He took off today so he came over and did a bunch of stuff around the house. i was at work but he stuck around into the evening.
I am starting to see more signs that he is getting more and more out of the fog. I don't ask about OW and he doesn't tell. We have gone through spurts of this in the past while he was with OW so I'm not sure what to think.
The only reason I indicated a willingness to talk about OW was because of some of the things that was said about me. Even OW chimed in. I guess you're right it is a sort of vindication. But the way H talked, even to our kids, is that everything is my fault and how horrible I was to him. Pretty much the same things all LBS hear.
I am trying so hard to be patient and detach. I think anyone that knows me is surprised to know I have hung in as long as I have. I never thought I would be in this position over 3 years later. There are times I see light at the end of the tunnel and other times I wonder if the tunnel ever ends. It is times like those I'm glad to have this place to talk and happy that people like you talk back!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
One weird thing that happened the night we went out. I tried to look real nice when we went out but not over the top. He looked nice too and I told him. He never said anything about me and it kind of hurt my feelings. The opening was there. The night was kind of awkward anyway and when we got home and were talking about things I brought that up. I probably shouldn't have but it did bother me. He said to me that I looked just like I did when I go out with my one friend that just got divorced. I said I do that so you see what you're missing. Probably shouldn't have done that either but it's true!!
I think the longer this goes on the harder it is to keep those kinds of comments in. I know.....patience.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
In any normal context, I would view your H's comment about "being good" as a stipulation to you going to the wedding with him, as being an attempt at humour. If you could take it as negative, I'd ask "why"? What meaning would YOU put on that, that he may not have intended?
Regarding the MLCer blaming everything on the LBS, that is normal of course. What is really important for a LBS to keep in mind is, most people will understand untruths for what they are and also most people would understand that both parties contributed to the problem, even if those same people are willing to validate the untruths in their desire to "help" the MLCer be "happy". You kids will know the truth, even if you don't defend yourself. And any who believe the untruths, probably do not really know you, anyhow.
Of course, I'm not talking about the things that ARE true, that you'd rather people don't know about or judge you by. Which is back to that whole "shame" thing.
On him not commenting on you looking good, I want to point out that he obviously noticed and chose not to say anything. I don't mean he was withholding a compliment, but he appears to notice you looked "the same" (ie. looked good) as you do when you go out with your friend.
Unless he used to tell you how good you looked, the fact that he did not is not really out of character, is it? It's just something that he doesn't do, that you would like him to... yes / no?
Well before about 1/2 hour ago I think we were going to the wedding but some things that just transpired I don't know. The wedding is tomorrow and he acted like we were going to go. Then he took our youngest to the store, again, and bought her all kinds of stuff. Get home to our house (he's still living at his parents) and she wants someone to make her this pasta that takes forever. I tell her I'm not feeling good. I'll make it tomorrow. So he does it for her AFTER she runs her mouth. I also ask her why she hasn't put her stuff away I asked her to do 3 days ago and she runs her mouth again. H doesn't back me up. This is one of our issues from the past. i go upstairs, hurt and he leaves without even saying goodbye.
So I feel like we have taken 2 giant steps back. It really bothers me when he drops in and does all kinds of stuff for the kids then leaves. All I seem to have time to do is keep up with the house and laundry,pick up after them, etc. So why should they listen to me when their dad will do whatever they want? He doesn't live there so they don't have to do anything for him.
This is something that I have talked to MC about and IF we ever begin to work on R it will definitely have to be addressed. But, the old me would have gotten mad and had words. I just went upstairs and got away from the situation.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Unless your H has stated otherwise, you can probably assume that you could still be going to the wedding, together. Although you might want to make some alternative, tentative plans in the event that your H changes his mind.
As far as the kids, your H is being a "disney dad", right now. He gets the "luxury" of not having to deal with day to day. DO NOT disregard the very real fact that, he DOES NOT have regular contact with them. What ever the reason, he could very well feel pained by that reality. So, when he DOES see them, he goes overboard.
While you should not blame your kids... your D15... for her learned behaviour, where they know how to get what they want. Kids WILL do that. Ultimately, D15 (and the other two, if they do or have done that) will likely realize its empty value.
So it looks like we're going to the wedding but he did say that if I am going to complain then he didn't want to. I told him at this time I will talk to MC about my issues with kids. (and him) If we decide to work on M then it will be an issue we will have to work through. All I even said to him was it would be nice for him to back me up when D16 smarts off. Even during S I told D16 that he is her dad and she should talk to him. I felt like that was the right thing to do. Unfortunately he doesn't see it that way where I'm concerned.
Disney Dad is a good name for H. He comes and goes as he pleases and does what they want him to. D16, she just had a birthday, really knows how to play him. She is mad at him a lot so he tries to get on her good side when he can.
The difficult part is I am here day in and day out living with them dealing with their problems etc. I was going to take D21's dog to the groomer this morning because she didn't have time. I told her I needed to leave. She had not fed the dog or let her out yet because she slept in. She blew up at me and said "Ill take her myself". Fine but you know she told H how horrible I am and he will believe her. That was one of our problems in our M. Actually it was a big one.
I think that will have to be discussed during counseling, if we ever do joint but even then she can breach that subject with him alone.
Should be interesting tonight! Keeping my mouth shut about kids and just hope to enjoy myself. Will probably be a few people from his work there and I'm sure me being there will be a surprise. I also think many of them knew about the A.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Went to the wedding last night and it was good. It was good seeing some of the people H works with that I haven't seen because I haven't been around for the Christmas parties or anything else. The people he works with and their spouses seemed genuinely happy to see me and asked how I was.
One of the people who asked how I was and I said good, he said no, really how are you. I said as well as can be expected after finding out about the A. He said he couldn't believe it. Said he was/is very concerned about my h and said he can see signs that he is getting better. Said h stopped going to lunch with all of them and pretty much stopped doing everything he normally did. He said OW is not real well liked there. He also said H has been real moody and very different. But, he said he sees signs of things changing. Said he was very glad to see me there and hopes that I can forgive h but he can understand how difficult it will be.
It was nice to see them make the first effort to talk to me even though I would have. H said that the people he works with understood why he had the A that I had treated him so bad. That is not the impression that I got though. The impression I got is they all think he had lost his marbles but they could have also said that for my benefit.
We had bad weather last night and a tornado touched down not too far from the wedding. Most of the reception was by candlelight and no power. I'm sure it is a wedding the bride and groom will never forget. H was nice the whole night but I went off on my own as did he. I knew probably as many people there as he did. It was nice that he even asked me to go with him. This was the first "event" he has asked me to go to in about 3 years. Hopefully this is the start of many. It was not as awkward as last week when we went out.
Something weird that happened. Last week when we went out it was awkward and h didn't really want to go. He didn't look happy to be there and I said as much. Last night one of the guys he works with said h told me you guys went out last weekend and had alot of fun and apparently h told him all about it. That's just crazy because I would have swore he would have told people just the opposite. Still really hard to understand. Anybody else have this?
I wouldn't say we are in the same place as rh because my h has not committed to trying to make this work. To be honest, I don't know where we are. I still have times when I feel like I'm done, I'm ready to be off this roller coaster, then when things go well I think OK I can hang in there a little longer. But, he still doesn't include himself in stuff. For instance, he doesn't think of this as his house anymore. He does financially but that's it. He always says "yours". Every now and then he will include himself. Is this normal? He still doesn't say anything about wanting to work on things or moving back. He has said he has a lot of work to do on himself and he does. There are a lot of issues we would have to work on. He has said you have been working on yourself the last few years and I (h) have been all drugged up and I need to work on myself. I just wish that we could work on us too!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
No, really. He told everyone that you were horrible, so he had an A. Now he tells everyone you had fun out last week.
He's going to tell people what he wants them to believe, for what ever reasons he's thinking. They will believe that they want to believe, but most likely they will either ignore or see through any lies. As you noted with some of the comments from the peanut gallery at the wedding.
Try not to get too caught up in what your H says, nor what anyone else says. Even if it sounds possible and positive, keep your expectations at zero and your hopes in a box on the shelf.
Things will play out the way they will, just keep working on yourself.
As far as the kids, it is too bad. The kids obviously learned that they can play each of you against yourselves. Again, they may possibly regret it in the future. If the two of you don't R, the kids might even think it is their fault you two D.
Unfortunately, unless you and your H (any couple with kids) can not stand together, even if you don't always agree with each other, in regards to the kids, kids will notice and will play that. It IS one of the biggest problems, along with financial, that Ms break down over.
Again, just keep working on yourself and keep moving forward.
Haven't posted in a while. Just trying to get through this and thought I was doing pretty good until the latest from OW.
She calls me last night and conferences in h. She begins telling me all of their sexual encounters, everything he has bought her and berates me. All while h is sitting on the phone not saying much. Finally I said, h call me when she is not on the phone. The next morning after about 2 hours of sleep she had sent me several text messages. H said some of what she said is not true and of course he didn't say that while on the phone.
One of her texts stated that they went to a hotel after the confession. This part hurts because he lied. He had stated that they would have no more contact except what he had to because of work. MC said none that he will never be able to work on himself when he is still talking to her.
He went to MC today by himself. Don't know how it went but he was ok on phone. I think I got my hopes up since he finally confessed. KD I know what you said but when you have been standing so long.... It just seemed like things were getting better and I got my hopes up. He did tell me that he told MC that he can really tell that I have been working on myself. Old me would have blown up but I stayed very calm. I even shocked myself.
Now I feel like I have been kicked when I'm already down. I do think after this last episode he and OW are really done. H said, and not that I feel like I can believe him, that he cut it off again and she was very hurt and this is her way of hurting him back. Not sure if I believe it or not. I believed a lot of what he said along the way and they have turned out to be all lies.
I will say that he seems to be following the pattern of mlc and hasn't really missed a beat. Old H is nothing like this H. I am seeing glimpses of old H or new H I think. He said to me "I am so messed up. I can't believe what I got myself in to. I got caught up and it turned in to a vicious circle I couldn't seem to stop". Has anyone ever heard that? Old h cared about what his parents thought and I know he has really disappointed them. They have been married 66 years and mil said she had OW pegged from the beginning. It probably helps that I always got along really well with mil and fil. She told me that she can see that h is down about what he has done. They talked this morning she said. I guess if h is moving along in his mlc he will care what she says?
What I don't understand is even last month he said he started thinking about the kids and realized he needed to fix himself. Then he goes off and does it again. Even last month he said he couldn't believe what he had done.
Patience has never been easy for me and I am empty. He has now admitted to the affair being 3 years which is what I always thought anyway but I think they were talking before that. So, I have been at this quite a while and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I just don't know if I can do this any longer.
This came out really random. My brain is fried and I am emotionally drained today.
I know, I completely failed at db here. I'm so lost!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
oh you poor thing, you shouldn't have to deal with stuff like that from OW. You deserve a huge pat on the back for handling it like a champ, regardless.
No one would blame you if you decided to give up. Still, I certainly hope you can hold out for a while more.
While it is painful, there are a number of important things to consider here, that kinda line up.
First, your H is most likely MLC and as such, is confused. But not so confused that he doesn't notice your positive changes.
Also, your positive changes are certainly affecting OW and will likely cause her to (hopefully, literally) implode and destroy the R with your H. She's trying to control him, he notices your positive changes. She's belittling you and dragging him into it, yet he obviously doesn't want to hurt you as he's contradicting things OW is saying not least of which is likely because at least some of what OW is saying is not true. And your H has not filed, at this point.
If you can hold out a little longer, I think you could find OW out of the picture, soon enough. That said, if it really comes down to it, you can probably get a restraining order against OW.
That said, no one is the same after a transition and no one is the same after MLC. While LBS can hope to get their pre-MLCer back, there will be changes, sometimes subtle and sometimes profound.
Keep doing what you are doing. It is difficult and may not get better or easier for a while, yet. Although eventually it will. That said, what you are doing IS working.
How do you think you could make some slight changes to what you are doing, either in regard to GALing or 180s?
He told everyone that you were horrible, so he had an A. Now he tells everyone you had fun out last week.