Taking My Space - Giving Spouse Theirs

[RealityTrip]

My mother. An absolute relational issue for me my entire life. I mentioned in one of my earlier threads that she is also a LBS. My father was a serial cheater and left us permanantly when I was 6. My mother never recovered. She became verbally and emotionally abusive and I unknowingly at the time, graduated from her tutelage in manipulation, control, codependency, and passive aggressive techique.

As an adult now, going through all of this and examining myself in my marriage, I see all of that. I'm working on it. And having to deal with my mother through all of it has proven an entirely different kind of test in my patience and understanding.

We had a good talk a few weeks ago but now she has reverted back to her usual ways. She is 110% unsupportive of me saving my marriage. And the sad part is, I know it comes from some love, but I think mostly it's selfish. My mom is disabled and living with my younger sister. My sister has been a single mom and they is a sense needed each other. Now my younger sister is engaged to be married and join my older sister and I as married women. I think my mom sees the demise of my marriage as a open door to have a child that is single that she can live with. Don't get me wrong. My younger sister has not asked nor would ever ask my mother to leave, but mom doesn't like living wih her and her fiance.

I never intended for my mother to find out about my W's A. My older sister told her against my wishes. My mother is very good at making someone tell her things. And superb at using it against them later.

If my W and I reconcile, my mother will never accept it. This is a harsh reality and causes me great pain. I am the one who was betrayed. This is my marriage and my choice to stay in it or not. Why do people around us think they can have any say in it at all? ... Here I am getting upset that someone is trying to tell me what to do, how to think, how I should feel. I am accountble for doing this to my wife during our marriage. I learned it from my mother.

[RealityTrip]

JP, Pro, and InIt, Thanks for listening and encouraging me. I am so blessed to have support from everyone on this forum.

[JuneReN]

Hey RT, Bug said "Why borrow trouble?" She was referring to the future and the what ifs...

I love that and use that mantra (am using it right now as I am having BIG anger issues out of nowhere...okay, not out of nowhere, but really, I digress)

I try to live in the present. Can you really say your Mom will not accept it? Would you have said a year ago, that you would be the person you are today?

Also, you are responsible for you. You saw what you were and you changed it. The past has to be let go too.

[needgrace]

hi RT,

sorry i have not been around... have been processing my own stuff and needed a break. thank you for the suggestion on volunteering, i looked into our local aquarium (sounded so fun) but right now all they need are divers to feed the fish in the exhibits... and i am not a diver, at least not yet

i think you are doing so well with W and setting boundaries. very very tough stuff and you have been amazing. so inspiring.

and it sounds like you are working so so hard to understand your patterns and how they relate to your mom.. we develop those behaviors to protect our soft vulnerable sides..i was initially so angry with myself for all of those maladaptive defenses which harmed my M... i have learned to be gentler with myself and paradoxically that has helped me let go more of my defenses..

hope you are allowing yourself some space to feel and release some of your feelings. i know that i went from book to book, seeking to change/grow as a way to avoid sometimes.... i can tend to stay in my head and not allow my heart space to feel.. not sure if that resonates for you..

i am thinking that, with all the strength that you have displayed here..that your thoughts about your mom are creating space for awareness right now.. and that they will evolve with time and attention to teach you so much about yourself.

i guess i am saying and could have said in so many fewer words... i think that you are on the right path RT

[RealityTrip]

I'm fighting calling her today. What is it about being in the car? My brain goes into super warp drive. I was reasoning with myself that I really needed to call her and remind her to "apply for that job", to "call and make the dentist appt". Then I played in my head how I would feel after I called... like a needy, excuse making, nagging wife. So instead I called my mom, then my sister, then my dad... to say hello to all of them on my way back to the office.

It worked. I didn't call my W. If she's going to be unemployed or lose her teeth, I can't stop her.

Breathing, breathing, breathing... venting to the forum. Not contacting the W. Back to work...

[makingmagic]

WTG RT!!! good DB'ing!!

[in_it]

How are you RealityTrip? I was thinking of you this morning. Hope all is well.

[RealityTrip]

Hi In_It. Took a couple of days away/. I've been depressed. Now I'm cycling anger. I wouldn't call it anger... I'd call it p*ssed off! No particular reasons. Nothing happened with the W. But for some reason I am super freaking mad at her. I think it's because I have so many balls to juggle. Myself, my health, my job, our home, our taxes, getting ready for school, friends, family, pets... etc. And then I think about her. She is up at her brother's, (he opened up his lake place for the season) she is there. Going out on the boat, grilling out, drinkng beer, hanging with cool people... ALL WEEK. She literally could stay on this perpetual vacation with zero responsibility until the end of the summer if she wanted to.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed with grown-up stuff and jealous that she is on a permanent "hall pass". I doubt she is even looking for a J-O-B! Grrrrrrrrrrr!

She used to be so focused and driven, accountable and accomplished. I'm trying to understand her diagnosis of clinical depression and the meds, and the affair guilt, and the possible MLC. I really am. I'm tired. Where is MY wife?

Started reading Pia Mellody last night. (thx SD) Interesting stuff! I'm sure I'll have plenty to process here on that later!

[RealityTrip]

At lunch today I clicked on the tv. Young & the Restless. It's been a while since I've seen that old soap. I caught Lauren, who cheated in an affair on her husband Michael, begging him to forgive her and work out their marriage. Michael just can't get past it. He's filing for divorce.

JOURNAL: Sometimes I wonder what the F* I am doing. My W cheated. A longterm A. Not a drunken mistep. A full on relationship. She said "I love you" to this person. I have heard it and seen it in emails and texts. I repeat... I walked in once and HEARD my W say "I love you too" to her AP. Just before I drove my W to the hospital for surgery and nursed her back to health. So again, sometimes I think of these things and I say to myself... "What the H*ll RT!!!" She should be begging me not to D. It's one of those days. What am I doing?... That freaking love/commitment/marriage thing.

I better get a flipping trip to DisneyLand when all is said and done!!!

[RealityTrip]

WHAT DO I DO????????? After my day of anger, I am tested. I just received an email from my W. I am going to paraphrase it below. But the snippets I will use are her words. I have no idea how to proceed. She put the word "Honesty" in the subject line.

"First of all let me tell you that I love you. This is not a goodbye letter!"
"I am trying to dig myself out... My life is in a shambles"
"I am searching for me. I am not always doing what's best for me."
"I am still in contact with AP. I seem to get reeled back in and whenever I let her back in we argue and I ask myself, what the F*ck am I doing?"
"When I am with you I enjoy our time. My guilt and shame get in the way of my progress in any manner. I have never been so low in my life. I see your pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I feel like I mislead you at times as to where I am with us.
"I am still very confused and can't be completely done with AP and I can't let you go."
"I want to be honest with you. I am going to spend time with her. I don't know how long. I don't feel good about the visit for some reason but I am going to find out."
"I am afraid to be completely honest in this email because I'm afraid it could come back to bite me if you choose to send AP a copy."
"I don't think my future is with AP. She is too emotional and she knows I have not completely let you go."
"I can't ask you to wait much longer. You are not second choice. This is about ending something and beginning something. I need to rectify this and that is what I plan on doing."
"You have been so patient and understanding while I have been navigating. I deserve whatever you choose to give me."
"If me spending a few days with her is a deal breaker for us, I will be heartbroken but that is what I deserve."
"Please forgive me. You are probably spent with forgiveness and I would understand. I promise to call you soon."
"I love you... always and forever, WAW"
"P.S...I am sorry I am not strong enough to call you with my voice and say what I am doing. I just can't bare to hear the pain in your voice knowing I am the cause of it. xoxo"

At the end she says, "If you want to respond to this email, please do so."

Now what? This is when I really wish I could afford a DB coach. I am trying not to get emotional and trying not to read between the lines. Please let me know what you read. I really could use some advice. (((((hugging myself)))))