things went south

[BC39]

AS, man its nice to hear from you As of a week ago everything seemed to be going fine....this [censored].

When you say you want to "take" the "power to make the decisions", that sounds like control to me. If changes/ 180's are rekindling your W's interest, then don't revert to old habits now. Keep showing her the changed you. Show her loving patience. Show her you want to work through this as a team, not as someone who wants to tell her what to do and try to control things.

"power" was poor choice of words, "assertive" would have been better. I've just been much more passive than I normally am for a while, which obviously hasn't helped because I'm here.

I revert back to October when she slipped up, I basically told her I needed to take a step back from the marriage and she had "awakening". Its the one time in the last year she responded like that.

[BC39]

Another thing I'm confused about:

2 weekends ago W went up with her sister to tell her parents that her sister and her husband were spitting up. They're each 30 and have been married 5 years, with 2 young kids. Her sister is splitting up with her husband because she has the exact same feelings as my W (lost attraction).

So afterward when W came back to house I asked her point blank "does your sister doing this make you now want to do it to?". She said no, she was glad that she came back in June after a month separation to work on our marriage. Then I said "well how do think things are going now?" She said "good, I think were still "trying", but things are good"

That was 2 weeks ago?????

[BC39]

Really struggling, just waiting to break.

Waking up the last few mornings alone, getting the kids D7 S5 ready for school. Staying strong for the kids is so difficult. Just looking at their innocent beautiful faces knowing they have no idea whats going on just breaks my heart. They will be literally crushed if this marriage ends.

I'm just so confused. Everything was going great. Then we got that text Monday night from OMW and W reverts back to "things aren't going well, I'm still not attracted to you". Its almost like she's running away because of possible guilt and fear. It reminds me of time of BD. I found out she had kissed another man, a week later I suspected it was our mutual friend so I asked her. She denied it but immediately told me her feelings for me had changed. Then a week later when I caught her texting him and found our it actually was our mutual friend she immediately gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and said she thought we should separate.

Haven't had any serious talk with W since Monday night when I told her "to go". She's slept at our mutual best friends across the street the last few nights and working from home thru the day. We've seen each other a couple times coming and leaving house. She asks me how I am, if there's anything should could do for me, asks me for a hug etc.

I was hoping to give her some time and space to collect her thoughts. At this point she may be checked out but I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I should have the talk with her about what she wants now or if I should give it more time. Her best friend who she's been sleeping at is also a very close friend of mine. She's also confused how we got back hear and shares my concerns. She doesn't think W has tried hard enough and we should give it more time. I'm not sure how much of that she's saying to my W. To make matters even more complicated my W sister is/was married to this same best friends brother. And W best friend is not happy that she didn't try harder as well. They have 2 little kids (so my W and my W best friend share a niece and nephew).

W is now at her sisters all weekend. Her 30 year old sister who just left her husband because she just wasn't attracted to him anymore. UGGHHH.

No idea what to do, what to say or when to say it.

I just want my wife back. I want to wake up from this bad dream.

[BC39]

Everything points to the fact that despite everything she has in her life Hypergamy and Entitlement are controlling her ship right now.

I'm not sure how to stop that.

I have to assume that she still has some dopamine running through her veins from last years EA and this is whats driving her to explore what else may be out there.

OM is out of the picture long ago, I spoke to his wife to confirm, so that isn't a driving force.

Its hard to fathom my W may choose to split up our family to live on her own with no current job or car than to try to work on her feelings that she admitted she hasn't really worked on.

[BC39]

Everything points to the fact that despite everything she has in her life Hypergamy and Entitlement are controlling her ship right now.

I'm not sure how to stop that.

I have to assume that she still has some dopamine running through her veins from last years EA and this is whats driving her to explore what else may be out there.

OM is out of the picture long ago, I spoke to his wife to confirm, so that isn't a driving force.

Its hard to fathom my W may choose to split up our family to live on her own with no current job or car than to try to work on her feelings that she admitted she hasn't really worked on.

[BC39]

anyone out there????

Please excuse my neediness...

[reb9597]

hey there, sorry I haven't read your old threads but caught up on recent situation. I'm not a vet and am nowhere near where you've been but the false r is a realistic fear. And I agree that there's too much empathy towards your sis-in-law's recent separation. But if your wife is in a state of confusion right now, it seems like you need to work on detaching again. It's understandable you're hurt and disappointed, but isn't that supposed to be part of the growth you learned the first time around? How to manage and control yourself without letting your WAS set your world off kilter? Easier said than done, but that's the ultimate goal I think. Hang in there!

[MrBond]

"Then we got that text Monday night from OMW and W reverts back to "things aren't going well, I'm still not attracted to you". Its almost like she's running away because of possible guilt and fear."

It's a little of that AND the fact that you confronted her about it. You seem to pass it off like it wasn't a big deal, when it's big to her. She's still in the phase of not knowing what she wants. So she's trying any option EXCEPT one that includes you.You are going to have to hold off on accusing her or confronting her about anything because that's when her guard shoots back up again.

"It reminds me of time of BD. I found out she had kissed another man, a week later I suspected it was our mutual friend so I asked her. She denied it but immediately told me her feelings for me had changed. Then a week later when I caught her texting him and found our it actually was our mutual friend she immediately gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and said she thought we should separate."

It's the same thing here. You have to get her to "trust" you again which means making herself vulnerable. Once she feels comfortable with you again, she'll open up.

"Haven't had any serious talk with W since Monday night when I told her "to go"."

And that's why her shields shot back up.

"She asks me how I am, if there's anything should could do for me, asks me for a hug etc."

Don't do it. She's temperature checking. Be strong.

"At this point she may be checked out but I'm not sure."

It doesn't sound like it, but she's trying to get a reaction from you to be sure that YOU are still there.

"I'm not sure if I should have the talk with her about what she wants now or if I should give it more time."

Don't think of it as giving her time. Just live your life.

"She doesn't think W has tried hard enough and we should give it more time. I'm not sure how much of that she's saying to my W."

Be careful about this. The WAS will usually have alot of things to say to make the LBS look like a horrible person to anyone who listens.

"W is now at her sisters all weekend. Her 30 year old sister who just left her husband because she just wasn't attracted to him anymore. UGGHHH."

There's nothing you can do about this. Just continue to act like the best father possible and SHOW your W you're not the man she thought or thinks you are.

[lovethehub]

"Then we got that text Monday night from OMW and W reverts back to "things aren't going well, I'm still not attracted to you". Its almost like she's running away because of possible guilt and fear."

It's a little of that AND the fact that you confronted her about it. You seem to pass it off like it wasn't a big deal, when it's big to her. She's still in the phase of not knowing what she wants. So she's trying any option EXCEPT one that includes you.You are going to have to hold off on accusing her or confronting her about anything because that's when her guard shoots back up again.

Absolutely true. SHE thought things were going okay, too, and then you confronted her about the OMW's text and she is most likely thinking "He will never let it go. It will never be any different", or something similar.

"Haven't had any serious talk with W since Monday night when I told her "to go"."

You are upset about something that happened in the past and you told her to leave because of it.

"W is now at her sisters all weekend. Her 30 year old sister who just left her husband because she just wasn't attracted to him anymore. UGGHHH."

She is only going to leave if she wants to leave, not because someone else left there marriage. If she wants to, she may see this as her "permission" to do so, if she doesn't, it will not impact her decision.

[fade]

This is based purely on my observations, but it seems like infidelity and WAW syndrome move through female social circles like a contagion. In my experience when I have have a female client who just walked out or cheated on her husband, in the vast, vast majority of cased one or more of her best friends, sisters, mother or daughter either just did the same, or is about to. I would say that the odds that your sister in law has had an EA or PA are extremely high.

Where I would apply this to your situation is that the more your wife communicates with her sister about their situations, the more they will likely encourage and reinforce each other to move away from their respective marriages. This is often called "toxic-friends". In my experience as long as a woman has either a close toxic friend or an OM they will continue to distance from their husband no matter what he does. Only when they lose this support/motivation do they seem amenable to working on their marriages. Obviously your wife and her sister will always be sisters, so unfortunately it is unlikely that they will lose each other's support anytime soon.

Granted, I am more of an expert at ending marriages than saving them, but I don't think there is much you can do about your wife's feelings for the time being other than the 180, making yourself generally more attractive, not doing anything to help her separate from you, and just wait things out.