I still want to fight for my marriage, but she might say she done and I'm scared as hell for that.
Then don't pressure her with that talk right now. SHE will come to YOU when she's ready to have that discussion.
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One of my thoughts yesterday was to tell her I'm letting her go. Then hoping she re-acts like she did in October and have another awakening. My fear is that I push her away forever.
You absolutely CANNOT tell her you're letting her go when you have expectations like that (hoping for some kind of reaction). Because if you have expectations, then you are NOT letting go. And when you say you're letting go and you don't, then it sends the wrong message. It comes across as some kind of desperate tactic to change the sitch. When you truly let go, you do it for YOU. You do it because you realize you can't control your W, you can't have any expectations that she'll ever come back and you are prepared to live your life without her. Forever. THAT is letting go, and it sounds to me like you're not there yet.
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I would like to be the one takes the power to make the decisions at this point but how do I word this conversation with her when still want her to stay?
If you were controlling and manipulative in your M and that is part of what drove your W away, then when you're on the verge of piecing the LAST thing you want to engage in is "more of the same" behavior. I went back and read some of your early posts and it does sound to me like this may have been an issue for you (especially all the snooping and confronting, that smacks of control). When you say you want to "take" the "power to make the decisions", that sounds like control to me. If changes/ 180's are rekindling your W's interest, then don't revert to old habits now. Keep showing her the changed you. Show her loving patience. Show her you want to work through this as a team, not as someone who wants to tell her what to do and try to control things.
