He and I remain in the same house. She lives on the mainland now. I feel like his pretend wife, as he and I still function in our old roles of him doing certain work outside, me doing certain work inside.
He flys out to see her every couple months. I wish the house would sell. I have come to realize this
And of course as time passes my rose colored glasses have come off. I see how he has always been an emotionally detached man, giving me crumbs to live on. And as been explained and is becoming clear, I deserve the whole sandwich!
I am working full time now. I work with wonderful people who seem to care about me. I don't have a man in my life. But they have been seemingly coming out of the woodwork this past few weeks, and I have had a few nice little dates. Just patiently waiting to see if any of those go anywhere.
I really did quit talking to my X unless it was about coordinating a house, kid or grandkid matter. I view him like a ghost. He is around, but of not much use to me. I need want a living breathing man who cares for me and wants me around for something other than ensuring there are things to eat in the house......
Hang in there! And learn to meditate, that was the best thing I did for myself!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, That must be really difficult. How can a person get on with a new life while living in the past!? I understand why you have to do this but you must be a Saint to do that.
It's good to hear that men seem to be coming out of the wood work lately and that you've been doing a little socializing with them. If nothing else it gets you out and meeting new people, right? I found your comment about needing/wanting a breathing man who wants more than to know what's to eat! I've been cooking for one most days but somehow he seems to find his way to the kitchen and dining room about the time that I sit down to eat. I feel bad for not cooking for him in some ways but he needs to know what life will be like when he moves out. Unless the ow comes to live with him (and learns how to cook), he'll be eating at restaurants or living on ice cream and coffee. LOL
Last night just as I pulled my dinner out of the oven he comes and sit down at the dining room table. He says, "Can I ask you something? I knew it was going to be something crazy because lately, when he says that I know it's going to something to either laugh at or get angry about.
Me: No comment, just look at him.
H: What are you going to do after I move? Are you going to date or find someone to live with you?
Me: (I'm sure I had a perplexed look on my fact) No, I don't think so.
H: Well, what are you going to do with yourself then?
Me: I'm going to continue to keep busy as I always have. Might try a few new hobbies but I have plenty to do as it is. Do you think I should be dating?
H: Oh. NO, I'm just wondering..............
Can't decide if he was fishing for something or just curious. Guess it doesn't matter, does it. They say the damnest things, don't they? LOL
I've had this strange sense that something else is going to happen. Maybe another BD. I wouldn't be surprised if just before or after he moves out that he'll file for separation. I just get this sense that something is happening. He's hot and cold, here and gone and seems to be getting deeper into whatever it is that's driving him to leave. It may be that the s!ut woman is moving here, it might be that he's questioning his decision.
He left his writing journal open on his desk and I took a peek at the page he had it open to. My eyes were drawn to a comment that he made. He actually wrote the question down, "How do I feel about leaving?" He wrote only two words in response to his own question. "Confused ?, excited !" So which is it bud? Only he knows but I vote for confused as he's been doing confusing things lately. He has lost all sense of time and days of the week. He seems to put one foot in front of the other most days yet has those days that he's truly exciited. Those "excited" days usually involve ordering things for our current house and the days that they are delivered. Like yesterday when 2 bowls that match our dinnerware showed up. He seems to need "new/different" to be happy.
He's on his way into the house so I'll post this and write more later.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
H: What are you going to do after I move? Are you going to date or find someone to live with you?
Me: (I'm sure I had a perplexed look on my fact) No, I don't think so.
Wrong answer!!!!! Why not just tell him "go ahead honey and have your fantasy affair, and I'll be sitting here waiting for you as your plan B if you ever change your mind"!!!!
A better answer would have been "I'm going to invite the entire local rugby team to live with me" or "I'm hoping for a tall dark and handsome room mate" or "What I do after you leave is no business of yours" or "Well, you know I'm a woman with a high drive, so I expect there will be some men involved".
ANYTHING other than what you said.
As for him being confused and excited - yes, he's excited about the novelty of the new relationship - and confused because he still wants you there waiting for him.
kml, You're right, I should have said anything but what I said but he shocked me with his question. I can be extremely sarcastic which at times isn't good. I wanted to stay away from that but hell, why not. I don't want to sound angry when I respond to his idiotic questions. You see, I just don't know what to say in those situations so I say something that I think is "safe".
I'll be prepared if he asks me something off the wall like that again.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I disagree. Why make it complicated by concocting all kinds of possible responses? I like that you responded with the truth. I believe in speaking from your heart not your mind (many of my posts state that approach). Egotistical, sarcastic words hurt people, including yourself. Why do that? What you said was honest and respectable. You will not promote cake eating if you hold yourself in high regard and set boundaries. I guess you need to ask yourself, what kind of woman do you want to be?
I think there isn't a good answer to his questions. Maybe next time ask him what he thinks you will do? And also ask him what he thinks you do now. I am fully of the opinion that my X doesn't have a clue what I do unless he directly sees me do it.
Keep taking care of yourself.........
I also suffer from the sarcasm disease. Really hard to control sometimes. Harder still when our grown adult husbands revert to acting like 8th graders!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thanks for the responses! I have a hard time with anything that isn't the truth or at least a form of the truth. Responding with a question would be easy for me, responding with humor would be what he would expect...either that or the truth. He knows me too well and in fact probably knew what my answer would be. I do want to respond differently than he expects in some way but don't want to be dishonest either. I sound just as confused as he does, don't I? LOL!
In the past he's never asked a question without a motive. He's a "thinker" and for the most part a very communicative man compared to most. He doesn't shy away from telling or wanting to know the truth about anything. I'm the same way and that is why he is so "proud" of himself that he's told me the truth about the OW....says he couldn't live with himself if he didn't. Well, I ask, How can he live with himself by doing what he's doing with the OW not to mention how he's disrespected me!!!!
We had one of our daughter's over for dinner tonight and had a very pleasant evening. He's once again acting as if everything is as it should be and that the our future is as solid as a rock. I know it's just a matter of weeks before he moves out yet he insisted on buying enough food, wine and champagne to last for months when we went shopping today. How can a person that has been so logical and stable all of his life do such illogical things and crazy things? I guess that's the $20,000 question that we all have here. I think I need to do a bit more reading on MLC.
Thanks again for all of your responses. I'm looking forward to the time when I can sit and read up on all of your situations and post on your threads. Until then, I will keep you all in my thoughts.
Keep smiling, find the positive in everything, take care of yourself first and keep standing for your marriage.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
If responding to questions in a humorous way is natural for you, then do it. Humor can lighten the moment, but it can also hurt others if used in the wrong way. Only you know what you intend when you respond. If you don't have an answer, then say that. Or say you need time to think about the question. Maybe your H isn't entitled to an answer so say you don't want to share your plans.
Put your energy into choosing the person that you want to be. Grow into that person. Focus on staying the course. If you do that I truly believe you will get to the other side of this feeling good about you. You will feel proud of the way you handled yourself. You won't live with regret. If you deliver flip, sarcastic responses you are only hurting yourself. To be loving toward others is to love ourselves. It's hard, I know. I'm in a very difficult situation myself. But I will tell you this, at no time have I felt bad about myself, taken advantage of, etc. when I respond to my H in a thoughtful, loving way, even when he's hurling spew at me. When I have responded differently I am left feeling bad, knowing that I did not honor myself. You will not always choose the right action, but keep trying. You will get through this.
"Our" new house closed today. Too bad only one of us is moving! Glad it's not me. LOL
He's beginning to pack some things. You'll all love this. Instead of using moving boxes, he's using paper bags! He's in a tizzy now, not sure what to take or what he might need. This could be very entertaining. I get the feeling that he thinks he will still have total access to the house and will take things "bag by bag" as needed. Won't he be surprised when he finds that his key won't work in the door after Wednesday. It's a very good thing that the sellers left a good deal of their (beautiful) furniture. I may go over and take a few things from the new house and bring them back here. After all, it is half mine, right?
Hey Snodderly, are you craving popcorn this afternoon? I've got a fresh bowl and a good spot for viewing my h's craziness.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
