Still need help here. Met with new therapist yesterday, she's up on db principals and is pro marriage. But I'm getting mixed advice on the whole acknowledging H's unfriending OW situation still - please could use some direct opinions.
She says to not be ruled by fear and addressing/molding new R based on honesty and directness. In relation to unfriending OW, I expressed that I am very appreciative and it seems anti-db to acknowledge OW at all, but I'm so grateful that it also feels insincere to ignore it. IC suggested addressing issue at MC next week, saying something like 'I've felt more trusting to you lately. I noticed you unfriended OW. Did you do that only for dds or a little for me too?'
My reaction was, 'no way!' That's when IC suggested I was allowing fear to prevent honest communication. BUT the other side of the DB dynamic seems that that is attacking, adding pressure, demanding an answer. Or maybe I'm too scared of the answer.
re: last post, d15 confided H told her on Saturday that he's not with OW and deleted her from online stuff. d15 says 'yeah, but you're still texting her' (have to admit, proud of d15 for being strong!). d15 was vague with words and I didn't pry but H gave impression that he not longer was or was stopping texting ow. idk.
Based on intro from d15, I've decided I will bring it up at MC this week. But just from my perspective, d15 told me these actions and I just wanted you to know I really appreciate it.
It has been very difficult to stay focused on myself dealing with busy busy life revolving around kids. This includes more interaction with H, more co-parenting. Leaves us with a lot of communication that seems positive. I feel like a lot of our relationship is returning to the way it was before, focused on kids. I feel a little lost as to how to rebuild anything different and I get the impression H has the same feeling.
I think I'm going to bring up in MC this week. After we've exhausted the topic of H repairing R with dds, we're kind of stuck on what the next step is.
Hi Reb, Just caught up with your sitch, I think if your H has dealt with the issue of OW with D15 then you don't need to go there. He has not recommitted to your M, so I don't believe you have a right to expect certain behaviour from him. I guess if you are sensing that your H is looking for more out of the R with you, then it may very well be a good time to raise it in MC. Your C seems to working on the R with DD's and needs to know how to direct the session based on reconciling the M. I guess you will know soon enough, if your H is ready to take this step, but often our gut feelings are right.
This is my brain flip flopping. okay I think I agree, it's not about me at this point so I'm not bringing it up (online unfriending).
But do you guys think that, after 4 MC appts exhausting the topic of H's relationship with dds, it is applying pressure by asking for some clarity? I'd like to know, what would be the next step here? If we were to want to establish new relationship, what would that process look like? Because truthfully I'm stumped. We're sliding back into our comfy co-parenting relationship and that's not the future I want with H. Well, that's not the ONLY future I want. (recognizing that I can't control H. but I really get the impression that he's equally stuck.)
Question...do you need clarity from him to make your decision on what to do next?
More like, I don't know what to do without clarity. It's not just me. H said last weekend that the MC was frustrating, 'he doesn't like to talk about emotions and all I do is sit there'. He's right, the process is difficult and I really questioned what I was doing there last time because it had nothing to do with our M. I was just being used as the voice of dds.
Then there's the cake eating aspect. I understand how it would be a difficult transition for H to find his role in family again, but he has reverted to old familiarity with dds, assumptions, parenting, that he hasn't earned. Dds think he's full of sh!t and he acts like father of the year. H's learned the steps in therapy he needs to do to earn trust and respect for dds but he's waiting it out, which makes it seem like it's not his priority. Which leads back to, why are we showing up at MC spending time on his parenting when he doesn't apply the lessons? And I don't care anymore. That's a plus, I'm working to not parent his parenting and I truly can let that go.
Will it change my DB? Not really, I still don't want a D. But I need to know what my purpose or goal is here. DB coach recommended last week that I restate my initial said desire to work on M (when MC asked what our goals with therapy were), to stating that I would like to keep heart open to H but I know I can't work on M on my own. And that's what I'm doing. That's where I feel I need the clarity.
I think you have more clarity about H than you might wish. You can observe that he's not working on the marriage, you see him not doing the things suggested in MC. Perhaps you're hoping that asking him to verbalize that he does want to work on the marriage will change his behavior? I would say the clarity you need is your own clarity: what are your boundaries and how do you maintain them?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I guess I should have asked who you need clarity from. So who, MC or H?
but he has reverted to old familiarity with dds, assumptions, parenting, that he hasn't earned.
What are the rules for earning these things?
There's a lot of judgment in your post. Do you see that? You also have a timeline but you have to remember that it;s your timeline, no one else's. People make changes at the rate they do, youhave no control over that.
As difficult as it is, sometimes you just have to wait and see.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
