Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

I hear you AJ. My goal is to have him through this so he has a lifestyle that is a better example to the kids and that he is a dedicated and devoted father. It's been awhile since I've had the goal of him getting through this so we can work on our marriage. That just doesn't seem realistic anymore to me.

I feel he is hiding something major from me. To have him say if it was just a couple of affairs we could work through it, and then to back peddle and say that's all there is...doesn't seem right. He missed his night with the kids again and no call. I had them call for bedtime. He just said he had been driving around. I don't believe him. He talked about he wanted to see a tv show and I asked him if he wanted to come watch it and he said no. He wouldn't be able to get his mind off of "it." Huh? Any further questioning from me just leads to him saying we are going back to how things were and me analyzing him. He says he will tell me but not now.

The not knowing is worse than the knowing. Something came to my mind and it felt right. Total clarity. If this is it, then it is worse that cheating. I can't shake it.

He was starting to be open and honest with me again and now he has shut down and I can't trust him. Not that he is outright lying, but looking for loop holes and not telling the whole story. I hate that this is bothering me so much and I just want to ask him. Especially now with him moving back in. I should know what is going on.

I don't think of him as a victim. He is capable of stopping this at anytime and getting help. I'm angry that I'm in this situation. That he didn't just divorce me and then I wouldn't feel like I needed to know. Blah. I probably would, right?

I'm in this hard place of wanting him to hit rock bottom and for him to be responsible vs wanting to bail him out and wanting the kids to have time with him. He said that he would help out around the house and I just said spend time with the kids. They need you and no one can replace you. If he had said he wanted to come back because he loved me and wanted to work on us, it would be easy to say no. Because he wants to come back because he is helpless and destitute, it's hard to say no.

I don't know where he is with all the OW. I would be very surprised if he tried to carry any of that on while here. That may be the determining factor of how long he lasts.

He said last night that while I was away he missed me, missed the kids. He kept wanting to text me but didn't want to bug me.

I read how hard MLC is to go through. But you just never know until you're in it. You can gal, pma, put it out of your mind, but it keeps coming back. And I know I have the power to stop it for good, but that isn't me. That isn't who I am at my core. I'm not a quitter. I finish it even when it's pointless to do so.