Corrie, Thanks for the suggestions. Sometimes one is so close to the situation that one can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
I have tried in the past to ask for hugs/kisses, etc but sometimes it gets old to have to ask for basic affection. Last night we actually went to bed at the same time. We had had a very nice evening - we attended a school fun night for our daughter and participated in the events so everyone was a happy camper.
When we got in bed I ask him to come lay close to me. I did not ask to ML or cuddle. Just come lay close to me. A very basic request. It was not hot in the bedroom - in fact it was downright cold - so getting too hot was not a problem. Of course he says, "I'm right here" which is really over there and I said something to the effect that it won't hurt to come lay by me. He finally moved over by me in the middle of the bed. I lay there for a second and thought "hey - maybe I am putting pressure on him that he doesn't want or maybe I don't want to lay by someone who is so not interested in laying by me". So I moved over to my side of the bed.
That is when we had a very interesting exchange. He asked me why I moved over and I said, "Because it always feels like it is a strain for you to lay by me and quite frankly, I don't want to put you out." That is when he got somewhat annoyed with the "oh here we go again". He said he was just teasing me and that he'd done that all of our married life and it was just a game.
I said, "Did it ever occur to you that I don't like to play that game? It make me feel less than wonderful so I find NO pleasure in your game."
He said that we are both very different people and that we react differently to things. I said that I was well aware of that but that his actions brought unpleasant feelings to me.
It went back and forth with a you did this and I did that kind of dialog. At one point he said that I had always said that he made me feel like I had always come up short of pleasing him (not sexually but in everything else) and that he felt the same way - that he felt like he came up short in the affection department with me.
I told him that I felt I gave him 110% in the affection area and he gave me maybe 10%. I said it is ironic that you maybe need 5% to get by I and I need at least 75% to get by. You have way more than you are even interested in and I am starving for your affection.
I told him that he had no conception of what it is like to have me turn away from him when he wanted to hug or kiss me. I said how would you have felt all these years if I turned away from you? He said he would not have liked it or put up with it. (Isn't that special?) He also said, You just turned away from me now!
What an epiphany! I said, "so you didn't like that? It didn't feel so good?" I said that it wasn't even something he wanted at the time yet he didn't like me turning away when he finally decided to move closer. I said I felt like I was letting him off the hook but he said he didn't like it at all.
We talked for a long time and he said that he loved me very much - that is always nice to hear and that he was the luckiest guy in the world - also nice to hear.
I told him that when he is reluctant to come lay by me that I take it as personal rejection - that sometimes I've just had a bad day and that I want to be close to him and that it wasn't even about sex - it was just about being close to each other.
He said out of the blue that even though the Rx that he took this week, Cialis, kinda upset his stomach that he was going to take it again, that he had enjoyed our LM last week very much and it was kinda like jalapano peppers! I had to LOL at that! He loves jalapano peppers and eats them even though he KNOWS they are not good for his condition! He said that he just wanted to throw that information in. We were not discussing that at all! He said it had been very pleasureable to him. (Yea for me!)
That did give me some glimmer of hope. I think possibly in some ways he has got out the "habit" of ML and that last weekend reminded him of the passion we used to share.
I told him last night that I loved him very much and that I loved to feel his entire body next to mine whether we were making love or not.
Quote: Do not forget to ask him to do that for you. Dropping hints does not cut it. I used to wait for my H to notice or understand my needs -- and he would, from his POV. And I'd appreciate his efforts, but it wasn't what I really wanted.
I hope that I was clear. Dropping hints doesn't really work - I've tried that too! Often their POV and their reality is different than ours!
Thanks for the advice. I am going to try to be more specific with him. Hopefully it is starting to sink in!
As for the blues - there are still there but not so bad today.
