wbw, to answer the other part of your post regarding the boys, H does not see them but that has been their choice. The last time my oldest saw him and tried once again to let him know how he felt the response was "that's so f'ing stupid." As my son put it "he doesn't know how to talk to kids." I was shocked when I heard about the conversation. The boys have received the same spew as me. H doesn't know how to talk with the boys appropriately. He is full of rage and that has only gotten worse as time goes on. At this point, it is best that there is no contact. If H ever wants to sort himself out and be the Dad the boys want and need then I believe their relationship is salvageable.
Regarding creating space to "wake" your H up, that will not work. I understand the need for space. After BD, the boys and I needed space too so we could process what had happened. Truly, follow all of the great advice on these boards. Take this time to focus on you. Take very good care of yourself and work on changes so that you will be the best you for YOU. Forget about finding ways to show your H what he will be missing and what life after D will be like. He has to figure that out. It may or may not be what he ultimately wants, but you have no control over that.
