Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

Aaaaaand I slip up once again. Letting my small success of detaching make me think I am out of having my emotions being attached to W’s action. Thinking I have detached and can do it all. Feeling like I finally understood what it means to be DBing. All it took was one lie from W that had me feeling my sad, disappointed, and know that I still have not detached and have expectations. The good thing comparing before to now is I did not say anything about it or confront her about it. Not that I am afraid to confront but I know it will make me backslide to the type of person I want to be come and have been working towards. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings are still there, I just need to find a better way or releasing them and let them wash over me as I have read on the forms.

A few weeks ago W was crying and saying how she is feeling all alone again and that she feels abandoned since I have been doing 180 and GALing. Since one of her complains from before was feeling the same way for years, I did not want to do the same old thing and opened up a little bit more. When she kept saying that I have all the answers and how I am clear on what I want, I told her that I know my goal but some things I am still trying to work them out. I was trying to relate to her and it was the truth. What I think might have happened is that she saw me moving on but now feels I am not as sure as I seemed. I told her that my focus is on myself and the kids and that is what I am doing. So much easier said than done!

I have been reading so many of these posts of the self-discovery and see where my own issues come from. So hard to blame it on how I grew up or how W and I related to each other. How do I get to the root of the problem within that keeps me unhappy (with or without W). Or why do I associate my happiness with W. In all honesty, we haven’t been happy for so long. What I am keeping hope for? Am I delusional? Some days are just so hard and want to just give up and move on. I know the main problem within will still be there and will pop its head in so many ways in life. Grrrrrrr this [censored]! Today [censored]!