I have left messages for two attorneys. I am praying that I will be guided to the right person.
WH, your friend's sitch scares me. It's hard to believe that the court would enable one person to walk away financially sound and the other to be almost bankrupt.
I feel antsy, like I need to keep taking action, but at the same time I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and crying. I'm spinning.
To be honest, I wasn't really involved in my friend's D and I don't know the entire situation. I don't know what conversations happened between her and her attorney(s) so maybe there is more to the story, but it sure seems like her attorney(s) were in cahoots with her X's attorneys. She is in a really bad spot right now, but I kind of think she should have been a lot more pro-active than she was. But I don't know the whole story. Her X is a real creep. I never liked him and I would have stopped the wedding if I would have known what could have happened.
Do you see a counselor? Maybe you need something for anxiety? I did. And it helped immensely. In fact when I haven't taken my meds in a while I can feel myself spinning into that web of depression. Lord only knows why...LOL!
You are still in mourning for what you have lost. So am I. I get so angry and there is not much I can do about the situation. I don't know which is worse. Your H ignoring the kids or mine smothering the kids on HIS TIME ONLY and keeping them away from me as much as possible? My H is punishing me with the kids because he knows at this point that is the only thing I care about anymore.
Don't worry. Did you get references for attorneys? I spoke to four before I chose mine and he came with high regards from two fellow co-workers. And I trust him. I know God led me to him.
So try to calm down and hang in there. Talk talk talk and get it out. Don't stuff the emotions. Let them come out otherwise they will come out at the worst opportune moment.
(((GM)))
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
It seems it's not uncommon to go through several attorneys during a long D. One gets things started, but another may be necessary to finish it up.
When I consider how close we have been so many times to a settlement I'm starting to wonder why it just didn't get done. We have gotten to the point of small details and then it falls apart again.
The attorney I consulted today asked me which if either of the attorneys has been responsible for dragging this out. I told her I honestly didn't know. I haven't been part of the conversations. It does seem H's attorney is willing to put forth and retract different offers as H directs. That doesn't seem in the spirit of finalizing an agreement. But mine may have been just as much of a problem. She was difficult for me to deal with, but I don't know if she was holding things up.
This is a scary place to be in, but I know I just need to face the fear and continue taking action.
I just want security for me and the boys. I don't get why H would get in the way of that. I would think he would want the boys to have a secure life. If he truly wants to reconnect with them then stabilizing their lives has to come first. He's so fixated on his belief that I'm the reason they are rejecting him that he isn't considering other reasons, mainly his behavior. If he would have listened to their words and validated how they feel that would have gone a long way toward reconnecting.
Gosh, H could have come to me a year ago and said "The boys really want to stay in their home. Is that doable for you? What do you need to make that happen? If it's something I can do, I will. Let's work together to give them the very best we can." I know, that's a fantasy. Our entire marriage could have been different with a goodwill approach on important issues.
I just want security for me and the boys. I don't get why H would get in the way of that. I would think he would want the boys to have a secure life.
Because it gets in the way of HIM having the life HE wants!
STOP thinking that your H is going to be generous or kind or any of that. It's not the WAS M.O. He's probably not going to give you one cent beyond what a judge would order, and if he is offering more right now, I'd take it and be done.
You keep focusing on what you WANT, but that's irrelevant in the legal case. What's relevant is what's standard in your community and by your state's laws.
And much as you want to stay in the house, that may or may not be possible. Don't get stuck on that idea.
KML, what I want is important to me. I realize that I won't always get what I want, but I value myself and my needs and I don't let others tell me what I should be happy with. What a court may order is different. I may not like it but I will have to accept it.
I completely disagree with you. The court absolutely takes the parties wants and needs into consideration. They are not always granted, but they are considered.
And, nothing I want does interfere with H's life. He will still have the life he chose.
I think you are missing Ellie's point. WAS's often offer more than what a court would award to end things quickly. LBS's want more, and drag things out. I would say INVARIABLY, LBS's wind up with less with this maneuver. As time goes on, WAS's become more comfortable with their actions, less guilty, and feel less urgency. So, they offer less, and less, and less.
I truly know of no LBS on the other side of divorce who wouldn't have been best off taking a very early offer. If you want security for your kids, then look at the state mandated level of support and the current offer. If the current offer is higher, then it is in your and your kids best interest to take it.
The longer this goes on, the less you will get.
H wants as few ties with you as possible. Perhaps you might try for a lump sum + child support. This is not a bad option, alimony is no fun. You both get freedom earlier, and your future financial situation is not hostage to whether you decide to remarry.
In my case, we went to a mediator in the beginning. He said very, very true words: "In any fair settlement, both parties feel screwed." Amazing insight, too easily brushed off as rhetoric at the time. Take what you can get, or hold out and get less. Were you the exception to the rule, you'd be the first I've seen in 10+ years of posting here.
I appreciate the comments OT. It was actually my attorney who felt I was settling for far less than I could get. At the settlement conference I conceded on many things, to her frustration, because I focused on my kids and what they need. It doesn't matter since it all fell apart.
I am looking forward to a fresh start with a new attorney who can identify a good settlement offer. One that I talked to today felt very differently about some of the items my attorney thought I would be awarded.
Having no experience with D prior to this I was counting on solid guidance. I don't think I got it. That may be the reason that a settlement couldn't be finalized. I don't know since I only heard the summaries of the negotiations.
I just know that I can't keep going down a cheeseless tunnel. After talking with a few attorneys I hope to have a pretty good idea of what I can reasonably expect.
Hang in there GM. I am fighting just to get a state mandated fair amount of child support and maintenance. H doesn't even want to give me the state minimum. That's why I need my attorney. H just keeps trying to work the system to pay as little as possible. Is that what your H is doing?
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Child support hasn't been an issue, but the amount and duration of alimony is. Our biggest issue continues to be the house. He can easily buy another one. I cannot. We bought our house 16 years ago and there is considerable equity in it. I can't even buy a condo in our area for what the current mortgage is.
The house is a trigger for H. Walking away from it means that he worked all of those years to earn money for the mortgage and he won't have anything to show for it. I understand that. I truly do. But he chose to walk away.
On the flip side, I walked away from a solid career when our oldest was born. I can't get those earning years back. I'm at an income that I had 20 years ago. My home is my security and my only asset. I don't think H has the ability to see the issue from my perspective.
So, neither of us is wrong. We just have different needs and reasons for wanting what we want. And there's the other problem. H has such a need to be right. It was and is difficult for him to have a respectful discussion with me when there's a difference of opinion. He resorted to put downs, hang ups, leaving, etc. He can't agree to disagree. We needed our attorneys to suggest some solutions that were equitable, but that hasn't happened. They both have been too caught up in winning.
You're stuck seeing the house as a home, but in this negotiation, it is simply another financial asset.
If there is considerable equity in the home, it should be divided, minus any offsets for alimony.
Say, for instance, the house has $300k in equity, and your ex would normally have to pay you alimony of $20k a year for ten years. You could trade the alimony for his $150k half of the equity. (Not necessarily a wise trade, btw, if it's gonna leave you so cash poor that you can't pay your taxes and maintenance on the house later, but it's one option).
If, on the other hand, you are just saying H should give you the equity in the house because he's the one who left - most states would not see it that way these days.
What are you willing to give up to get that house equity? And is it really a wise choice?
