To paraphrase yourself, any explanation of your sexual unhappiness has to be done OFTEN and with great ENERGY.
There is no good way to talk about this. It is deeply painful and worse, deeply scary. I am that wife who blew her H off with "It's only sex" and "you're obsessed." I did NOT understand that to him, it was LOVE. I have you to thank, CeMar, for explaining this to me and saying it so "loud" and so forcefully and in such graphic detail that I finally got it.
So now you have a place to start changing yourself. There is no room for improvement unless you take step one, which is making your W painfully aware of the problem.
In the process of doing this, you will be forced to face your fears -- of ridicule by someone you love, of abandonment, etc. This is a necessary step, I believe. You will find out if your W truly loves you, enough to stick with you when you tell her that the marriage is in great jeopardy unless changes are made.
In the process you will become less her frightened lap dog and more of a man. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I see it. You will be gaining control over YOURSELF. I hope you choose to begin this change now.
