Don't fall over, I'm not here to bash you, believe it or not.
I'm here to share a story with you because for the last week, I have been so deep in a sh!t hole of self-pity and dispare, I was certain I had failed on all fronts, and nothing but doom and gloom awaited me. Much like you seem to feel.
I won't bother with the very long of it, because it doesn't matter. What it all boiled down to was, my H thought I wasn't trying (again), and I thought he wasn't trying (again). Our frequency had fallen off and he was getting pissy, and him getting pissy with me was making me want to withdraw and not work on it.
Now me being me, I understood exactly what it would take for me to turn the situation around, but I have been completely perplexed as to why I just didn't feel like doing that. Like I say to everyone, I said to myself, "do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?"
But something was still nagging at me. I finally figured it out, thank god, because I am so sick of wallowing in my own self-pity I can't stand myself.
My H is really, really good at asking for what he wants/needs. I really, really suck at it. When my H doesn't get what he wants, he starts throwing 'put-downs' at me, making snide comments and such that I can deflect for only so long before I get angry. And then when I get angry, we get into those lovely, polite stand-offs that drive everyone crazy and make the situation even worse.
So when I realized that we were getting derailed because I have 'failed to ask for what I want/need,' I immediately felt better. I had to think about what it was I DID want/need, and I had to figure out a way to tell him in a non-confrontational fashion.
So at lunch today, when H came home, I told him that I had figured it out and explained what I have above. I told him that when we hit the bumps in the road (like we have, and like we will again, I'm sure), I would like for him to encourage me to 'stick with it' rather than get in my face with criticism and put-downs. I gave him some examples of things I'd like to hear from him.
He looked at me and said, "Do you know how hard it is for me to do that?" LOL! And I said, "yes, as a matter of fact I do, I know exactly how hard it is to be or do something you are not naturally comfortable doing."
We continued to discuss it, and he came back at me with many 'yeah, buts,' or 'you do it, too' statements... but that did not deter me from making it clear to him not only what I want, but what I EXPECT. It was an extrememly productive conversation, and he didn't feel I had attacked him, and at the end, he understood and acknowledged what I had asked of him.
From that simple act alone, I will gladly climb another mountain for him, and do it PASSIONATELY.
CeMar, my point is, you may think you have asked for what you want, but it could very well be you are not being as clear as you think you are. As you all know, I do not hesitate pulling out my can of WHOMP ASS for anyone, and today, I did it on myself.
My advice to you is to break down you needs and ask for what you want in a series of steps. Otherwise, you are going to overwhelm your wife, and she is just going to shut down immediately.
I think you should tell her, so she really understands, how desperately unhappy you are in your marriage, and that you intend to find a therapist. And leave it at that, and go find a therapist. Don't BLAME her for your unhappiness because if you do, she will shut down again and not acknowledge it as a dual problem.
Once you are in therapy, I think you will learn some invaluable information on how to communicate CLEARLY and without BLAME with your spouse, and once she sees you in therapy and see you really are serious, she is going to see that there really is a problem, and it's not just you griping. She has GOT to acknowledge there is a problem before the two of you can GET anywhere, and you must take every step you possibly can to help her see the light. What you want/need to be happy is something to address AFTER she acknowledges there is in fact a PROBLEM.
Simply, CeMar, you need to ask for what you want, and the only way you can do that is to first figure out what you want/need. I know the END goal, but you have NO CLUE how to get there. So maybe you need to 'ask for help.'
