A plan of action...vet advice needed

[sandi2]

Swede, if you have digested yesterday's post, then you are probably wondering what to do now. Unfortunately, I can tell you more of what not to do, but I'll try to help if I can.

When a H finds himself in this stitch, he wants to be proactive in getting the M back on track. Most of what you will hear from the board will sound as if we are discouraging the LBS from doing that completely. But the truth is that you have to take a different plan from what your natural self tells you to do.

I suggest you start here with this plan of "action". First, do a lot of soul searching and evaluating yourself in the mirror. Take note of how you have changed since she M you. It will be tempting to argue how much she has changed also, but you must not look at her. After your self evaluation, list the ways you could change to improve. Granted, we can't be exactly like we once were in youth, beauty, etc., but we can do a lot to get that person back again. If that guy showed up tonight, would she recognize him? I bet she would.
I know that would be a tall order for many people who've been M for a while, so you may need to set some personal goals to help your improvement.

Perhaps this is not what you want to hear, and I'm sure it wasn't what you expected when you first came here. However, to be very blunt....she isn't in love with who you are now. She may fall back in love with the man you once were, or if you become even better....but that's the only hope you have in saving your M.

There is one factor you must bear in mind at all times about your WAW. She does not respect you. If she did, she wouldn't want to leave you. She cannot feel in love with you if she doesn't respect you as a man. We women are just wired that way!

The second factor to remember as you go through this journey....do not have ANY expectations! You will, and may not realize it, until somebody points it out. That happens when the LBS is getting too obsessed or out of balance in his quest to bust the D. I guess that sounds pretty crazy, but you'll see what I mean as you go along. Just try not to have expectations of her. B/c you can't control her (which you'll hear often on here), and b/c she won't respond to you like she once did. Therefore, if you say anything or do anything in order to receive certain expectations....you will more than likely be disappointed. I tell LBH's they set themselves up for disappointment by having any degree of expectations of the WAW. You are the only one that can handle it.

One thing that might help is to not look for the old wife to show up. Don't do or say things thinking you'll snap her out of her fog, b/c you won't. I know you're going to, everyone does, but eventually you see it doesn't work. The more you try, the more pain you will have b/c it's another form of expectations.

The "plan" is to be "cool". No pressure on her whatsoever. Which is very difficult to H's b/c almost everything from him is pressure to her. Therefore, you make the decision that you're going to be happy in life with or without her. Then you proceed. Yes, it's hard. But again, it's the only way.

Being cool is not being mad. It's not pouting or feeling sorry for yourself. That's why a lot of H's have problems understanding giving the W space. They confuse it with being angry, in a bad mood, etc. But you're the guy who is too cool to act that way. Remember how cool acting you had to be back in the days of dating (or wanting to date... a particular girl? Cool guys don't smother, persist, chase, beg, whine, and act pitiful. Remember what the other lady said about how she could find her H repulsive? You don't want to give your W reason to agree with that statement!

A cool guy is oozing with confidence! Gosh, that's attractive to a woman! Does your self confidence need some update? Maybe your appearance needs a little update as well, IDK, but it doesn't hurt to check.

Notice how a cool guy has a certain charm? Almost like he's having fun with everything he does and with everyone he's around. People like being around that type of person. He's fun and causes them to feel good being around him. He makes it seem so easy, doesn't he.....as if he didn't have a worry in the world. As hard as it may seem, you really need to practice being as much that way as possible during these dark days. Now, I'll warn you, she may think you are not taking her seriously, and try to reinforce what she's already said, but in the long run of things, it's still the better route to take than the alternative.

A few more tips in your daily family stuff is to keep things as "light" as possible when you are with the W and son. Avoid any bait that will trap you into a R talk or fight....with either one of them. Not knowing their personalities, if you can play and have a good time, then great, and if not then have it by yourself. Listen to happy or inspirational music,but none of those downers that will having you crying in your soup. When watching movies, don't watch stuff that's sad or about romance b/c that's just asking for awkwardness and probably more pain for you. When having the opportunity for family outings, make the most & enjoy them. Heck, maybe you can even create some good times. However, since there are no small children (which are often a good excuse for some events), it may be more difficult not to appear as pushing.

When with friends and relatives, if you start getting hung up on what others may know or what they may be thinking....you won't enjoy anything when around them. Which leads me to something else. Don't share this with any of them. Don't pull them in on the stitch.

I'm not a fan of FB b/c it has been a tool in hurting a lot of M's. I know it's the people that uses it, right? Still, I would encourage you to try to stay off your W's FB b/c it will be like a knife cutting you every time you check it out. People sound like they are back in junior high school when talking about their S's FB.

Don't start trying to do all the household chores, cook all the meals, etc., thinking it helps your cause. It doesn't. It will just make her mad b/c she'll see right through it. And please don't be one of these men who declare they are doing it "because they want to", or doing it for themselves. A lot of men tackle projects their W's have tried to get them to do for years (like painting the garage, or something), but just bear in mind that it doesn't get you any brownie points with her. That's another one of those "why now" she'll ask herself.

Many men suddenly find that they don't want to GAL b/c they just want to be around the WAW. They pass it off as just being homebodies or loving to be with the kids, when they didn't have any problems working and being gone before. Gee, I'm coming across as sounding terrible, but I'm really trying to get you to see something......(and btw, this is not an intended put-down to any particular man)..........that if I can see through it with a person I don't even know, then the woman that is M to you will certainly tell when you are trying to make points with her. In the past it could have worked, but not now.

Getting a social life has been reported as being one of the best of the best things a LBS can do to really make a difference. You won't believe it, so you better prove it, okay? Kind of funny the affect it seems to have on the WAS, too.

I'm not going to add anymore "don'ts" right now b/c it must sound terribly discouraging to you. Again, it's not all these things you "do" to win her back. It is about who you become. You work on being the best man you can possibly be....and makes you happy. Then once you're happy with that guy, she may decide she wants to be with him too. Who knows, you may even decide to let her.