I haven't posted for a long time, but a few things you said reflex what I have found out about my relationship with my husband.
Just to tell you a bit about my situation: I am the HD spouse and my H is LD. We have been married for almost 3 years, and been having mayor sexual problems for the past 2 years, where the frequency lately is once every 4 months or so. Before that, it was about once a week, which was not enough for me, which, is what started everything. Now, I look at those times as "the good old times"
Now that you know about me, I can tell you that when you said that even though you love your H dearly, you just don't feel secure and loved by him; that his way of treating you, being mean and just hateful breaks your heart and makes you even more LD, all of those statements are what I feel my H is going through.
I have been so bad, so mean and hateful toward him that I feel ashamed. The only excuse, if there is any, is that to me his continuous rejection hurted so very badly that all I wanted was for him to hurt too. I did not realized this desired to hurt him until just a very short time ago, since it was such an instinctive reaction on my part. All I can say is that in every occation I acted in such a despicable way, I was reacting to this almost physical hurt by lashing out at him(believe me, many times it felt like a physical blow that left me breathless), I, in my very unconcious and immature way, was defending myself, not understanding that I was making our situation worse and my dear H's life a living hell every time I felt hurt.
I have understood, in a concious way (finally!)what I was doing, and, even though I cannot say I am completely "cured" from my bad behavior, since every time I feel hurt , I have to recite my mantra " he loves me..he doesn't do it to hurt me" over and over in my head so I won't say anything mean, I can say I have redirected my energies toward being constructive and appreciative. Our relationship is so much better and I have so much more love for him now that I realized how much he put up with. I hope your H gains this sort of appreciation for you.
One piece of advice on the SSM book that I have taken to heart is the one that said that you have to put your hurt aside and be good to your spouse, and not think " I will be good to him/her when he/she starts treating me well". It is a vicious cycle, since the other person also feels the same way. . The good relationship starts from you, not the other person.
I hope this story helps you a bit. I know that the last thing you want to do is to be the "giver" one more time, but , and this is a BIG but, IF YOU WANT to work on your marriage and have not given up, take heart and be the bigger person, do what the other person needs you to do to feel loved and if your Husband loves you, which I am sure he does, he will come around, he will responde with kindness and give you what you need.
I am so bless that I have seen my bad ways and I can correct them, before they drove my once loving husband away, that I will not stop giving him what he needs to feel secure in our relationship. In the end , we both win.
