PM - your thread feels like déjà vu for me because I was having the exact same conversations late last week.
I had same fears holding me back from letting go and moving forward with my own life and honoring my W's wishes to D...
Fear of not loving her anymore...
No no, I'm not worried about loving her. I do no not want to become a man who is not "in love" with her. Very different. I'm protecting her from becoming "just another person" in my family.
Maybe I like her up on the pedestal.
Maybe she has made up so much of my identity that I don't know who I am without her.
Maybe it's both of those. Or neither. Maybe it's something else.
But I have felt like it was part of my job (yes, "obligation" ) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not:
Allow myself to generate feelings for any other woman (the obvious implication I just stated). That means removing myself from potential situations where this could occur, which I had to do one time very seriously. (In hindsight I realize that her having OM helped BD happen, and who knows how long I would have gone on in my sick state had she not dropped the bomb.) Would it be nice to have some hussy telling me I look good and pumping up my ego...telling me I deserve better, and that she loves me? Maybe, but I'm not allowing it.
Not act on what I thought was right. She says she has many regrets, many "I wish I hads" before she fell out of love with me. When it came time for a serious decision, I chose to always do what I thought was right, regardless of how I thought she would react. No regrets. 100%.
Allow her to break me.
Allow myself to fall out of love with her.
Those are some of the things I feel "obligated" to do as a husband, though I don't always do them out of obligation, but out of love.
My roadblock is the "in love" part. I'm figuring out how to survive without her, but stay "in love", so maybe it's becoming less of a block. Or maybe I'm fooling myself.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Fear of growing past her is a concern as well and I've read/ talked with many people living it.
It isn't the fear of growing past her, it's the fear of growing past her so far that I can't ever come back.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
) as her husband to protect that piece of me that is "in love" with her in case she comes back. I told her that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes she did. I didn't tell her what all that meant at the time (or since), but the implication was that I simply wasn't going to find someone else (or be looking). What I really meant, but didn't expound on is, I would not: