What about passion

[Lina]

You are continuing to do what so many other LDrs tend to do which is reduce the need for sex to the need to be appreciated, respected, acknowledged, etc....it is far FAR more complex and deep that the comparison you are trying to make. I realize that, on the surface, they may seem similar but they are really completely different.

*sighs* Sorry to go back, but this really did sort of clarify for me what someone else said earlier... I guess it was sort of a revelation of sorts...

I guess it would be fair to say that Meat, there, was doing what most HDers seem to do - assume that because they (we?) receive love best through sexual efforts, that the desire to be acknowledged, appreciated, and understood is so much less complex and deep a way to receive love.

I tend to be a mildly obsessive person. When I find something I want to do, I throw myself into it, heart and soul and time and energy, and can tune almost anything else out. When I reach a point of success in whatever it is I'm doing, it gives me a deep-seated, soul-pleasing, day-making sense of triumph. I've done something well and reached a point worthy of note in something I'm really, really into. Even in my little successes, I take joy. It's something that, while not as life-changing as it sometimes seems in that moment, is tied to a desire deep within me to do well at whatever I do.

I don't have a career I have to work on projects for, but I know that my mini-obsessions, those moments of "Yes! I did it!" tie in with my own personal sense of self-worth, or at least boost it.

And when I've done something, there are a lot of times I have to go find my H and tell him about it, to share those feelings because I'm just so excited I have to tell someone or burst and have them supported. He's always great and responsive and listens to what I say and shows interest, which reinforces my sense of accomplishment, lets me know he's willing to invest some interest in the things that are part of my days, and when he gets really excited and involved lets me feel like he's really interacting and taking part, at least emotionally, in something that touches on so many sides of my sense of self. (Usually those feelings lead me to sexual excitement and the desire to feel even closer, which is even more frustrating because he *did* already interact and take part...)

(HD perspective side of this thought:) If I tried to seduce him once and he wasn't interested, I'd be fine - as long as he followed up later. The problem is that he doesn't - that he doesn't get passionate about ML to me, and interacting with me sexually even though he knows that I do. The reason it's a problem isn't because he lacks interest once, but that he does so on a continuous basis, with little to no initiating himself.

(Other side...) And if I was telling him about my latest accomlishment in *insert activity here*, excited and happy, and he was tired or uninterested once, no problem. I'd deal. (Or I'd find a friend who'd share my enthusiasm.) But if he repeatedly and over a long-term period showed a lack of interest in the *other* things that I get passionate about, then yeah... I would feel unwanted, like he wasn't willing to invest his time and energy into me and what I want, that he didn't care about what was going on in my life, and eventually that he felt that the things I got passionate about were trivial and unworthy of attention. Since those things DO tie in with at least some of my sense of self-accomplishment and -esteem, that would disappoint me and hurt me on a very deep, personal level.

Part of my connection with my husband is that we both DO feel acknowledged, and loved, and special, and cared for, and interacted with, and appreciated by the other. (At least, I know I do, and put a lot of effort into making sure he does.) There wouldn't be a sexual connection between us if we didn't have all of that, and the whole HD/LD thing wouldn't be an issue at all, because there wouldn't be the initial connection to bring us together emotionally.

Now, usually with my little projects and hobbies, it *is* something that most would consider trivial and unimportant - just hit a very emotional, deep, or surprising point in a book I've read, finally beat the uber-boss in a video game that killed me several times in a row - and I recognize that. Nothing I have there is life-altering or has any effect whatsoever on our day-to-day lives.

HOWEVER, even those little things mean a lot to me. They're things that add to my day, and what they mean to ME is different from what they mean to anybody else. And even if it were an insect collection I was getting excited about, having him, over the long-term, trivialize that... dismiss something I was passionate about like it sometimes seems he would with our sex life... it could seriously affect the connection I feel with him. And if it were something tied in with work, with something that could affect both of us... *shakes her head*

So really, it's not fair to trivialize what someone else gets passionate about. If that's what they need to feel loved and appreciated, then... well, that's the same need. Deep and complex, whether he understands how excited and passionate I get about his body or not, and whether I understand how excited and passionate he gets about his little electronic gadgets or not. *shrugs*

I'm sorry for this being such a long ramble, and I'm sure for the most part I'm just repeating others, here, but... I don't know. For some reason this is sitting on the top of my mind like a golden egg, and I can't figure out exactly why. I feel like I've just gleaned something vital, but at the same time I thought I understood it before... *frowns* I dunno. Maybe it's more just a greater understanding of the chasm between two people with extremely different passions... *frowns again* I dunno, though.