Still Struggling and need help #4

[CharlieBrown]

W accepted my FB request a few minutes ago and when I went to the page, tat-boy is completely gone. She even tried to remove her post to him from the Pink concert in March, so she put some effort into this.

I know the risks of this being due to her feeling "caught" or "forced" by me to do this, but I am going to choose to look at this as a loving gesture by her. As Gottmann put it, a movement towards me. And, I will focus on that, not looking for the other shoe to drop...

CB

[reachingHigher]

Hi CB!

So...how did the MC session go?

[CharlieBrown]

Went really well. I have also been focused on some GAL stuff last couple days, so sorry for the delayed response.

We talked about her decision on FB, both friending me and deleting tat-boy, and I was really proud of her. She said "it shouldn't have been a hard decision and it became one." When we talked about tat-boy, I brought it up in a way that she wouldn't know I talked to MC about him before and MC followed that. I said I never suspected a PA, but that I was concerned W was becoming obsessed, it was interfering with our recovery, and that she was creating fertile ground for something worse to happen. He said he that is a valid concern, he sees it all the time and "it is like when you aren't hungry, walk into a kitchen and say, wow, this smells really good, maybe I AM hungry..." She talked about how well things were going for her now and that she isn't sure that she even wants to move anymore.

Then MC said "what about sex?" and drove down that road. To her credit, W talked about how different we were on this and didn't try to deny it. When we talked about my frustrations for years in our M (see my SSM posts from several years ago) she even said I had definitely compromised a lot more than she did and understood how that wasn't fair. MC did a great job leading this discussion and I felt like we were just getting going on him understanding us, we will likely come back to it next week. He gave us an exercise that even I think is dumb, so as much as I want to stick to the program, this one is going to be tough.

Yesterday I took S12, his best friend, and his best friend's dad to Mall of America. His friend is moving and yesterday was the day movers packed the house, and I promised S12 that I would take them to an amusement park before he moved. Due to weather, they rode the rides indoors at MOA and the two dad shopped. After we met for late lunch at Bubba Gump. Fun day and good spending time with S12. Brought home a large bag of swimsuits from Athleta for W to try on. She had been meaning to order from a certain women's store and didn't get to it, so this was a way to bring the store to her. She was very excited and had fun (as did I) trying them on for me. She even found one that works!

Last night after our weather cleared up she made a point of having me join her for a late walk with our dog. That is always a highlight for me and that time together has been important during this journey.

Just got to work after volunteering at D9's school for their year-end carnival. I haven't ever volunteerd there so this was important to me. Since BD I have realized that I not only needed to improve as a husband, but as a father. D9 lit up when her group came by my game station, I know it meant a lot to her.

Gotta get to work...

CB

[~ kd ~]

CB...

All I can say is, if you can get away with bringing home a bunch of swimsuits for your W to try on and she actually didn't tell you where to put them...

well, keep doing the great work!

[CharlieBrown]

KD,

LOL. I only did it because she has mentioned more than once this specific store (which there aren't very many of and she orders online from, but there is one at MOA) and that she needed to order a new one because of her weightloss, but hadn't gotten around to it. She told me one that she liked, knowing I might go there, and I bought a few and in different sizes. I think half of it for her was that I clearly had put a lot of thought into it, like I used to do for her a few years ago during the good times.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

1 step forward, 1 step back...

A few weeks ago, I had planned a nice date-night, including theatre tickets, for W and I. We cancelled because of D9 sports event and W agreed she would plan the "make-up" and surprise me. It was Saturday night and I had no idea, and didn't try to find out. Went in with minimal expectations, but W was really excited and we started at a great restaraunt on their patio next to the Mississippi, on a beautiful night. Cheese tray, bottle of wine, and just us = heaven!

Great hour and a half, except during it she brought up something that she wants to do in October that is tied to the tat-boy stuff and said "you know I am still going to do XYZ" and I said "do you understand why I might have an issue with that" and we got about 2 sentances further before she said "I want to change the subject" and I said ok. Despite that, it was a really nice 2 hours. Then she said we were leaving for our next surprise and we walked to another rest. 2 blocks away. Again, great stuff and by this time my expectations were up. When we got to the next place, her best friend and husband were there. This was a HUGE letdown for me and my bubble was burst. So now, instead of being focused on us, I am focused on: "Her one chance to set up a date night, and it can't be just us? That now marks out of the last 4 "date nights" the last 3 have ended up with another couple or two with us. Doesn't she understand this is what got us in this mess? Or, am I such bad company that she can't stand being with just me?"

Plus, I love her best friend and husband, very close friends of ours. But, when the she is together with her friend, everyone else around doesn't matter, they are non-stop and on their own wavelength. It can get pretty annoying, but it was especially to me on this night when I was so dissapointed. I wanted to turn to both of them, but especially my W and say, "are you dense, what were you possibly thinking?" and as much as I tried to enjoy dinner and be positive, I know I wasn't a "Husband any W would be foolish to leave." When we got home that night, W asked me if I had fun and I said "yes, especially when it was you and I at the first place" and left it at that. But, she is smart, she knew.

Ok day yesterday, cleaned the boat, walked the dog with W, D9 soccer, S12 Boy Scouts. But, this bugged me all day as much as I tried for it to not. First, that she planned this with another couple. Second, that I could not let it go and let it ruin the night and leave a bad taste, not just for me but no doubt for her.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Two other factors. I found out Saturday afternoon that while she deleted her FB friendship with tat-boy, she has been checking his public page 10-15 times/day. Oddly, she is also checking his W's page multiple times/day. After thinking this was over and she was past this obsession, that hurt.

Second, my sister, brother, and I have been struggling with some issues with our relationship with our dad since mom passed away 11 years ago. They had gotten better, but recently got worse, and I had a tough call with him a half hour before we left for our date. I know this set a bad mood, but truthfully, when it was just W and I, it wasn't on my mind, I was relaxed.

[TSquared2]

Hi CB,

It'll take a while for the obsession to fade, as in months maybe, she attached to tat-boy and his life, it brought her "something" that filled a void in her. It'll take time unwinding...maybe look up some info on what goes on when the "affair" ends...I would bet a very similar dynamic to what your W is going through right now.

For whatever reasons, they don't like being alone with us during this, maybe because we reflect something back to them about themselves that they don't like or is uncomfortable, or who knows...my W a couple weeks ago told me she doesn't like how SHE is around me, after a school awards ceremony for our youngest...Part of the journey, and only they can figure out the whats and whys and how to overcome it. It svcks, and hurts, but we just need to keep working on ourselves right now and let them figure out themselves.

So you have the boat looking good? I spent most of my life in the TC, so I know that feeling of "snow gone, water ice-free"...
T^2

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks T, I appreciate your thoughts. I know part of the risk I ran with bringing up the tat-boy attachment, and her essentially having an ultimatum, was that it could push her deeper and darker. I hope she is going through withdrawal and unwinding and not going deeper and darker, but I guess only time will tell. I can't control what she has in her head, but it was really crushing to find out after she said all the right things in MC.

The boat looks (or looked yesterday anyway) as good as it can. We didn't use it enough last year, with D9 playing travelling softball, and we decided to sell it this year. I needed to clean it up for our broker to be able to show it, but hopefully we can still get out on it a couple times before it is sold.

CB

[RosaLinda]

"Two other factors. I found out Saturday afternoon that while she deleted her FB friendship with tat-boy, she has been checking his public page 10-15 times/day. Oddly, she is also checking his W's page multiple times/day. After thinking this was over and she was past this obsession, that hurt."

Sorry that your fun date night deteiorated into double date night CB, and that your W's obsession with the tattooed chef seems to have returned in full force. Checking up on him 10 to 15 times a day does seem a bit excessive. 

And...checking on his wife too? She's pregnant, right? Strange. But I've learned the hard way that MLCer's actions are often incomprehensible. My own H seems to obsessed with a Russian Tramp he knows only wants to use him as a means to get a permanent US visa. He runs upstairs to see if she's on skype a dozen times a day, despite the fact that they have a standing date to speak from 2 until 4 or 5 pm every day. Hurtful

Do you know if your W and tat-boy had an EA, or if the feeling was all on her part? What did his FaceBook post that enabled you to bring the subject up say?