He gets to get in his car and drive away to his happy skank junkie perfect life and I am here to deal with everything and try to reason with my kids about an unreasonable situation. It hurts so bad and just keeps hurting more. I am so very tired.... Thanks for listening..
I feel so badly for you LimboWife, and cannot get your sitch off my mind. I know this is hard, but please think about what you said here for a minute. From what I've read, MLCers have their EAs and PAs because they want to escape the reality of their life at home. Your H left you and drove off into the sunset with a junkie with 2 babies because he could not face "real life" with you. But what could be real-er than living with a junkie and 2 babies still in diapers? Maybe he is living some fantasy right now about saving her, but I truly believe that even if he IS having a "happy skank junkie perfect life" right now, it won't last long. Hang in there! Linda M
Thanks so much Linda and SFC. I just had to sit and listen to him spew how important she is to him and how "she totally understands me and gets me and we have nothing but true feelings for each other"which is something I would never understand because I am such an awful person. and when I said some nasty things about her he loudly yelled at me and demanded I stop saying bad things about her. He said that if I wanted to talk about things like stuff he needs to do here that I have to stop being disrespectful to HER. I am his wife and the mom of his kids. And he still defended and is choosing a junkie whore over everything in his life but most importantly his family. I am barely hanging on and the hits just keep coming. I am not even sure what I am saying right now and I must be on moderation cause I don't know if what I am writing will show up. I am just so wiped out. I need some hardcore moments of clarity in my life. Thank you all so much. This place has become my lifeline.
I don't know if I said it or not or if it even matters but they have been together a year and a half. I had a hysterectomy last year and he was never there for me at all and now I know why. He was spending all his time with her. Also she is still living at home with her alcoholic husband who abuses her "all the time and doesn't deserve her" I know he has been telling her everything that goes on in our lives and with our kids. Our daughter is bi-polar and is suffering so much and I am so afraid for the state she is in now. He needs to see the damage he is causing to his kids. I am just rambling now and sound like him just going on and on. Going to go do something just to try and focus on something besides this misery. I am sorry guys to just keep going on and on.
I just had to sit and listen to him spew how important she is to him and how "she totally understands me and gets me and we have nothing but true feelings for each other"which is something I would never understand because I am such an awful person. and when I said some nasty things about her he loudly yelled at me and demanded I stop saying bad things about her. He said that if I wanted to talk about things like stuff he needs to do here that I have to stop being disrespectful to HER.
Oh yes, the old "she totally understands me and gets me and we have nothing but true feelings for each other" script. I had that one read to me too, despite the fact that before my H and his Russia Tramp OW "fell in love," he told me that she is a gold digging slut (his word) who is just looking for an American man to marry so she can get a green card. But now that she has focused her attention on marrying him, she is suddenly trustworthy and capable of truly loving him? Really? It hurts to see your H, your rock, the strong one whom you looked up to and adored, suddenly incapable of logical thought.
Sandi2's rules say NOT to talk about the OW. I guess pointing out the OW's finer points, like her drug addiction and two babies in diapers, challenges his choice of her, which is really incomprehensible and indefensible. So it's a personal attack on HIM.
Don't do it, let him stew. You need to be the sane one, the island of serenity he'll want to return to once she starts using drugs again. Drug addicts always do.
I am not even sure what I am saying right now and I must be on moderation cause I don't know if what I am writing will show up.
You'll find out you're off moderation when you post something and it magically appears on the thread in 2 seconds. It's a fabulous feeling!
I don't know if I said it or not or if it even matters but they have been together a year and a half. I had a hysterectomy last year and he was never there for me at all and now I know why. He was spending all his time with her.
Limbo, I just read on TakesVowsSeriously's thread that these affairs usually last 18 to 24 months. So maybe you H's will wind down soon. Especially if they've moved in together. Didn't you say he moved out 2 months ago?
Going to go do something just to try and focus on something besides this misery. I am sorry guys to just keep going on and on.
Good, that's what you need. Hey we are all in this together. Some days I am strong and can help others. Some days I'm a crying self-hating ball of misery and self pity, and need someone to help me. You'll get there, and you will get stronger and stronger.The initial discovery is the hardest. God bless you LW.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I am sorry to be such a baby but I cannot feel like this anymore. It just hurts worse and worse. He said last night he would " never give up his girlfriend for me." I told him how messed up it was to say your girlfriend to your wife. Why can't he see what he is doing to us.. He was everything to me and now I have nothing. The junkie has everything. I have never felt so alone my entire life and he gets to life his happy life with a whore while I have to deal with the aftermath here. I am so upset for my kids. We are all suffering so much. Please God hear my prayers. Will the monster he has become ever wake up and then will it be too late.
I know how hard this is right now LW, but you have to detach and let go. You have to take the focus off of your H, and especially the OW and place it on yourself. I have been where you are...I know the pain, the ego crushing betrayal, and the loss.
But focusing on H and OW will only drag your misery out longer. You need to decide if you are truly interested in attempting to salvage the M, and seek help for yourself socially, financially, and legally. You arent going to be able to count on your H for much support ATM. So you need to become your own rock...for yourself, and your children.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
LimboWife, I just read through your situation and feel bad for you. My W is in MLC, but there was no physical affair with another man, and we do not have the added burden of financial difficulties.
You need to practice Sandi's 37rules. Give your MLC husband space! and take all the pressure off of him from you. Let Life create consequences, NOT you. Otherwise, he'll blame you for the problems.
Originally Posted By: Limbowife
He said last night he would " never give up his girlfriend for me." I told him how messed up it was to say your girlfriend to your wife.
Avoid these conversations. I suggest creating a boundary that you will NOT discuss his GF with him and you don't want to hear about it from him.
Also to give you some hope, my W has been going with younger, single women to night clubs as if she was 20 again. Well recently she told me how she appreciated her life and found their life lacking. This was a postive step in our relationship. The MLC has to learn these things for themselves. Eventually your H will see what a loser his GF is. If you tell him, he is going to argue and take the opposite position. So say nothing.
Originally Posted By: Limbowife
I have never felt so alone my entire life and he gets to life his happy life with a whore while I have to deal with the aftermath here. I am so upset for my kids. We are all suffering so much.
I doubt he is that happy, he may act happy but inside he is in turmoil. My W always seemed happy but sometimes she revealed how terribly unhappy she really was.
I can suggest you do some other things:
1. Contact bank and get finances in order -- it's up to you now.
2. GAL, which for you might just be to get a job
3. Work on your appearance. Look the best that you can look, and always in front of your Husband. He'll see what he left. Dress nice, whiten your teeth, update your clothes, wear make-up and perfume.
4. Exercise -- it will help you feel better, build self-esteem that is in question after your spouse does this, and it will help your appearance.
BTW, I started changing my appearance in terms of clothes, haircut, and exercise and it took a while before my W acknowledge the changes. She noticed but said nothing for a couple of months. Then she started complementing my physique and clothes.
For a MLC getting old is part of the identity, and they see their spouse is old, which means they are old. By improving your appearance you'll look and act younger. And you'll have more confidence. It works.
I have some calls in to lawyers to see what all my options are and I am trying to see if there is any kind of free counseling I could go to. Like I have said before he has spent everything on the junkie whore. We have nothing. Do you want to know the really really messed up part??? I keep wondering if I have any hope at all as far as this monster ever waking up and realizing what he has done?? why am I like this???
Me again. This place is my life line right now and I keep thinking of things I want to say and it appears I am off moderation so here I go again. The JW is also only 36 and I am 46 so another kick in the gut. As for appearance I am on the MLC diet which is wanting to throw up all the time and no appetite or desire to eat at all so I am losing weight. Linda everything you say makes such sense. You are so sweet to me and it means so much. SFC I know I gotta let go and thank you for being so good to make me see it. My head knows that but my heart not so much. I will not bring up the JW again that I know. sailingAlone your tips are good and I need to work on them. Thanks so much everyone. By self esteem was kinda in the toilet before and this has made it worse. Sorry I am kinda whiny right now....
You ARE NOT a baby. You are going through something horrible.Do not let him and his warped sense of right/wrong get the better of you. Even though I don't know you, I know no one deserves this and that you are better than what he is doing to you.
In my situation, I look at my 2 beautiful children and realize that he is the one that is missing out on a wonderful life with them and myself. I know how difficult it is especially when someone you love is hurting you so much.
