Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

So, I know i shouldnt have made her feel guilty about wanting to work out before telling the boys. Bad move on my part.

I hope the apology helped and i know i was trying to control the situation again, but i will learn!!

[lovethehub]

But hear is the kicker, she keeps bringing up that down the road if she sees true change in me then we can possibly start dating again. this isn't the first time she mentioned this to me.

I am not sure if she is just saying these things so i will be more apt to truly let her go, but it is killing me right now.

I haven't been on this site very long either so I don't have any great advice for you except this - do not give up hope. Maybe your wife is just saying there may be a future but maybe she means it, so if it is worth it to you to repair your marriage it is worth it to you to choose to believe her.

Last night my W and i had to do something that no parents should ever be faced with doing, and that is breaking the hearts of their children.

We sat our S4 and S7 down together and told them we were getting a D.

Our S4 said ok but i get to live with daddy! It seems he is too young to understand, but as time goes on i think the reality of it will sink in.

S7 did not take it well and to watch your children with tears in their eyes try to understand why mom and dad cant fix this is the most difficult thing to have to go through.

I am so sorry you had to do this and that your boys had to experience it.

I know what my 180's are because my W and i actually sat down last week for the first time since BD and told me some of the things that led us to this point.

1. I was too controlling. She would tell me she was going out with friends and she would be home at a certain time. If she was late i would call her and chew her out for always being late.
I have already stopped doing that even before BD.

2. I am miserable at my current job and i would take it out on her when i got home from work. Very bad thing for me to do, but i continued even though i knew it was wrong.
I have sent numerous resumes in to different companies. I need to set more career goals for myself.

3. I expected her to be my only emotional support system. I rarely ever went out with my friends and seemed to always want to sit at home and pout when she wanted to go out with hers.
I have started reconnecting with some of my old friends again and have had a good time with them.

Yes, she has told you exactly what she needs you to work on so this is a great place to start. It will be harder to show her your 180's because you aren't living together. Maybe a vet will weigh in and let you know if you should move back home until the house is sold.

I feel like i should share an example of me backsliding a bit yesterday. My wife texted me yesterday morning while i was at work saying she wanted to wait to tell the boys about the D until Monday when i brought them back from camping. We agreed earlier in the week to tell them friday before i took them for the weekend. Here is how the texts went:

M: have you said anything to the boys about what's going on? I have gotten numerous phone calls the last two days from friends and i hope the boys dont find out until we both tell them.

W: I have not, and i would like to tell them on monday when you bring them home. i have errands to run after work tomorrow. i will have them packed so when you pick them up you can stop at the house and pick up their bags.

M: We need to tell them Friday if we can. I dont want to wait until Monday because then i have to be the one to leave them for the week.

W: We can tell them at 7:30 when i am done working out then. Or come by tonight and we can tell them.

M: I will come over tonight and we can tell them.. Its too bad that working out is more important for you than telling the boys.

W: Yep.

This sounds very controlling. You will not always agree. It will be a very important 180 to learn how to deal with this. Something better may go like this

I feel like i should share an example of me backsliding a bit yesterday. My wife texted me yesterday morning while i was at work saying she wanted to wait to tell the boys about the D until Monday when i brought them back from camping. We agreed earlier in the week to tell them friday before i took them for the weekend. Here is how the texts went:

M: have you said anything to the boys about what's going on? I have gotten numerous phone calls the last two days from friends and i hope the boys dont find out until we both tell them.

W: I have not, and i would like to tell them on monday when you bring them home. i have errands to run after work tomorrow. i will have them packed so when you pick them up you can stop at the house and pick up their bags.

YOU: I understand you are busy and you are trying to get them ready for the trip. My concern would be having to leave the house after we have told them. I would feel like I was abandoning them in a time of need. Can we work something else out to tell them at a time that works for both of us and before they hear about it from someone else?

I wish you the best of luck. I have KD giving me advice on my thread but I also have learned A LOT in a short period of time by reading the threads of other people going through this. By doing this, you will read the advice of the VETS over and over and you will learn quickly. They amaze me with their insights, knowledge and caring. DBing.com is my new Facebook, I spend a lot of time on here just reading, reading, reading and taking their advice and questions and using it in my life and my situation. HANG IN THERE

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks for the support lovethehub,

The weekend with the boys camping was great. S7 struggled with the D a little bit. He asked me as soon as we unloaded the car at the campground if me and mom were ever going to get back together. I replied "i don't know"

He said "that's what mom said too"

He apparently had asked her the same thing the night before.

I am 99 percent sure right now that my divorce is imminent.
W and I spent part of yesterday splitting up some of our accounts and i just dont foresee her changig her mind between now and july.

Trying to GAL, but this D is taking all of my thoughts hostage and it is all i can seem to think about. I am very drained right now.

[shouldistillhope]

Feeling a little down today. First day back at work after a holiday doesn't help things. I am feeling a bit of anger at my sitch knowing that i caused this mess and that is hard to deal with.

I have read on here that it can take months maybe even years for WAS to come around and have feelings again.

I wonder how many LBS fight for their marriage for that amount of time, or just move on with their life.

I am still hoping for a miracle but i feel i have a better chance of winning the lottery than avoiding a D.

[shouldistillhope]

How do some of you get past all the blame the WAW puts on you for everything that has gone wrong with your M? I know i have done a lot of things that have caused her pain, but it just seems like every time our R comes up, she justifys the D by saying she hasnt been happy from the beginning. Her mind changes every day about what i have done to cause this and i just cant get my mind to comprehend this.

[PatientMan]

How do some of you get past all the blame the WAW puts on you for everything that has gone wrong with your M? I know i have done a lot of things that have caused her pain, but it just seems like every time our R comes up, she justifys the D by saying she hasnt been happy from the beginning. Her mind changes every day about what i have done to cause this and i just cant get my mind to comprehend this.

Sounds crazy and irrational, doesn't it? Do you know who else sounds crazy and irrational? The schizophrenic homeless people on the streets of big cities who shout random things and talk to people who aren't there.

Do you let THEM bother you?

What if your wife told you the sky was green? Would it bother you knowing the sky is really blue?

Just ignore people you disagree with...especially the crazy and irrational ones. That stuff doesn't affect you anymore. Got it?

Go make yourself a sandwich...go walk the dog. Disengage.

-PM

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks PM,

Its nice to be able to get some of these things of my chest.

Last night S7 had a baseball game and that was the first time I had to go back and spend time with some of our mutual friends since the D went public.

It turned out to be a pretty good night. W and I spend a bit of time talking about the boys and I complimeted her on some of the remodeling she had done while i have been gone. At least she seems to agree that we need to get the house sold so we can be in the same town together again for my kids sake.

Dropped the boys of at our house and talked a bit more with W about non important things and i tried my best to keep a good attitude.

Ended the night with a quick but polite good bye and left. I will be going back to the house this weekend while W stays at her moms so i can get some remodeling done on my own.

It will be great to spend the weekend with my kids again.

Still hard to figure out if i made a bad decision by moving in with my sister, but i felt it was the only choice i had.

Divorce will be final July 12.

Not much hope right now i am afraid.

[shouldistillhope]

I do have a question for anyone who feels like offering an opinion.

I am working really hard at GAL, but what does everyone seem to think the best thing to do between now and when the divorce is final.

We obviously still have contact because of the kids and trying to finish our house to put it on the market, but are there things i should be doing other than GAL to maybe slow this process down or hope for a miracle?

[shouldistillhope]

Also one of the more interesting things that happened back in march during our last MC session was our counselor looked her in the eye and asked her if she truly wanted a divorce. She started crying and said "i dont know" but she is now full steam ahead.

I feel so very tired and confused right now. I have been able to go to work every day and try to function normally, but i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone.

I thank everyone here who helps all of us out from time to time just to listen and help get through the day.

[lovethehub]

Should I, I wish I had advice for you on what to do between now and July 12th for best results. I don't but I do know you have to do the opposite of what you have been doing.

Be sure to show her only a positive you, one that is changing for the better and is able to move on but also, leave the door open for change in the future. People get back together after D, so as the pros on here say, "It's only a piece of paper, don't put too much stock in it".

Your wife sounds a lot like I did several years ago. I was very confused about what I wanted. There were so many days I wanted to leave (but deep down I always felt I would regret it) and weeks on end where I was completely "out" of the M. One day I needed love and hugs from my H and the next I needed a date, then I didn't need anything, etc. For me, it came from years of being unhappy in the M and feeling that my H had been out of the M emotionally for several years prior to me getting to the point of not being able to take it anymore.

The only thing that helped me get back in was time.