I understand the desire to be acknowledged and appreciated for a job well done. It is a very important thing indeed, and your husband is making a huge mistake by not giving you the credit you deserve.
One thing is, that there is no biological or hormonal aspect to your comparison. You are continuing to do what so many other LDrs tend to do which is reduce the need for sex to the need to be appreciated, respected, acknowledged, etc....it is far FAR more complex and deep that the comparison you are trying to make. I realize that, on the surface, they may seem similar but they are really completely different.
I think it is pretty telling how you make the connection between your husband's sexual needs and your valid need to be appreciated for your "work or research project." Perhaps this is a "Freudian" slip but, it probably is not an accident that an LD person once again uses "work" or "project" in reference to sex. This would also lead me to believe that you are missing the boat in regards to your husbands "need" (although it is much deeper that just a "need") for sex.
One more thing, and I am certainly not defending your husband's behaviour, but it is very difficult for an HD person to really "get into" non-sexual aspects of the marriage when the mutual sexual aspect is missing. I struggle with this all the time. It is like you are surrounded by crackers and you see this nice, sweet piece of chocholate cake. After months and months of eating crackers that piece of cake is the only think you can think about. Even if you dress up the crackers in cheese, or peanutbutter, or fruit, or anything else, it is still crackers, and you are pretty G0dd@mn sick of crackers.
I am not saying it is right, I am just saying it is the way it is and your husband needs to be aware of what he is doing.
You did it again, Meat. You once again trivialized my feelings by saying, yet again, that your need for ML is much more complex, much deeper than anything I could be feeling that does not relate to sex.
We have different love languages, but one language is not more valid or more appropriate than the other. They are simply different. You may think you understand the depth of my feelings, or the complexity of my feelings, but clearly, you don't.
You are correct when you say that I truly do not understand the depth or the complexities of what ML really means to my H. Damn straight I don't, that's why I am here. And you know what? I'm not all that concerned anymore that I ever get to that understanding because I have found that my understanding of something doesn't make it any more or any less true. It means I don't get it. Just like I don't get atoms. I can't see them, smell them, taste them, touch them or hear them. I can't fathom somthing that small running the show. But just because I can't 'get' that doesn't make it any less true.
Now, if I accept that what my H is feeling is valid, deep, complex and important TO HIM, I don't have to understand it, I don't have to have a similar feeling. I just have to respect it. I have to honor it because HE and HIS feelings are important to ME. Passionately important.
So step off, Meat. You can compare this to the nth degree all you want, and YOU will be missing my point to begin with. It's about respecting and about honoring another for who and what they are, not making them understand and think like yourself because what you think and feel is more valid and you can prove that.
I'm not trying to trivialize anything. Your feelings are just as valid and important as your husbands. I never said they were not. I am just saying that the comparison that you are trying to make is not a very good one. You are trying to compare apples to zebras.
"Now, if I accept that what my H is feeling is valid, deep, complex and important TO HIM, I don't have to understand it, I don't have to have a similar feeling. I just have to respect it. I have to honor it because HE and HIS feelings are important to ME. Passionately important.
So step off, Meat. You can compare this to the nth degree all you want, and YOU will be missing my point to begin with. It's about respecting and about honoring another for who and what they are, not making them understand and think like yourself because what you think and feel is more valid and you can prove that."
I completely agree. And again, I am not saying anyone's feelings are anymore valid than anyone else's. I am just saying that you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
To you, Meat, to you. For you, this is not a very good comparison. For me, it is the only comparison I can make in conveying what is important to me as an LD, and the level to which it is important to me.
And yes, I DO feel that you and my H see me as a square peg in a round hole, and that is the whole friggin' problem to begin with.
Are we a bit defensive today? You seem to be taking this pretty personally. I am not trying to fit "you" into anything and I'll bet your hubby isn't either. I don't see "you" as anything, just someone trying to solve a problem.
I am merely trying to help you see beyond your flawed comparison. Your comparison being a poor one has nothing to do with me or you personally. It is just a poor comparison. You not understanding WHY it is a poor comparison has little bearing on the validity of the comparison itself.
The fact is, that you DON'T understand why this is a poor comparison. Maybe by looking into why you think this comparison is a good one, you might discover something you did not know about your views about sexuality. You might have another avenue to explore for helping you and your husband resolve your differences. No one is saying you have to understand it. It just might be worth looking into.
OOOHHHHHHHH! THWACK!!! Why did I not see that before?! How on earth could I have possibly missed that?
Thank you, Meat, thank you SO MUCH. It never, ever, ever occured to me to see something from someone else's point of view, to see my own flaws, and my own poor reasoning.
And now that I've had my little pity party of one, I can go now and become the better person I know I can be, just by changing MY flaws.
Meat, all Corri understands is how to fix the crackers. She fixes the chocolate because that is what *he* likes, but it is a tremendous effort for her, she simply hasn't the chemicals needed to make chocolate very often. Crackers, on the otherhand are easy. Her husband is always trying to feed her figs, but she likes crackers. So far, corri has learned to like figs a bit, and her husband, crackers.
Meat, I am like you, effing tired of eating crackers when there is all that chocolate, but the fact is, unless a new chemistry set comes along sometime in the near future, I will either have to learn to like crackers, or go play in someone elses kitchen. Do I compromise or divide, that has always been the question.
Corri, if you could only see chocolate through our eyes...
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
This has been a very interesting post ping ponging back and forth. I can relate to both sides here.
Corrie's projects are very near and dear to her heart - projects can often be like your child - it is something you developed, nutured, and when it comes to fruitian it is a like a climax. I am speaking as a HD person here that has had an extremely complex project going on before. When I "won" and that was literally how I felt about it I was ecstatic - my H less so.
All he could see is that I spent so much time, effort, and energy into something that did not directly involve him or our family. He did not feel the thrill of getting my computer manufacturing onto the state set aside program as something totally unique and I did it all!
In some ways it was like great sex. My project was near and dear to me and was tangible proof that I was going a bang up job! (no pun intended) Yes he was proud of me to a degree but he did not glory in it like I did. All he knew is that I had to make lots of trips to the state capital and was away from home.
Corrie's project is just as important to her as sex is to ya'll. Everyone is different - God made us that way - and while sometimes it causes friction in marriages - both parties need to recognize the wants and needs of the other.
Sounds to me like Corrie is working hard to please her H in what she knows is very important to him - would it hurt him to be thrilled about something so important to her?
I know how easy it is to focus on just the sexual aspects of your relationships. As I posted earlier I am fighting with my own problems right now in the matter of real passion vs. "I am doing what you asked isn't that enough?"
My point is that we have to take into account that every one of us is different and that when we see our spouse working to bring about changes we should celebrate those instead of acting like it is not good enough. that is the hard part - celebrating something that is not exactly what we wanted.
I wanted the Rx he took to "fix" all of our problems. To a certain degree it took care of some but not all. Don't think the Rx agreed with his system - don't know if he will be able to take it again - so I am right back where I started.
But I am very pleased that he took the steps to at least try. And I have tried to let him know how pleased I was.
Everyone's situation is different - Cemar, you have a tough one and I feel like Corrie said - your frustration comes from feeling like your wife is not interested in even TRYING to make changes.
Everone has their point of view and these postings have helped me take a better look at my own situation and hopefully make the right decisions and take the right actions that will help my marriage.
The main thing is to be sensitive to each others needs/wants and the contributions that each is making.
